First post, stepmom

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi All, this is my first post, and hopefully I’ll be able to read others posts after I post. Married for five years and my husband’s daughter has BPF, and it’s very difficult whenever she’s at the house. She’s turning 21 but won’t grow up, and creates drama in our marriage every time she is over. Hoping to connect with others that can encourage and give tips during this time.

[Michelle-drained]

Hi All, this is my first post, and hopefully I’ll be able to read others posts after I post. Married for five years and my husband’s daughter has BPF, and it’s very difficult whenever she’s at the house. She’s turning 21 but won’t grow up, and creates drama in our marriage every time she is over. Hoping to connect with others that can encourage and give tips during this time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi Michelle-drained,
I am also a stepmom of someone with suspected BPD.  Also, my Mom is BPD'd.  I spent the good part of my early adult life learning about how to deal with my Mom.  weirdly, I was mailed a book (anonymously) about Borderline personality disorder when I was 27, which I read.  That was 21 years ago.  The treatment and understanding has surely changed.
 After reading that book, it was like a light bulb went off, I suddendly understand what is wrong with my mom.
 But the step-daughter has really caught me off guard.  My step daughter is 26 and has two kids of her own, 1 and 3.  Can you tell us more?

and... welcome

b

[Isabel2]

Hi Michelle-drained,
We are just embarking into adulthood with my 18 year old step-daughter who was diagnosed with BPD last year.  So far she is not really taking many steps towards adulthood. She has not held a job, still only has a permit and does not seem to have interest in driving etc.  She did go to college and stayed there for one semester so far but we don't know what her grades are...according to her self reporting sometimes As sometimes failing...so I guess we will see in a few weeks.  During the semester she had multiple crisis with broken computers and phones and one emergency room visit.  My husband and I have many conversations about boundaries and selective support to try and encourage her to start taking on adult responsibilities.  We also have boundaries for when she is in our home during breaks from college and encourage her to go to therapy and do DBT but, she has no interest. So, we are just starting this journey of having an adult child with BPD and our biggest fear is her continuing to just expect us and others to take care of her the rest of her life and not want to adult.  My only tip is that my husband and I really try to communicate and discuss our boundaries prior to crisis happening if possible so that we can act together.  We also try to base every decision on what will help encourage her to be an adult rather than maybe what is sometimes natural parenting decisions.  One book we read really talked about needing to have different "selective support" with children/adult children of BPD so we constantly go back to how will this support/or lack there of help her take more responsible steps.  Since we are just starting this journey of her being a legal adult now I don't know if it will help...but we will see!