Mother of an adult daughter with BPD seeks to chat with other mothers

[missymoo]

Hello, good mother's, where ever you are.
I would love to chat with another mother who has raised a daughter with BPD. Your story might reflect my own experience.
Whether you have detached or surviving this nightmare, I welcome your voice, your comments, your opinions.

I look forward to new friends, please reach out.

Thank you xox

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HurtBrooklyn]

Hello, MissyMoo:

I also have an adult daughter that exhibits traits of BPD. She is alternately punishing me or banishing me. You described it well when you called it a nightmare. I'm glad you reached out specifically to mothers of adult children with BPD, although I believe anyone whose loved one has BPD has valuable insights into what you are enduring. This is a great resource.
You are not alone. I would like to hear more of what you are going through.
Hope to hear from you.

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Hello missymoo,

We too raised a daughter with BPD.  We saw BPD traits in her at an early age - extreme outbursts of rage, very low self esteem and image, eating disorder, misophonia, false memories, splitting, risky behavior, lying, stealing, false memories - the list goes on.  We are in discard now (again), and can’t see the grandkids, all because we cut her completely off financially.  There is help in this forum and light on the other side. 

Please let me know your questions.  We support you!

[Reree]

Our daughter is in her 30s and we are just now learning about BPD. She was a great kid, focused, responsible, good grades, excelled in sports, liked by everyone. At about age 13 she changed, almost overnight. She no longer wanted to engage in her sports activities and she became very focused on boys. She acted out a lot (sneaking out in the middle of the night, being defiant, etc.) Long story short, she didn't finish college and has spent the last 15 plus years in and out of abusive relationships, settling for low paying jobs, and now she has a 3 year old daughter. She is unable to support herself and both she and our granddaughter are living with us. My husband and I have spent years blaming ourselves, wondering what we did wrong, worrying about her health, both mentally and physically. She has very limited coping skills and lashes out at us whenever she is frustrated. We are coping as best as we can, trying to be patient and supportive to provide as stable as an environment for the sake of our grandaughter as we can. We have tried to encourage our daughter but she rejects whatever we suggest. She is very angry and she takes it out on us, especially me. I've learned not to react and not take things personally, but it still hurts. She seems not to be grateful for anything but we let a lot of things go for the sake of our grandchild. She lives here and doesn't pay anything, doesn't help with cleaning or cooking, claims to never have any time for anything. She hasn't been working since March due to Covid. She doesn't eat much, refuses to go to therapy, basically thinks everything wrong in her life is everyone else's fault. I just need a place to vent and to listen to others who are experiencing this.

[Reree]

I should add, we have another daughter who is very successful in her relationships and her career, and she is very supportive of her sister and tries to boost and encourage her and help her feel valued and loved. She has set boundaries so when our BPD daughter calls her to complain about us and tries to get her on "her side," she tells her she won't get in the middle and tells her to work it out with us.

[SafeAwayFromHer]

Well I’m going to tell you now that everything you described is classic BPD:  blame everyone for their problems, pick a target person of blame (usually the mom), contribute nothing but expect it all, manipulate and syphon funds while doing nothing to help their situation, full on explosive meltdowns, etc. She’s not working, not going to therapy, but has no time to take care of her and her daughter’s needs?    

Bottom line:  YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.  BPD is genetic, possibly accompanied by some environmental factor and not just related to trauma (such as, believe it or not, not being popular enough, not having expensive clothes, not being given enough trophies).  The BPD usually is accompanied by another comorbidity - eating disorder or even narcissism or schizophrenia.  (That was our situation.  Our daughter’s father had the same.). Just my opinion:  healing will be in the offing as long as she lives with you.  It make quickly escalate into violence.  (BPDs escalate quickly when not in therapy.) if she abruptly moves, she may cut you off which would include the granddaughter.  Have you thought of some scenarios you might play should that happen?  It’s not our responsibility to prop our adult children up, and doing so will only exacerbate the situation.

It’s my experience that BPDs don’t get better; they optimally stabilize.  But that won’t happen outside of therapy.  And it’s not your responsibility to pay for her cost of living and therapy.  

Something to think about with your husband?

Hugs,

SafeAwayFromHer

[SafeAwayFromHer]

We also have another daughter, younger that our BPD daughter, who is very successful and thanks us often for our wonderful parenting.  Go figure that one..

[Tulipps]

You are certainly not alone! I (thankfully) found my way to this board recently, and feel both alarmed and comforted as a result. Alarmed, because I CAN”T BELIEVE how many years I’ve been sweeping, propping up and financing countless moves, relationship rescues, a twelve-year start-stop undergrad degree and various other “fresh starts” for my 33 year-old BPD daughter. Comforted, because help and hope are available. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on and start with a counsellor tomorrow – hoping for some practical guidance and feedback to lead me out of the FOG.
Thankful for the community. Good luck to all of us.