Adult son destroying us

[Parents! Get help here!]

 
I have no idea what to do with our 33 year old son. He has been in a slow downward spiral for several years. He won’t get help. When he does he leaves as soon as the Therapist asks him to do any work. He worked for his dad who gave him so many chances. He didn’t show up for days or weeks and still expected to be paid. He doesn’t live at home, no way can I do that. We found out he has stolen from our family small business. He blames us constantly. There is so much more.

[Momundone]

 
I have no idea what to do with our 33 year old son. He has been in a slow downward spiral for several years. He won’t get help. When he does he leaves as soon as the Therapist asks him to do any work. He worked for his dad who gave him so many chances. He didn’t show up for days or weeks and still expected to be paid. He doesn’t live at home, no way can I do that. We found out he has stolen from our family small business. He blames us constantly. There is so much more.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

So glad you wrote to us!  I am sorry your son stole from your business. 
I know you desperately want to help your son, but you can't.  You can help yourself, though and that is the key. 

Believe it or not there is some good news here in that he doesn't live with you while he is this dysregulated.   More importantly, you have a firm boundary in place that he won't live with you , so that is a good start.   You coming here is another good step in building up your own network of support.  Please share as you feel comfortable- we can be a good sounding board here.  Meanwhile, take a look around , you can also click onto people's names here to see previous posts and get more backstory.
Please know you are not alone, we understand here.

 

[Pomsie]

Sounds like you need to educate yourself on BPD behavior. He is doing, what they do. I no longer allow my adult daughter access to my home without supervision. She steals.
BPD is a mood disorder. They do very poorly in counseling because they really do not believe they are the problem. They rarely stay in therapy.

You need to buy books on BPD. Get yourself some counseling for learning about the disorder and support, watch YouTube videos about SPLITTING and other BPD issues.
Expecting a BPD to be a normal responsible adult is your error. You should instead be self protecting yourselves. Learning about his problem, and how your should be coping with it. Good luck.

[Lollypop]

Hi there Mumundone

Love your name!

Glad you found the forum, welcome.

You’ve been given some good advice from Swimmy and Pomsie.

It’s time to start stitching yourself and your husband back up! It’s going to take one stitch at a time.

It’s frustrating to watch them reeling around and painful when the blame game starts.

It’s easy to slip into “we don’t deserve this after all we’ve done for you” kind of response. Your son has bpd and he can’t help how he behaves. It’s frustrating and exhausting. Sounds like emotions are running very high right now. It’s the perfect time to lower yourself so you can think clearer. Decisions are best made  when feelings are calm  .

There’s so much you can do to help yourselves. I encourage you to take the advice you’ve been given.

Knowledge = power and you’ll see that it’s not your job to fix your son’s problems. My son didn’t have the skill set but has learnt the hard way. We’ve stood by him and learnt to allow him some dignity to make his own decisions without judgment or comment (well, most of the time  !)

You can learn how set some boundaries and limits to protect yourself. He’s not going to like it so start learning new ways of interacting with him so he can at least listen. Very simple communication tools will help you - you can learn them here and by reading up on bpd.

Any questions?  My son is 30 and lives independently. Things are far from perfect but we are happier. My husband and I succeeded (again, most of the time!) in becoming emotionally detached while we can still love him but maybe not liking him much sometimes.

LP