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[Parents! Get help here!]

I have a daughter that I haven't talked to in 1 1/2 years.  She has been diagnosed with PtSD and general anxiety disorder or what she tells me.  She has been lying to me since she was sixteen about her smoking and she didn't finally tell me the truth until she was 26.  She always picks guys that has control issues or drug abuse problems.  She says I am the problem. She twists my words to where feel like I'm going crazy.  I feel like at my wits end.  She tells me all of her friends believe I'm the bad one.  When I try to talk to them, they tell me they don't want to get involved.  She got everything she wanted when she was a child. Got to go anywhere she wanted.  We did get into bad arguments when she was young.  Screaming matches because if I told her no or she would have to clean her room before she went anywhere.  Her room was always a mess and she would shove things under her bed or closet to make it look like she had cleaned her room.  When she was 13, she started cutting herself and learned from a girl at church camp.   She has went through over $100,000 of money my father has given her.  Her father committed suicide when she was 15 years old.  She took it very hard.  She received $36000 from him and blew all of it.  Recieved money as long as she went to school until she was 22 but never completed or flunked a class.  My mother died and she blamed me for not telling her sooner because she should have known when she went to the hospital even though she hadn't spoken to either of us for over a year and a half.  From the time my mom got to the hospital and passed was 12 hours.  I called as soon as I know from the neurologist and left a message that is was an emergency.  She didn't call me back until 9:30 the next day.  My mom died at 5 am the next morning.  I told her I wasn't going to listen to her attacking me.  Then she called me back and talked to me for 2 hours, all good.  told me what size my granddaughter wore and that her property taxes haven't been paid.  I counselor told me to not enable her and to right her a letter before the memorial.  I knew she would blow up so I didn't bring up anything.  After the memorial, I gave her my mom's tv because she said she didn't have one also with some other things of my moms.  She asked me if my mom left her anything and I said she was taken off because she hadn't talked to my mom in over a year.  Then she asked if I would pay her taxes.  Told her I needed to think about it because I haven't seen her or my granddaughter in over a year.  She preceded to tell me her boyfriend was about to leave her and she had no money and can't work because she has no sitter and covid.  My counselor tells me she has bpd and I've read Randi Kreger book and it fits her to a tee.  I love my daughter but if i don't give into her, she blames me for her childhood, her relationships, her mental illness on me.  Makes me feel guilty on so many levels. Confuses and takes everything I say out of context.  Am I the one that is crazy?

[scared grammy]

I have a daughter that I haven't talked to in 1 1/2 years.  She has been diagnosed with PtSD and general anxiety disorder or what she tells me.  She has been lying to me since she was sixteen about her smoking and she didn't finally tell me the truth until she was 26.  She always picks guys that has control issues or drug abuse problems.  She says I am the problem. She twists my words to where feel like I'm going crazy.  I feel like at my wits end.  She tells me all of her friends believe I'm the bad one.  When I try to talk to them, they tell me they don't want to get involved.  She got everything she wanted when she was a child. Got to go anywhere she wanted.  We did get into bad arguments when she was young.  Screaming matches because if I told her no or she would have to clean her room before she went anywhere.  Her room was always a mess and she would shove things under her bed or closet to make it look like she had cleaned her room.  When she was 13, she started cutting herself and learned from a girl at church camp.   She has went through over $100,000 of money my father has given her.  Her father committed suicide when she was 15 years old.  She took it very hard.  She received $36000 from him and blew all of it.  Recieved money as long as she went to school until she was 22 but never completed or flunked a class.  My mother died and she blamed me for not telling her sooner because she should have known when she went to the hospital even though she hadn't spoken to either of us for over a year and a half.  From the time my mom got to the hospital and passed was 12 hours.  I called as soon as I know from the neurologist and left a message that is was an emergency.  She didn't call me back until 9:30 the next day.  My mom died at 5 am the next morning.  I told her I wasn't going to listen to her attacking me.  Then she called me back and talked to me for 2 hours, all good.  told me what size my granddaughter wore and that her property taxes haven't been paid.  I counselor told me to not enable her and to right her a letter before the memorial.  I knew she would blow up so I didn't bring up anything.  After the memorial, I gave her my mom's tv because she said she didn't have one also with some other things of my moms.  She asked me if my mom left her anything and I said she was taken off because she hadn't talked to my mom in over a year.  Then she asked if I would pay her taxes.  Told her I needed to think about it because I haven't seen her or my granddaughter in over a year.  She preceded to tell me her boyfriend was about to leave her and she had no money and can't work because she has no sitter and covid.  My counselor tells me she has bpd and I've read Randi Kreger book and it fits her to a tee.  I love my daughter but if i don't give into her, she blames me for her childhood, her relationships, her mental illness on me.  Makes me feel guilty on so many levels. Confuses and takes everything I say out of context.  Am I the one that is crazy?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi scared grammy,
I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a big virtual hug.  This is a lot to go through.  I hear the pain and fear in your post and just want you to know you're not alone or crazy.

((scared grammy)

B

[scared grammy]

  Thank you so much.  She makes me feel it's all my fault.  Tells me I've done and said things to her that I know I haven't.  I tried to set limits to where she combative until I feel raw.  I've ask to talk to her psychologist but gives me some kind of excuse. I put a recording device on my phone to record our conversations because she turns things around so much.   

[beatricex]

grammy,
Ya, i can relate to wanting to record their conversations.  Also, with my BPD'd Mom, I used to wish there was a device that I could plug into my ears that would just block the noise of her voice out, entirely.  I looked for something like that.  This is when I was a very small child

What is your next step, where do you go next? 

With our BPD'd step-daughter (my husband's daughter), I want to set some clear boundaries when she starts blaming him for all that's wrong with her.  I'm looking for a gentle but firm way to say it.  Maybe, "I hear what you're saying, I hear you saying I have hurt you.  But in the gentlest way I can tell you, let me say this, let me tell you, you are my child and I would never hurt you on purpose, in fact, that is the last thing I would do!  Please accept my apology if I inadvertendly hurt you, but it's time to move on from this.  I will no longer listen to you rage that it's all my fault.  Call me when you want to have a more constructive discussion.  I hope that is soon.  I love you"

hang up the phone 

B