Piggy-backing on "Boundary Setting Timing"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't want to hijack Steel Geraniums' thread about "Boundary Setting Timing", so I'm starting a new one, but we both seem to be in similar boats...

My 50s sister has BPD (my niece tells me she was diagnosed, but I've never talked about it with my sister). She definitely fits the description: regular rages, problems with self-identity, projecting, etc..

Her latest rage (via email) was a lashing out at me, calling me a horrible daughter and mother. Now it's passed, and she's trying to be the authoritative "big sister" again and tell me what my emotions are and why I'm reacting to things in a particular way, yadda yadda yadda...

I'm sick of this. And now that she's dragged my daughter into it, I want to say something to her. But I think I may be struggling with what I've read JNChell describe in other posts: the difficulty of swallowing your pride to validate the pwBPD's feelings.

Here's my email that I've drafted so far. What do you guys think?

I've come to realize a pattern in our relationship that's been happening for as long as I can remember. There seems to be a regular flare up of anger. Sometimes I have triggered it, and other times I don't know what is happening. Either way, it doesn't happen in my other relationships with people. And since this last time my daughter was included, I need to say something.

Each time this happens, I get some scar tissue and become more wary of getting close again. I'm exhausted.

A couple years ago you seemed to be in a really good place, happier than I'd ever seen you, and I was happy for you. I know we can’t just flip on happiness like a switch, but you seemed to be managing things really well. I hope you can get back to that place.    

[Ouch9999]

I don't want to hijack Steel Geraniums' thread about "Boundary Setting Timing", so I'm starting a new one, but we both seem to be in similar boats...

My 50s sister has BPD (my niece tells me she was diagnosed, but I've never talked about it with my sister). She definitely fits the description: regular rages, problems with self-identity, projecting, etc..

Her latest rage (via email) was a lashing out at me, calling me a horrible daughter and mother. Now it's passed, and she's trying to be the authoritative "big sister" again and tell me what my emotions are and why I'm reacting to things in a particular way, yadda yadda yadda...

I'm sick of this. And now that she's dragged my daughter into it, I want to say something to her. But I think I may be struggling with what I've read JNChell describe in other posts: the difficulty of swallowing your pride to validate the pwBPD's feelings.

Here's my email that I've drafted so far. What do you guys think?

I've come to realize a pattern in our relationship that's been happening for as long as I can remember. There seems to be a regular flare up of anger. Sometimes I have triggered it, and other times I don't know what is happening. Either way, it doesn't happen in my other relationships with people. And since this last time my daughter was included, I need to say something.

Each time this happens, I get some scar tissue and become more wary of getting close again. I'm exhausted.

A couple years ago you seemed to be in a really good place, happier than I'd ever seen you, and I was happy for you. I know we can’t just flip on happiness like a switch, but you seemed to be managing things really well. I hope you can get back to that place.    

[JNChell]

Have you already sent the email? If not, hold off for a little bit. Let’s dig in to the dynamics of this situation.

And now that she's dragged my daughter into it, I want to say something to her.

This is triangulation. Here’s a link that will lay that out for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

I understand that you’re angry and feel violated by her trying to pull your daughter into the mix. Is there any chance of delaying the email? It won’t help the situation to send a message that is fueled by emotions. I’m not preaching at you. I’m saying this because I’ve made that mistake and the consequences haven’t been good. I’d like to encourage you to hold off on sending anything for now. This is a peer based community of individuals that are experienced or are currently experiencing situations very similar to your own. What do you say, can you hold off on the email?

How is your daughter reacting to the situation? Are things still good between the two of you?

[Ouch9999]

Hi JNChell,

Thanks for your message!

That is a fascinating article- a lot of food for thought. I have not sent the email, and after reading that article, I will not! I see how it definitely reads from the "victim" perspective, when really I'm just so sick and tired of my sister's  that I wanted to put her on notice that I recognize her behavior and I'm not going to tolerate it next time. I know now that's not a productive approach.

My daughter is only 16 months old, so she is not aware of any of this. A few months ago, my sister said that she didn't want to see my daughter any more because they see each other so little that the baby doesn't even recognize her. (Not true, but I understand that was her perspective.) I calmly responded with a DEAR/SET reply and it worked pretty well. She kind of went away and somehow (not sure how) reconciled her own issue...I don't know what has happened in the months since it first started, but now she's ready to go back to being buddy-buddy. But I'm not. I am upset that she used my daughter as a pawn in her attack.

So that made me want to nip this in the bud so that my daughter doesn't have to deal with this as she grows up. That's probably not a realistic goal, I guess.   

Even with just my sister and I, I can see the triangulation (I think). She seems to start out as victim, then lashes out as persecutor, and I think I'm supposed to come in and rescue (in this case, by relenting and letting her see the baby more than she already does). But maybe I also played victim by thinking I'm blameless? (In other episodes, there is certainly a triangle with our mother and us...but that's for another time!)

I'm glad the article provided a healthy, proactive alternative triangle. And I think now I can swallow my pride and give that a try. The problem is, when I think about what I want, it's 'to not be close to my sister any more.' And she wants us to be close, like we used to be. I don't feel the need to terminate the relationship entirely, but I don't want to be buddy-buddy. And of course, that's a painful thing for anyone to hear from someone they love, whether BPD is involved or not. So to "assert" that...I don't know. I guess I need to give it more thought. In the meanwhile, I don't know how to respond to her when she wants to be close and I want distance...

