Divorcing and Displaced

[HopeForHappiness]

My spouse and I were in marriage counseling for 10 years with a pyschologist who does not believe in diagnosis. My spouse had been escalating towards violence for the last several times he went black on me - quietly at first then more and more explosive episodes of rage. He feels that things like not making the tea sweet correctly or the tupperware being less than perfectly ordered in the drawer was a form of abuse from me. After an episode where he became violent in an intimate situation, he ran out of the house for a few days and instead of coming to a therapy appointment to deal with the violence, he lied about what happened, and then went to court and filed for divorce and a restraining order against me, who has never once laid a hand on him. His reasons for the TRO, which was not granted, were complaints like I tapped on his skin cancer surgery wound 4-5 years ago and I hug him too tight. I left the home that I bought on my own 12 years ago and just put him on title two years ago. I would not return to a situation where the "man who cried wolf" in my life was lying about what occurred when we were alone together. He was changing from one personality to another in our final sessions with the pschologist, who seemed to not notice and deflected my attmepts to bring them up while taking place in the therapeutic setting. By leaving and never going back to my spouse, I sense that I have performed that most egregious and often inevitable act to a probable BPD - I abandoned based on the abusive behavior that of course validates the abandonment. The question I have is now that I am out of the house (he changed the locks as is his legal right and my attorney has advised me not to do anything about that), will the abandoned BPD tend towards a nihilistic endgame - blowing up the settlement process where he might actually gain and walk away with some money to start his new post marriage life. OR is he just in denial and waiting for a recycle? He made a big effort to get me to give up and come back and accept the lie he was telling. It was a trick that worked before, this time was jut too rageful and violent and I had to stabilize the trauma symptoms I experienced, and so was away from our home long enough to get clear that I was dealing with someone who had a major undiagnosed personality disorder and PTSD. I am pretty certain that I saw him disassociate several times over the years. I would like to navigate the divorce with some clarity, I wish I had read about BPD and how to caretake emotionally, I feel like I failed there, but it was inevitable that we would have to separate eventually, his crazy is way too much for me.

[ForeverDad]

He's an adult.  He is responsible for his own actions and life.  Divorce is to put an end to the relationship.  While you would of course never treat him as he has treated you, you have to Let Go thoughts of caretaking him, looking out for his interests, or being overly fair.  Doing so would be sabotaging yourself.  You have to protect yourself. 

Have you heard of Brinkmanship?  One definition ... trying to achieve an advantageous outcome by pushing dangerous events to the brink of active conflict.  That's what your H did in the past.  Every time you relented and caved to, or didn't act on, his poor behaviors.  He surely noticed that he was able to weaken your boundaries, as inexperienced as you were.  So he kept pushing your boundaries until finally you had to exit.  In effect, your exit was you setting a new boundary.

You were not the one who failed.  He failed the marriage.  You tried, for years.  You did what you could, especially since you didn't have the education on how to deal with a spouse who was behaving poorly.  Even though your marriage failed, there is still a lot to learn on our Tools and Skills workshops board.

[formflier]

Where are you at in the divorce timeline?  How long does your L think this is going to take?

I want to echo others who have said it's obvious you didn't fail the relationship..he did.

I take your point about abandoning a pwBPD because of their BPD being a "big deal". 

There is a flip side of the coin that says "saving a pwBPD from the natural and logical consequences of their actions is no good/not loving/enables them..."

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[BigOof]

The standard splitting pattern has begun. Try reading "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

Do you have children together?