How to respond to blame

[Anna H.]

My adult 39 yr old daughter who I must interact with as she is a single mom with a 17 month old. She blames and says rude things to me. I do not know how to respond. When I ask for respect she finds me wrong. We go in circles. She is always right and over powers me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi ,
Please take a look around the website. A link that may help
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132
Communicating with a BPD is a minefield; also everything doesn't work for everyone.   Validating is tricky and can come across as condescending , but it's worth a try.  It also takes lots of trial and error.  In my particular case, validation did work for me a little at the beginning, but once my adult son got more dysregulated, it didn't work. 

Also it helps to try not to take what she says personally. ( Very hard, I know).  If you can, can you give a specific example, maybe we can brainstorm it.
You are not alone.

[Goosey]

I just try not to respond.
Pointless anyway.
She ain’t listening.
Mind you I am in almost no contact but not divorced yet.
It’s futile to try to communicate at this point. I am in the vilified zone. Which actually is easier then the black white Flipflop in a millisecond  zone to a large extent.

[Sancho]

I agree with what Swimmy has said. Validation only worked for a while and then actually escalated the abuse. In my case if I get one little indication that she is touchy, I back right off. Of course this is difficult when you are involved with your grandchild. Minimum dialogue does seem to give my bpd DD time for the emotional tsunami to subside though, then I just make sure my mind is occupied with something else until she initiates some interaction. We live in the same house I should add.