Co-Parenting: Conflict Between D8 and Mom

[Turkish]

Our daughter has always been a tough cookie. We've noticed sonce she was 2, our steadfast child.

Things are stressful for all of us due to the virus. I supervise their remote learning every morning until lunch break when I pass them of to mom for the last two hours and pick them up a
After 7PM. I WFH mornings, but go into a lab from about 1230-7PM. Their mom 95% does work from home and it involves a lot of video meetings. She says it's hard to supervise the kids. I believe it.  My morning WebExs are rare. Some of my WFH just involves phone calls or texts and sometimes I get away with not doing VPN (calls and texts count as working, ha!).

This evening, D8 came out first when I picked them up. Their mom called me in the parking lot to send her back in to clean up a mess. At first our daughter said "No!" But I told her that I wasn't going to get in the middle of whatever was going on.  "Fine!" And she went in. S10 was still getting ready and I told him they should have been ready since they knew I was coming.

It's the same thing most parents are going through: kids default to screen time whenever they can,  even worse than before the remote schooling.

My ex thanked me for returning D to clean up.  I said no problem and that I wasn't going to be used to get in the middle.

When we were pulling out afterwards,  our daughter said, " mommy is the 'b-word'." I told her that while it was ok to be angry, that it was unacceptable to call anyone that word. It was very disrespectful. She told me that mommy had called her that before (not tonight). S10 confirmed it. 

I asked my son later by himself, I know kids can exaggerate, and he said that mommy called him that before (I knew, ['stop acting like an [effing B---!]).

I texted their mom later.  She said that she told D8 once last year, "stop acting like a b---!" And that she apologized.

In other news... I told the kids that our female puppy was indeed the b-word, and that it was the only acceptable usage, and that it was a slur to human females to compare them to dogs, and that's how the slur arose.

[mggt]

Good for you for doing the right thing when it comes to your children.  I wish all parents did this.  Instead of trashing each other in front of the kids.   

[formflier]

Solid work Turkish!

Best,

FF

[Turkish]

Covid Kids...

Tonight, they're with their mom for two nights, D8 called me and said that she wants to change the schedule to see me more. D8 suggested they stay with me every night because she feels like they spend more time with mommy. Though we're on a 3-2-2-3 schedule (3s are weekends) this is true due to covid.

I pick them up even on their mom's days to supervise remote schooling until lunch, returning them at lunch break. On my nights I wake up with them,  but their mom agreed to watch them also on my days until I pick them up after 7PM.

Thus, I have them more during school, but she has them for more total hours. I can WFH mornings, and my WebEx meetings are rare. Their mom's Work From Home is such that she participates in a lot of meetings and trainings, often a presenter.

Tonight, I told D8 that if I had them every night, she'd still spend more time with mommy. And after that virus, she'd be in daycare or after school. "But I love you more and want more time with you!" Maybe I invalidated her, but I said that's not good to say. Here, mommy chimed in on speakerphone. "That's ok, I've told her that I don't take it personally." Then the conversation became between me and their mom. 

As with many things over the years, she can minimize things by sounding logical, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt here. She told me that while on trainings, the kids but her, refuse to go upstairs when asked (they live in a 2 story apartment/condo), and worse is that on PC camera, both kids make faces and tease her such that she had to shut down while in a meeting. That's completely unacceptable behavior.

Her family have long advocated smacking them to keep them in line. Despite the custody agreement which forbids that, even though it's legal in this state, I know her struggle not to raise the kids as she was. I often want to ask her parents, "how well did that work overall?" Our kids have witnessed my ex's younger sister whapping her son, 6, on the mouth from the time he was 2, and it bothered them.

I think my ex is afraid of losing control, and I think that she does lose it and yells at them, yet there's a reflexive dynamic where they push boundaries. I have almost zero issues with our ASD1 S10 (soon to be 11). D8 tests me also, yet I don't view as too much of a problem. 

Not to get into unhealthy triangulation, but I am going to have a serious talk with them tomorrow after I pick them up. I've had the talk about how the virus is hard on all of us, and we've had to do things we don't like,  but we do it anyway.  I've also told them that while I realize that they're kids, that they aren't babies either. 

It's such that while I've been looking for another job, I think I need to make it the best of where I'm at because the job I want to apply for would be too much travel. Given the instability, I feel I need to make the best of where I am now.