Wish I didn't feel scared and guilty

[wantmorepeace]

I am trying to set perfectly reasonable limits with a BPD family member, but I get how they seem to her and that makes me feel guilty.  (Plus guilt was just a big part of my growing up socialization.)  And I get that physiological fear response when I anticipate her becoming angry at me -- the shakes, loose bowels, the whole bit.  I hate it.  I know I need to just understand that that feeling isn't reality, but it's hard.

[Panda39]

Hi wantmorepeace,

Welcome to the Group 

What you are experiencing is not uncommon among the members here.  Often when there is a BPD Family member particularly a parent, their children can be raised...conditioned... to feel and behave in certain ways. 

FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail is often a tool used by someone with BPD to get what they want.  I have definitely seen this with my step daughters who have an undiagnosed BPD mom (uBPDmom).   It can help to recognize the FOG to realize it's a tool of manipulation and about control. It's no about you, it's about them.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Please know that if you have grown up in a dysfunctional household that it has taken time to learn those behaviors.  It will also take sometime to learn new skills, to practice them, and finally feel comfortable with them. 

It sounds like you are trying to set boundaries (a good tool in your toolbox  ) but are getting FOG in return.  It's really hard to not follow the usual dynamics in the family, you end up with everyone trying to put you back in your usual role, doing the things they expect you to do so they all feel comfortable. 

I'm really glad you've found us this is a great place to learn, to talk/vent, get support, and learn about tools that can help.  Everyone here has someone with BPD/BPD Traits in their lives we all "get it".  I hope you will continue to visit us, read other people's posts (you will find many kindred spirits here), as well as check out the information the site has to offer.

Again Welcome 
Panda39

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you, Panda39.  My family member is my sister, and you are right that FOG was common in my house growing up.  Not sure whether my mom would be seen as BPD, but she and my collectively instilled fear and guilt.  Your response is very helpful. Thank you.

[009]

Wantmorepeace, I too experience the physiological effects with bpd sister. I have sat at my phone delaying my phone calls to her many many times, calming myself down, praying for her mood, her grace, for her not to interrogate me and find any inconsistencies in my conversation. I've had to call her back after work to go over important information I had and just sat in my car in my work parking lot rehearsing how I'd word it because I'd get so nervous. I let her paralyze me. I keep asking myself, What am I so afraid of? I'm realizing that setting boundaries and being distant is causing much turmoil, but its better than the alternative of causing physiological problems, depression and anxiety.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi wantmorepeace, 

FOG is a big deal, especially when you're feeling the physical effects from it. You're doing the best thing you can do for yourself by reaching out here and looking for ways to set reasonable limits.

There are some good tools here that you can use, whether your mom and sister have BPD or not. Some of the tools (SET, for example, are great for general situations--even ones completely unrelated to BPD).

How are you doing today? What are you doing to take care of yourself? These are stressful times in general, and even more so when you're feeling the effects of FOG.

-GG

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you all so much for your responses.  I have gradually gotten better.  The attacks stopped AND I have been talking myself through the FOG.  I am getting back into my routine and also telling myself that my skills will get better and my skin thicker over time.  It's not 100% great, but it's something.

[Brook]

I am trying to set perfectly reasonable limits with a BPD family member, but I get how they seem to her and that makes me feel guilty.  (Plus guilt was just a big part of my growing up socialization.)  And I get that physiological fear response when I anticipate her becoming angry at me -- the shakes, loose bowels, the whole bit.  I hate it.  I know I need to just understand that that feeling isn't reality, but it's hard.

Dear wantmorepeace, I’ve been reading a few of your posts and you are exactly describing what I’m going through with uBPD sister. We had a phone conversation today that had me shaking, upset stomach, crying. I can totally relate! I’ve had to block her texts and emails because the things she says to me are so mean. I’m so glad you’re in this group. You don’t know how much help it has been to me to read your posts and know I’m not alone. Hang in there and take care of you.

[wantmorepeace]

Thank you for your email, Brook!  I so feel for you.  It's awful. 

And I also benefit from hearing from you and knowing I am not alone. Thank you!

I will share some of the things that other people tell me and that I try to tell myself (can be so much harder to do that):

We are trying to both take care of ourselves and our sisters in an incredibly difficult context.
The things she says do not reflect who you are.  They reflect her illness. 
This will pass. 
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. 
Take care of yourself!

[Brook]

I will! And you take care too!