BPD mother thinks there is something wrong with my child

[Kitten11]

My mother has BPD. I am the oldest child and have a teenage son. My son is on the spectrum and can be hard to connect with at times, but he is a loving and good boy. My mother keeps bringing up that she is scared of my son because of thelooks he gives her sometimes. She thinks he needs a psychiatrist and that he possibly has schizophrenia. My mother was adopted at a month old and her birth mother has schizophrenia. I don’t know how to handle her when she gets this way. Nothing I say is good enough. She thinks that someone in our family has to be schizophrenic because it can skip a generation.

[Methuen]

Oh my goodness Kitten11.  I am sorry that your mother keeps nagging about this.  This is so UNhelpful, right?

My mother keeps bringing up that she is scared of my son because of the looks he gives her sometimes. She thinks he needs a psychiatrist and that he possibly has schizophrenia. My mother was adopted at a month old and her birth mother has schizophrenia.

 I read this over quite a few times.  Every time I read it, I hear total BPD fear in what she's saying.  If I break down what she's saying, it's also irrational, another BPD trait.  First point, "she's scared because of the looks he gives her".  This doesn't even make sense.  It isn't really normal for a mentally healthy adult to be scared of a teen grandson because of "the looks".  BPD's are deeply insecure, feel unloveable, and have a deep sense of shame.  That's what's speaking to me when I read the "scared because of the looks" comment.  Second point, you describe your son as loving and good.  Yet, your mom is saying "she thinks he needs a psychiatrist and may have schizophrenia".  Is she a doctor?  If she isn't, that kind of language just doesn't seem like language a healthy person much less a grandma would use.  But it makes a lot of sense to me that she could say such a thing since it's coming from a pwBPD whose biological mother was also a diagnosed schizophrenic.  There is some dark psychological stuff going on with her.  Wow.

What bothers me the most, is the potential for your son to pick up on some of this negativity about him, coming from his grandma.  I hope she doesn't say it around him, or talk or behave in a way that makes him think that she might feel he is "less than".  Not helpful, potentially quite hurtful.

Quite frankly, if someone who was NOT a doctor was saying stuff like that about me when I was a teen, well I would be giving them "looks" too.  

Moving forward, I would suggest setting a strong boundary with your mom.  The next time she makes a comment about "psychiatrist" or "schizophrenia" and your son, I would be absolutely FIRM in reminding her that "he is healthy and his doctors have his medical care well under control.  Such uninformed thoughts coming from her are not helpful to him or to you, and could actually cause harm to him. Then tell her she needs to not speak those thoughts again, or you will either leave, or ask her to leave" (depending on where you are).  Then immediately change the topic to something completely new, or find a reason to leave ("I have to go pick up some milk and eggs").  She will not like this.  Give her plenty of time to process the message and self-soothe.  It could take hours, days or weeks.  She will get over it.  Otherwise, the comments will probably keep coming, and your son will pick up on it.  He doesn't need that.  She needs to stop this.  The boundary message needs to be firm.  Keep the message short and simple.  That is all she will process.  Don't explain, as that is just giving her ammunition to fire back at you, and things will escalate.

I don’t know how to handle her when she gets this way. Nothing I say is good enough. She thinks that someone in our family has to be schizophrenic because it can skip a generation.

This is all BPD FEAR FEAR FEAR.  BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation, and in her case, the emotion is fear.

Kitten are you already familiar with BPD?  I found it really helped me to learn about the disease, because it helped me understand my mom's words and behavior better.  The more I understood BPD, the more motivated I became to learn some new tools to help ME manage how I reacted to her.  Learning these tools has changed my life.  For example, don't JADE because this makes her behave worse.  DO use SET, because this makes her feel validated.  Boundaries also help a lot. You can't fix her.  She's not going to change.  The only thing you can control is how you react to her provocative words and behavior.  Believe it or not, that is a LOT of control.  Also take care of both yourself, and your son. If your mother is BPD, your own self-care is paramount.

Are you familiar with the resources under "how to get the most out of this site"?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0

Let us know how it's going, and how we can help.

[Turkish]

Hi Kitten11,

What's the living and contact situation? Does she have to often interact with both of you?

My now 10 year old son was diagnosed with ASD1 almost 4 years ago. My mother lived with is briefly 3 years ago. My son had a meltdown over I refusing to take us for ice cream. He cried, screamed and kicked my car seat. I got us home and sent him to his room. 20 minutes later, he was right as rain. I learned early on that it was better to let him be alone to calm down rather than trying to "fix" it.

My mother was harried. She walked off into a light rain and returned 30 minutes later, soaked.

After the kids were asleep, we were on the back porch. Apropos of nothing, she offered that the problem with kids these days was that parents weren't hard enough on them. That was her passive-aggressive way of judging my parenting.

I let it blow by and let her think what she thought. All I could think was that thank God I wasn't ASD, because I was smacked and spanked enough (as well as cussed at and twice told that sonetimes she wished that she'd never adopted me), often over innocuous things due to her mood swings.

You're your son's mother, not her. If you need help, I'm sure you know where to get it. 

[Kitten11]

I do not live with her. We visit quite often though. More so since the lockdown since my kids can do school online. She does not bring this up in front of my son, just when her and I are alone. My son is on the spectrum and does have anti social tendencies. Although I don’t know if it’s because he is 14 and a teenager or because it’s something deeper. I have read about the different tools on the site and think they will be helpful. I would like to understand though my mom’s reasoning behind her thinking. Why would she say these things about my son? Does she truly believe it, or is it projecting?

[Turkish]

It could be valid grandmotherly concern, or it could be a generational "kids these days! Get off my lawn!" And it could be her distorted perceptions from BPD... Or all. 

What is your view of their relationship?

[Naughty Nibbler]

KITTEN11:
The article at the link below is an interesting read. 

There are many overlapping features of Autism/Asperger's syndrome and schizophrenia. There are also differences in terms of age of onset, progression and treatment. Misdiagnosis causes major frustration for patient and psychiatrist.

Schizophrenia and Autism/Asperger’s Syndrome Overlap And Difference
https://www.theneurotypical.com/schizophrenia-and-asd.html