Trying to protect kids, but when is enough, enough?

[Bunsen48]

I've been married for 24 years, my children are 15 and 13 both girls. I've been clinging to this marriage only to protect my children, because God knows what will happen to them when they are alone with my Wife for a week at a time. It's bad enough that when I'm not home she berates them and guilt trips them. And of course, there is a good child and a bad one, even though in actuality they are pretty much the same.

My BPD wife also has depression and is only being treated for the depression.

My BPD wife just asked me if I've finally come to the conclusion that we are better off apart. Now that sounds like a loaded question and one I just wasn't prepared to answer. She asked that and I didn't know what to say other than no. And WTH? Looking back, I guess I should have asked what she thinks? I just don't know what to say anymore. When it comes down to it, does it matter what I say? I've been saying to myself, that if I can just stay married until they are out of High School, then that can be it. Maybe it's okay to let it go? This same exact situation has happened so many times, I'm just tired of trying to navigate through it.

And then she comes and tells me that everything always revolves around me. We never do anything that she wants to do. Everything is always about me. Does it ever end?

My kids are the biggest concern. Both children are in counseling, I'm considering going back. One of them has an eating disorder and the other is depressed.

[defogging]

I was also staying for the kids, and had told myself I would hold on until they were out of the house (much younger kids than yours though)  I chose to leave, and I don't regret it for an instant.  The final straw for me was when I realized I was no longer able to actually be a father to my kids due to my exBPDw constantly interrupting and undermining me whenever I interacted with them.  I came to the conclusion that I wasn't willing to model our relationship to the kids as normal, because it was very unhealthy.  As I woke up from the FOG and mentally detached from my wife, the more she escalated into verbal and physical abuse until it was no longer bearable.

Fast forward to almost two years since I left.  The kids and I are doing so much better now.  They are more relaxed, cheeks are plump and full again, no more dark circles under their eyes, and my house is filled with laughter while any disagreements now end in compromise.  Leaving them alone with her, without me there, was also a major fear of mine.  It's turned out that being away from the PD environment and in a calm house half of the time has done wonders for them.  For myself, I'm much happier and finding joy in things again.  I also no longer live in fear, paralyzed by the thoughts that no matter what I do it will be wrong.

Not telling you what you should do, just sharing my experience from the other side.

I think the decision ultimately comes down to whether or not the potential benefits of leaving outweigh the pain you know you'll go through by staying.

[formflier]

Another way of looking at it is asking the question...where can I do the most good for my relationship with my kids.  (in other words..leave the pwBPD out of it..)

Perhaps a separate question is "where can I be most effective as a parent?"

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

My husband's parenting was also compromised by his then-wife. At she's 12, 14, 17 his children were actively asking him to divorce her.