For now, I guess I'll just sit tight (no big emails) and respond to things one-by-one as they come up...maybe that's the best way to shift our relationship.
 

[SteelGeraniums]

The problem is, when I think about what I want, it's 'to not be close to my sister any more.'

I don't know if you've already had this book recommended, but I really recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad. It helped me a lot in realizing that there was nothing selfish or wrong with not wanting the same level of closeness that my pwBPD wants. I realized that I needed to overcome the anxiety I felt in telling her "no" to hanging out all the time. Her reaction is her own responsibility and not mine, no matter how extreme it is. I also realized that I had to stop being afraid of her flying out of control and breaking down if I set boundaries, because even when I was trying to do everything to keep her happy, she still broke down. You deserve to have your needs and wants respected!

[Ouch9999]

Thank you! I will check out that book! It's also referenced in the triangulation article that JNChell notes above, so it sounds like a good one.

[Methuen]

I agree with others here that I would not send the email. Replying feels like perhaps she has successfully snagged you on the line, because you've taken the bait.  BPD's need conflict because it's their "normal".  I had a T once tell me that if things go along smoothly for a BPD, they get uncomfortable, dysregulate, and create a conflict, which makes them feel comfortable again (because it's their normal).  So I wouldn't take the bait.

Her latest rage (via email) was a lashing out at me, calling me a horrible daughter and mother. Now it's passed, and she's trying to be the authoritative "big sister" again and tell me what my emotions are and why I'm reacting to things in a particular way

Personally, I think emails with this kind of content are best ignored (negative reinforcement).  Responding to them only gives oxygen to her need for drama, and would probably result in another disturbing email reply for you...thus escalation.  Ignoring it (or putting it in the trash) on the other hand, gives her nothing to respond to.  Not responding also sends a silent message that her email wasn't ok.  Silence can be a powerful message.  On the other hand, if she ever sends you an email about anything that isn't negative, those are the ones you want to respond to (give positive reinforcement).

I wanted to put her on notice that I recognize her behavior and I'm not going to tolerate it next time. I know now that's not a productive approach.

W-e-l-l, I'm going to challenge a part of this a wee bit.  I think you are right about "putting someone on notice" as having a tone that is not productive.  On the other hand, I think setting healthy boundaries is a productive approach, because the boundary is to keep you feeling safe.  For example, sending you an email which "lashes" out and tells you that you are a horrible daughter and mother, is NOT an ok thing to do.  It's toxic, and destructive rather than constructive.  It's written in anger (or rage), and meant as an attack that is meant to hurt you right?  Those kinds of attacks can be emotionally harmful - they don't leave us feeling safe or supported, but instead they leave us feeling confused and hurt and bad.  So I think it is OK to set a boundary here,  maybe in the form of an "I Statement".  For example, Sis, I feel disappointed when you get really angry and say hurtful things, such as telling me I am a horrible daughter and mother.  This is not a helpful thing to say, and only hurts and damages our relationship.  Please use supportive language, and not hurtful language.  It tells her how you feel (disappointed/hurt/sad...).  It states the problem (her words are damaging the relationship), and it also provides a solution (please use supportive language).  It may take her by surprise the first time.  Of course using an "I statement" won't immediately "fix" the problem, because she may not wish to change, and probably can't.  But it helps you because it is honest, calm, non-confrontational, gives you an opportunity to set a boundary in a healthy way, and gives her a choice of whether to respect or not respect that boundary.  If she chooses to not respect it, then you can choose not to participate in her toxic conversations (N/C).  For me, it's one way of taking the "high road", and not getting drawn into conflict. On the other hand, if she replies to your "I statement" with more toxic and hurtful language, then I would calmly say something like "It's not possible to have a healthy conversation at this time, so I have to go now", and then leave, calmly.  

Look after yourself and your daughter first.  Spend as much time as possible with people who make you feel good, and try to limit your time with people who do the opposite.  The good thing about an "I statement" is it calmly communicates your expectations, and if she won't try to meet them, then you can hold your boundary of spending less time with her to keep yourself feeling safe.  Just don't tell her that.  Like someone else on this board likes to say, "give her a small target".

[Ouch9999]

Thank you, Methuen. That is really helpful advice. And I've decided not to send the email. I had already responded to her original one awhile back, with a textbook DEAR/SET response and it worked well. I think now I was just trying to take it a step further to prevent her next nasty email, but I know that would not be successful!

I definitely see that her pattern is to stir up conflict when there's peace. Actually now that I think about it, her pattern is also to stir up conflict when there's already conflict. In this case, she was having conflict in every other aspect of her life except me, so she had to come poking the one place that was peaceful. 

"Silence can be a powerful message." That's so true. As hard as it can be to ignore these emails, I know that it is a good strategy that I think would work well with her. It's not confrontational, but she is sensitive enough to get the negative reinforcement of the silence.

As a way of establishing boundaries, I like the idea of responding with the "I" statements as you suggested. I'm going to keep that one in my toolkit for the next time she sends a hurtful message. I like it because it validates my feelings, but also points us towards a productive solution (regardless of whether we get there or not).

Very productive advice. Thank you again!