Update

[Depression = 72% of members]

Its been a while,
I was NC with Mom since about August 2019, about two months ago I allowed her to start video chatting with her grandchildren per her request. I have been monitoring these video chats, my kids know very little about my relationship with mom they are 8 and 10 a little young to understand. At any rate, it has been going well. We did see each other at a birthday party and everything was cordial. I feel very walled-off from her and sometimes that leaves me feeling a little guilty and also pondering how this is probably a coping method for me. It is so easy not having her in my life. On her last phone call, she needed to tell me something so my children returned the phone, she then told me all about Christmas cactuses I am surprised she did not pick up on my annoyance. The call lasted way longer than It should and she went on and on about herself, I offer nothing about my life to her, I promise that always ends badly. I didn't want to talk with her but I sat there and listened anyway. Trying to think of how to politely exit.
It's funny because I do still have moments when I think to myself, things seem good, and then my sister will mention something to me that mom has said or done to her. Just Kidding she's still up to her old tricks. I also noticed how (and for all my life I have felt this is true) mom treats me differently than my other two siblings and sometimes this is for the better or for worse. Currently, it is for the better she says things to them she would never say to me (wait does that make me the golden child) and I just don't understand how they tolerate the abuse from her, like why do you let her get away with that, I mostly keep my opinion about it to myself and try to redirect the conversation, but those moments remind me what is at stake.
I guess I am working on where I draw the line, where does or relationship stops and start, and how do I communicate that with her.

[SepiaScarf]

Its been a while,
I was NC with Mom since about August 2019, about two months ago I allowed her to start video chatting with her grandchildren per her request. I have been monitoring these video chats, my kids know very little about my relationship with mom they are 8 and 10 a little young to understand. At any rate, it has been going well. We did see each other at a birthday party and everything was cordial. I feel very walled-off from her and sometimes that leaves me feeling a little guilty and also pondering how this is probably a coping method for me. It is so easy not having her in my life. On her last phone call, she needed to tell me something so my children returned the phone, she then told me all about Christmas cactuses I am surprised she did not pick up on my annoyance. The call lasted way longer than It should and she went on and on about herself, I offer nothing about my life to her, I promise that always ends badly. I didn't want to talk with her but I sat there and listened anyway. Trying to think of how to politely exit.
It's funny because I do still have moments when I think to myself, things seem good, and then my sister will mention something to me that mom has said or done to her. Just Kidding she's still up to her old tricks. I also noticed how (and for all my life I have felt this is true) mom treats me differently than my other two siblings and sometimes this is for the better or for worse. Currently, it is for the better she says things to them she would never say to me (wait does that make me the golden child) and I just don't understand how they tolerate the abuse from her, like why do you let her get away with that, I mostly keep my opinion about it to myself and try to redirect the conversation, but those moments remind me what is at stake.
I guess I am working on where I draw the line, where does or relationship stops and start, and how do I communicate that with her.

[beatricex]

Hi SepiaScarf,

You sound very centered, I'm encouraged after reading your post.

You know you are the other participant in this relationship so You (not her) get to decide where you want to draw that line.

I too only talk of superficial stuff with my BPD'd mom.  It's hugely frustrating when they go on and on and on...always only about what she wants to talk about.  It feels a lot like being a held a captive hostage. 

I test it sometimes, like recently, it was my best friend from Highschool's birthday (she lived with us our senior year, so my Mom knows her well).   I stated "Mom, guess who's birthday it is today?"  She couldn't guess so I told her and her face scrunched all up and she said in disapproval "Oh.  I don't communicate with HER."  I found this incredibly odd since it was my Mom that found her on Facebook and requested her phone number for me!  So why the rude comment, when I was just making small talk?

For this reason, I try to keep it impersonal.  I don't talk about my husband or my adult step-children at all with her.  I try to think of neutral/boring topics.   I told her recently "Mom, I don't need a play by play of what's going on in my siblings lives..."  Hoping she would get the hint, she's not getting a play by play of mine.  This didn't really work, she still likes to tell me any dirt she gets on someone.

I dislike the criticizing, being made to feel inferior, like I don't have any friends (or my friends don't count only hers), and just flat out negating me - part of our conversations.  Sometimes she will pretend not to remember the names of people that are important to me.  It's incredibly frustrating, one big act.  I guess the world is their stage...or something like that.

Anyway, I can relate SS.  Interested to hear more.
B

[Methuen]

I too only talk of superficial stuff with my BPD'd mom.  It's hugely frustrating when they go on and on and on...always only about what she wants to talk about.  It feels a lot like being a held a captive hostage.

This made me laugh.  Before I found this site, I tolerated the same for a solid 20 years.  I used to assume it was just "my mom" who was like that.  Then I found this site.  So when I read someone else saying the same thing, it makes me laugh now.

I told her recently "Mom, I don't need a play by play of what's going on in my siblings lives..."  Hoping she would get the hint, she's not getting a play by play of mine.  This didn't really work, she still likes to tell me any dirt she gets on someone.

