Getting children into counseling advice please

[CoherentMoose]

Request some advice.  Some background.
1.  My GF left her high conflict husband with her two children, boy age 10, and girl age 7 after a 20 year relationship, 14 of them married.
3.  The xBPDH met someone 45 days later (who has a teen daughter) and married this new person 9 months later, one month after the divorce was finalized.  The xBPDH and new wife  welcomed a child (boy) four months after their wedding. 
4.  Custody is shared 50/50 with a 5522 plan.  Both parents have to agree on physical and mental health decisions.

The issue is the xBPDH refuses to let the children go to counseling.  My GFs daughter is a bed wetter, and sometimes has "accidents" during the day.  She's getting better during the day so the trend is positive.  She's also had several UTIs the past 12 months.  Four times now my GF has asked to get her into counseling to see if there is anything a mental health expert can do to help her with continence during the day.  The xBPDH even refused when the urologist recommended counseling after her third for fourth UTI in as many months.

In addition, the xBPDH is now actively trying to control what we do with the children on our time by stating they could bring Covid back to his place and infect and kill their baby step-brother.  We follow CDC guidelines, and my GF is a germaphobe.  He has told the children they should not be playing with friends.  The children LOVE playing with friends and they do pretty good with masks and maintaining their distance.  The children are not allowed to play with friends at his house, and they do not do take-out.  He has told the seven year old daughter he may have to take the children because we are "not careful enough".  Obviously, he cannot do that, but the daughter doesn't know that. 

The son now is terrified of going to any place public.  Terrified to the point he hyperventilates.  He exhibits some significant personality traits that need to be evaluated, but the xBPDH states he will not allow his son to be "labeled".  The son is now petrified of going back to school.  You can see the fear on his face when asked if he's ready to go back.  Says he will get sick.  In addition, the son is now saying he hates his grandmother and me because we're bad influences on their mom.  The xBPDH has told the children their grandmother is evil because she hates him and broke up their family. 

My GF is now ready to use the legal system to get her children into counseling.  The challenge is the lengthy legal process under the Covid rules.  It's our opinion the alienation will go scorched earth once he receives notice he's being sued to allow counseling.  According to my GF, he hates counseling with a passion.  Not a shock, I know.  I'm very worried the son will not be able to handle the additional emotional pressure.

We have retained a lawyer and will use him to prepare all the paperwork and we're in the process of finding counselors.  We have one and looking for two more. 

Right now we're 50-50 on pulling the trigger and allowing the lawyer to proceed with the suit once he's ready. 

Here are my questions:
Is there any benefit to waiting and watching for the next several months with the hope the Covid crazy recedes?  Both with the xBPDH and the world in general?

What type of counselor should we be looking for?  Play therapy for the seven year old?  What are good questions to ask potential counselors?

Due to the unique personality traits of the son (high function autism is our best guess matching some behaviors), any advice on training or specialties we should be looking for?

Last, the son exhibits some oppositional defiant disorder traits.  Any tips on how to deal with that?  We try to ignore all poor behavior and reward him when he complies, but we sure could use some help in this area.

Thank you for your time, help, and advice.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

As I was reading your post I was preparing to describe that when you face an impasse then turning to court for resolution is the way to go, especially with documentation that a professional recommending counseling.  I've always written what my lawyer told me, courts love counseling.  Then as I kept reading I see you've already started contemplating that.

If you're in the USA you might want to consider waiting a couple weeks for the outcome of the elections.  The contender is using COVID-19 fears against the current president.  If the president gets a second term he might be able to reduce the COVID-19 scares.  (That virus rarely, almost never, causes serious symptoms in younger people.  I think the technical reason is that the virus attacks ACE2 receptors and pre-adolescents don't have many, and healthy persons are seldom impacted severely.)

But I wouldn't hold your breath.  I'd say to go ahead.  If not this impasse, then it would be another eventually.  And your GF already has documentation to support her request.  Don't lose that paperwork!

But don't limit GF's petition to only counseling.  That documentation is your GF's foot in the door to ask for joint custody to be adjusted to Decision Making or Tie Breaker status — if your state allows those or similar concepts.  DM or TB doesn't stop joint custody but it lets your GF seek agreement and when that fails then she can proceed and it's up to the Ex to file if he wants to pursue the matter.

Sounds like you're also smart to seek out experienced counselors in advance, a short list of vetted counselors to have Ex to select from.  Courts see that as your GF having the right perspective (problem solving approach) with both parents having a share in selecting a counselor.

