Boundaries and Consequences

[Purplerain23]

Hello this is my first Post . My SO was diagnosed with BPD last year and it was a crazy ride . I broke up with him after this last episode where he came to my Job after I enacted  a consequence for a Boundary I set when I went through with the consequence he went ballistic, I had to lock myself in the car and call the police after he had a huge temper tantrum. That event has rattled me out of the FOG and addictive on again off again cycle . I know I need to recover myself . I know I need to work on my codependency and really get to the bottom of why I allowed all of this for the past two years. I told him that if he actually found a way to do therapy long term I would revaluate. He can’t afford the super expensive and only DBT that’s offered where we live. With regular counseling He’s improved tremendously since last year but not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. I was wondering if it’s the right thing to do to write out and give him a list of my boundaries and needs ect . Has anyone done this with any success. He asked me for it he also asked me to write down all the specifics of how he betrayed me and broke my trust . I’m wondering if I should do this or is this just a charm tactic to keep me  communicating with him when I told him I need a break ... It’s all very confusing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Purplerain23:

I enacted  a consequence for a Boundary I set. When I went through with the consequence he went ballistic, I had to lock myself in the car and call the police after he had a huge temper tantrum.   

What was the consequence you enforced?  Temper tantrums like that are very alarming.  I'm glad you took measures to stay safe.

I was wondering if it’s the right thing to do to write out and give him a list of my boundaries and needs ect .   

If you are still considering working things out, then I'd lean towards doing it now, but be sure to maintain your boundaries about limited communication.   If it leads to too many interactions and JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending & Explaining), you may need to abandon course.

If you aren't sure if you want to reconcile, or need to maintain a complete break for a period of time, then defer it and give him a target date to supply the information.  At some point, if he is serious about really examining his problem behaviors and changing/continuing to change for the better, your input would be helpful.

He asked me for it he also asked me to write down all the specifics of how he betrayed me and broke my trust . I’m wondering if I should do this or is this just a charm tactic to keep me  communicating with him when I told him I need a break ... It’s all very confusing   

One approach would be to start out with sharing your boundaries and needs only, if you want to, and take it a step at a time.   If I'm understanding correctly, he is seeing a therapist, but can't afford DBT training?

If he is seeing a therapist, do you think a suggestion from the therapist could have prompted this request for information?  I guess there are some pros and cons to sharing right now.  If you decide to do it, you might want to step into it and see if you get a reaction or backlash.  Be clear about your communication boundaries if you go forward with sharing.  (i.e. email only & limitation, no phone calls, no texting, stick with the issues only, etc.).

If you like the progress he makes, and then think about getting back together, you might want to have some joint counseling, before doing that.  So, step into a reconciliation, if that is what you decide to do.

It generally takes year for people with BPD or BPD traits to improve.  It will likely be something that has to always be managed.  Stressful life events, commonly bring about significant reoccurrences of prior behaviors.

[Purplerain23]

Thanks NN

The consequence was that I was no longer going to be part of his nonprofit board if he disrespected , used,  or tried to manipulate me in anyway. He’d have to respect me the same way he respected others in the ministry or I was out.

(Sorry I haven’t learned to use the quote box yet )

He is seeing a therapist who is giving him a deep discount. He doesn’t specialize in DBT and thinks BPD isn’t really a thing it’s more of traits of trauma... so luckily my SO takes that part with a grain of salt ... he knows he has BPD his first Major episode And rage out was so scary he had himself baker acted where they parked him somewhere with no treatment inpatient for two weeks. It was devastating and more confusing ...then they sent him to a psychiatrist a month later and he got the official Diagnosis.  I know I was in denial it was easier for me to take the position that he was just an abusive person and could control himself until I started educating myself and he is

[Purplerain23]

Continued...

He is definitely fitting his diagnosis of BPD 100 percent  So our pastor sent us to the counselor first as a couple and then he said he needed to do some in depth work with him Alone on his trauma.

I have started attending CODA and I see all my compliance and control patterns as well . Mainly I need a break to get renewed and refreshed myself . then I can really commit to learning about this disease he has And this board has already been helpful to read through the post and specifically I plan to read through all the tools they suggested.

He asked for the list because he listened to a TED talk by Brenae  brown about what makes a trusting relationship . He said that he was horribly active in his disease but could only see it after he raged out,  and was off his medication for 5 days which gives him the slight ability to at least think for 5 seconds before reacting  ...He is deeply sorry and understands now and respects my boundaries of needing physical space . He is just emailing sending flowers ect ...For BPD he is extremely self aware but once he starts avalanching he can’t stop his splitting value/devalue and fear of abandonment.

I can tell this is going to be a loong journey . I’m scared of the love bombing and on again off again cycle. I feel like I now have the breathing room I need to recover and I don’t want to admit that I love him and want us to work out but I’m afraid that I am wanting something that may not be possible . Either way ... this is the end off the fantasy bond. I told him that . If there will be an “US” it will be a relationship built slowly on mutual trust and good boundaries. That’s why he’s in a scramble to try to figure out what trust and boundaries actually are..and it’s hard for me to admit that I went into this relationship having none that I kept with him .

I think that’s great advice about JADE . I will let you know how it goes .
My heart goes out to all of our BPD Families. I want to believe it’s possible to grow through all of this .

[Naughty Nibbler]

Purplerain23:
Just sharing a few more thought.

The consequence was that I was no longer going to be part of his nonprofit board if he disrespected , used,  or tried to manipulate me in anyway. He’d have to respect me the same way he respected others in the ministry or I was out. 

It doesn't make logical sense & it's hard to understanding two things:
1. Someone who is active in a church can verbally or physically abuse a partner or family member and treat them poorly

2. That people are able to treat others from church, work environment, or friends fine, but they save their emotional dysregulation for when they are with their partner and/or family (a place where they feel comfortable dysregulating).

He is seeing a therapist who is giving him a deep discount. He doesn’t specialize in DBT and thinks BPD isn’t really a thing it’s more of traits of trauma..

So our pastor sent us to the counselor first as a couple and then he said he needed to do some in depth work with him Alone on his trauma.   

What's his "trauma"? 

I can tell this is going to be a loong journey . I’m scared of the love bombing and on again off again cycle. I feel like I now have the breathing room I need to recover and I don’t want to admit that I love him and want us to work out but I’m afraid that I am wanting something that may not be possible . 

He sounds motivated at the current time.  In the majority of instances, there is no quick fix or even a long-term fix.  Even when someone seems to have a good handle on things, stressful life events can bring about undesirable behaviors and dysregulation.  So, you have to accept that fact and that a long-term cure is unlikely

Meds can help certain people, but they can quit working after a period of time.  Sometimes, people quit taking the meds, because of undesirable side effects.  If children are possible, you need to consider the possibility that genetics could be in play. If you don't believe in divorce, or only divorce in certain situations, then that is something to think over as well. 

So, continue to explore the workshops here.  The communication skills and strategy can be used with anyone in life.  Take you time, in considering your options. If you decide to try getting back together, you will have some skills to use.  Then take your time and see how things go, but stay realistic.