  I know right? For years I politely listened to my mother gossip about other people.  It was distasteful, and I felt bad listening to it, and tolerating it, but not calling her on it because she was my mother and I was afraid of how she would react. After years, I finally had enough.  After some self-rehearsing and mental prep, I politely and gently said, "mom, I'm not comfortable when you say bad things about people who aren't here to defend themselves.  I don't think it's right to gossip about people.  I prefer to talk about positive things instead."  Then I immediately changed the topic.  I could tell she was "taken aback".  She's been better since then, but it came at a time I was very LC with her after being NC for a spell, so there were probably other things at play too.  It's so sad that our mothers need boundaries set by their daughters, but sadly, it's probably because their childhood had big issues with poor boundaries, so they just didn't learn healthy behavior.  By setting a boundary to preserve our own values, I try to look at it as an opportunity to show my mom more appropriate behavior.  Occasionally it works, sometimes it doesn't.  I know it  helps that my mom is on an antidepressant (nothing worked when she wasn't).

On her last phone call, she needed to tell me something so my children returned the phone, she then told me all about Christmas cactuses I am surprised she did not pick up on my annoyance. The call lasted way longer than It should and she went on and on about herself...I didn't want to talk with her but I sat there and listened anyway. Trying to think of how to politely exit.

I believe there is nothing wrong with finding an end or an "exit" to a conversation with your mother, just as we might with a colleague at work, or an acquaintance we meet in town.  How about: "mom I'm happy to hear you are enjoying your Christmas cacti in bloom.  I have to go ________(finish dinner so it doesn't burn, pick up the kids etc). Take care!"  
 

[GaGrl]

My 94 year old mom lives with us now. She has a few BPD traits that I watch, hoping I handle them effecyively.

When Mom starts speculating on someone or something, I have found that a simple, "Well, I don't know, and it's really none of our business." Then I change the subject. This seems to work.

[SepiaScarf]

Mom's really searching for attention. This weekend she sends me a Facebook msg that read " Hi, I'm in the er. just had Ct. My diverticulitis might be acting up. Just wanted to give you a heads up". I simply replied with a "Feel Better". For the majority of my life, I was her personal caretaker the one who took her to the ER, sat by her side the whole time, cleaned her up. Even though she had a husband and I was a child. I am super bitter when it comes to health stuff and my mom and feel like I always have to check myself. Some of it is real...most of it is something else. For example..she could not work for 5 years, left my father, and started working 12hr shifts in less than 1 month's time.
Is it terrible that my first thought was so who aren't you getting attention from? Don't come looking here I am not doing it unless a Dr tells me it's really actually serious, also Thank you COVID(cause they won't let me anyhow).
I think I need to work on my anger and resentment.

[zachira]

You say you may need to work on your anger and resentment. Maybe part of feeling less anger and resentment could be accepting that you will always be sad about not having the kind of mother we all deserve: kind, caring who has her children's back. I find it sometimes can help to feel the sadness to soften the anger.

[beatricex]

SS,
Anger and resentment are those "more comfortable" feelings, as we feel power expressing them...but (ever heard of the anger iceburg?) they are often masking some of the more uncomfortable feelings.  Hurt, sadness, inadequecy, fear of being abandoned by our BPD'd mom...

It is OK to feel all the feelings, even the ones anger is hiding.  I know it can feel unbearable, but those are valid and justifiable too.  And remember feelings just are.  They are not you and have no power once you release them.

Please continue to post, I hear you.

B

[SepiaScarf]

Zacharia, Beatricex,
    I think you nailed it and I had honestly never thought of it like that before, but that anger is much like a wall, it comes up in a split seconds time, standing between me and what I am really feeling. Its been sort of a facade so I can pretend I am okay with things the way they are, even though I think I will always be a little sad and hurt.

Thank you for what you said it was perfectly what I needed to hear.

[zachira]

I am glad we were helpful. Another perspective I have found personally helpful is understanding two kinds of anger. There is anger that is highly functional; it mobilizes a person to do what they need to do. Then there is anger that stays stuck and masks emotions we need to feel to be able to move on. I think with the disordered people in our lives, we often are feeling a mix of the two kinds of anger. With anybody else but our close family member, we would likely just end the relationship if possible right then and there if they mistreated us or if not possible limit our exposure to this person. The need to flee while feeling the sadness about not getting the love we deserve from our mother can be so overwhelming and leave us feeling paralyzed in despair and anger. Having a loving mother is so important through all stages of life. We have a strong need to feel that initial unconditional motherly love whether our mother is alive or dysfunctional, that is imbedded in people who get the loving care they needed in childhood. I have found it helps me to take time to grieve on a regular basis the loss of not having a loving mother and family, so the sadness does not build up into anger, though there are many times when I have to struggle to feel the sadness because I am so angry about how my life is negatively affected by current and past family abuse. Do keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know what you are learning. We support each other on this board, and know we are not alone in dealing with a disordered mother, something that people who have not walked a mile in our shoes rarely understand.