[CoherentMoose]

Thank you FD.  By the time we have counselors identified the election will be (thankfully!) over.  Well, the actual day anyway.  Our new lawyer seems to be very pro-active and he pushes hard so I think he'll be ready to press by mid to late November.  Holding off until the first of the year to file is our likely plan.  I too agree the risk to the young is very, very minimal based on the CDC data.  Be well.  CoMo

[worriedStepmom]

You might want to look at both counselors and psychiatrists, to cover both the diagnosing and the talk therapy that they will need.

Play therapy does work well for the under-10 crowd; my kids did fine with a "regular" counselor when they hit about the 10-year-old mark.

Does your GF also want to try to reduce the time the kids spend with their dad, or just get tiebreaker for mental health status?

[CoherentMoose]

Hello WSM.  Right now, my GF just wants to get them into counseling.  That is our number one priority.  Our lawyer states asking for tie-breaker status on mental health is an easy add to the petition if we want to do that as well.  They are separate.   He says there will likely be no issues having the court agree to put them into counseling, however, in order to go for tie-breaker, the courts here mandate family counseling prior to making a formal decision on the tie-breaker request.  My GF states her ex HATES counselors and counseling in general, and her opinion is her ex will not agree to attend court mandated family counseling. 

Our biggest fear is the scorched earth alienation that will happen with the children by him between when we petition the court, he is notified of the petition, and when the court will hear our case.  I'm very worried about the 10 year old. 

Right now, we do not want to modify anything else on the custody agreement, just the tie-breaker on mental health.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

Of course the Ex hates counseling, who wants to have a disorder revealed?  If ex refuses, wouldn't that be a red flag for the court to act upon?  Remember, your GF is going to court as a problem solver, courts should like that.  If Ex chooses not to participate then so be it, his loss.

As I indicated before, there will be triggers in the years to come.  Can your GF accept that eventually they will end up getting things like this addressed in court, whether this issue or a future issue?

What would be ex's triggers if his time were reduced, such as to alternate weekends?  Is he preoccupied with fears he might be ordered to pay more child support?  Odds are the difference before and after are rather small.  Or is he concerned about his public image looking good?

While you don't want to change anything else, it is still good to keep these other options in your back pocket just in case.

[mart555]

Our biggest fear is the scorched earth alienation that will happen with the children by him between when we petition the court, he is notified of the petition, and when the court will hear our case.  I'm very worried about the 10 year old. 

A lot of damage is already done and you guys are now trying to fix it so that's what counts.  It may get worse before it gets better but you'll get there.  Definitely look into emotional validation, you'll need to do that as much as possible with the kid.  Don't defend the behavior with stuff like "I'm sure xBPDH loves you.  He just acts strange sometimes", go with "I understand, how does that make you feel when he does that?"

[CoherentMoose]

As I indicated before, there will be triggers in the years to come.  Can your GF accept that eventually they will end up getting things like this addressed in court, whether this issue or a future issue?

FD, yes, she knows this will likely be the start of a much longer process.  We hope not, but all my reading in here leads me to believe it's just the start of a long and painful journey.

[What would be ex's triggers if his time were reduced, such as to alternate weekends?  Is he preoccupied with fears he might be ordered to pay more child support?

He does not appear to be preoccupied with child support at this time.  It's not that large.  We will not go down the path of reducing his parenting time unless the mental health experts recommend it in writing and their recommendation can be used in court.

Or is he concerned about his public image looking good?

He is concerned.  He's "perfect" and all others are flawed, including doctors.  Why Covid has been so damaging as it's given him the perfect reason to completely isolate his "new" family.  We've had issues with him making the children cry on phone calls when he yells at them for playing with friends at our house.  I guess they are not allowed outside to play with friends at his house.  We're now attempting to minimize phone calls.

 

It may get worse before it gets better but you'll get there.  Definitely look into emotional validation, you'll need to do that as much as possible with the kid.  Don't defend the behavior with stuff like "I'm sure xBPDH loves you.  He just acts strange sometimes", go with "I understand, how does that make you feel when he does that?"

Mart, I fully expect it to get worse.  There is mounting evidence his "rebound" marriage is starting to hit some serious bumps.  The teenage step-daughter wants to attend school and he is preventing it.  Freshman years are very interesting years and kid's attitudes are difficult in the best situations and that poor girl is not in the best of situations right now, especially given the Covid crazy.  I too agree to validate as much as possible.  It's a skill my GF and I are working on.  I've concentrated on not responding with a statement, but asking questions like the one you suggested.  It's a learned skill for sure.

FD and Mart, thank you both or your time and advice.  It's much appreciated.   Co Mo