Countdown till post Christmas

[Sancho]

Does anyone else look forward to when Christmas is over? The build up, trying to work with BPD loved one - then holding your breath to see if you can get through the actual day without an explosion. I think my BP goes right up at this time of year. Can't wait till Boxing Day!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[carole57]

100 % same feelings

[Atlmags]

Completely agree. It's always a stressful day and I hold my breath every year. Usually my daughter is very tense, and everyone holds their breath, but she generally holds it together because her aunt and a family friend usually come and she has to behave. But this year I don't have to worry ... because I've been uninvited to Xmas due to some perceived slight. The only good thing about the day is that I get to spend it with my 7 YO granddaughter, but not this year. I'm newly single, so will be alone -- can't spend time with friends because of COVID. It's very hard. I had commissioned an oil portrait of my granddaughter as a special gift to my daughter this year -- but now I'm afraid to give it to her for fear she will destroy it in a fit of anger.

[Swimmy55]

I automatically diminish Christmas day in my mind  and put it in perspective.  It is one out of 365 days. I bust out the gratitude journal and definitely put down 5 things I am grateful for on this day.   Since it's covid and I live alone, I will be cooking something small , watching movies and continuing a home improvement project. Don't allow the Holidays/ Hellidays to take you down the rabbit hole of depair and hang in there. 

[beatricex]

I will be thinking about everyone that is alone on Christmas and sending good vibes, and holiday cheer (I will probably check in here too).  I know what it's like to be alone on a holiday, I did it for far too many years.  Awkward to be invited to my neighbor or coworker's house, because I had no where else to go... but those days are gone and now is my chance to give back to others.

Why focus on the negative borderline in your life?  There are too many people that are deserving and need your support, and will welcome it.  I'm not going to worry about my borderlines and their problems, but instead focus positive energy to those who are receptive and open to me and my gifts.


b

 

[PearlsBefore]

Atlmags, beautiful gift idea - hope you find a way to get it to her at some point. Would it be worth getting a Costco photo lab to do a print of the painting (typically about $20, maybe $40 if you want it printed on canvas to look like the original) and give her the copy now...with some explanation of how you want to save the original until she moves into that new apartment/house/town she's vaguely referenced in the past? Then whenever you feel the time is right, send her the original?

One dBPD in my life grew up encouraged to be "extra Christmasy" from December 1st through January 6 (Advent to Epiphany) and of course things like the tree had to be arranged before that, and depart after that...so even not counting the preparation days that took up 5% of the year...it was literally 10% of her life was "Christmas Day". With BPD.

In her adult years, with many tantrums and broken holiday ornaments, it got gradually reduced to basically Dec 24 - Jan 6...but those days were no less an absolute nightmare.

[Atlmags]

Thank you Pearls Before. Not a bad idea and I'll have to decide what I want to do now. I have been 'reinvited' as of an hour ago because the family friend who usually attends (who is my BFF) didn't want to go if I wasn't invited. Of course I took the blame for THAT as well, but my daughter had to realize at least in some small fashion that there are consequences for her behavior. I guess I'll get through it by biting my tongue and drinking mimosas. Unless I'm uninvited again, that is ...

[Sancho]

Gosh Pearls Before - Advent to Epiphany! And BPD!
It is now less than 4 hours until 25th December is over. It's been pretty terrible - not in the sense of huge angry outbursts, but just chaos. There is no way I can plan a simple day and just follow through with it. I ended up driving for 3 hours on Christmas Eve and 2 and a half on Christmas Day  to accommodate BPD d and then of course everything was out of kilter - and one small -ish explosion before taking to her bed.

It always helps knowing there are many others out there dealing with this extraordinary illness. We have survived another year. Am looking for strength to get me through another! Thanks for being there.

[Goosey]

My marriage blew up years ago. So why the h—- am I ruminating about the loss?  I don’t like to rehash the craziness but I do to smack myself back to reality of how it really was... 
  But ya I dread Christmas. So I am on the road working outside in the rain and snow and living in hotels.
    Not the best solution.  Driving interstates with a choice of songs or the news.
  Oh well

[beatricex]

hi Goosey,
Merry Christmas.  Glad you're here.

b

[Goosey]

And I am working on exteriors.
But they are western style steak houses so I can be barraged with country western songs. That can trigger my Inner rage ugh.
  I just am amazed someone can get everything they demanded for decades then go completely off the rails and slander and abuse us and our own offspring and lie and steal and then just wipe their hands of any responsibility and seemingly just move to the next.
  Me... ya I’m hurt.
  Our daughter? She is a concrete wall about it all. But I know it’s there. The rage I feel after being abused like this.
   I want to email a fbomb to my ex of what a sick twisted evil selfish lying twisted dishonest shallow animal she has been. But instead I paid for the flowers from our daughter for Christmas.
 Decades of my life wasted trying to calm the day just to be here. 
  Do I want her back...
   Ya I want the sweet moments a million years ago.
   Right now I want to rip into her verbally to make her see where damage she has done to the entire family and extended family.
  I want her to pay.
  I want her to hurt like I hurt.
  She screamed and screamed and ranted about her her her hurt as I scrambled and pleaded and payed sideways but then nothing. Just moved on and discarded her own blood.
  I hate her. I hate me for not being  able to just move on.
I look in the mirror and I see it. I’m just damaged by it.
And I can’t fix me because it’s just me. I guess I’m wired to fix it for others. I can’t fix me. I will never dump this crap I hold on anyone but you all.
I’m sorry.
  Just wiped out by years of it and then destroyed by the silence when discarded.
    Ahhhh. I was doing better before but I knew the shorter colder days and the holidays would send me sideways. So here I am.
But I’m here. I’m venting here. Not on a email to her. Because I k is that would bring her great satisfaction and absolutely no reply.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Glad you vented here Goosey. You have lots of insights in that vent, and we can feel your pain. I think most people here identify with you in so many of the ways you describe:

I am the same when the short, dark days arrive - I suffer from the winter blues and when I am blue the pain of this journey is much heavier.

I also am angry - especially when I have given all, been abused and then hear her chatting away to one of her friends.

The strongest reinforcement is having emotional connection sometimes - so our emotions are caught up in the rollercoaster ride of our BPD's intense emotions. It took me years to learn that her intense feelings would pass while the intense emotions I had been drawn into stayed with me for ages.

It's a bit like Pavlov's dog - when you have had years of things being really good 'sometimes' the emotional attachment is so, so hard to break.

And short days, long nights, Christmas and all the hype around being with loved ones will just heighten the intense pain you have.

Keeping breathing deeply . . . .

[beatricex]

Personally, I am glad that Christmas is over, and no drama.  Yeah!

Goosey,
 You said you would never dump this crap on anyone...but, I just wanted to gently remind you that if you do meet someone special, they will want to be right there with you, holding you to process your pain.  But, I get what you're saying.  At that point, you will be past this pain, correct?

Sancho, Thanks for the countdown, and reminding me that while their intense feelings are fleeting, our pain is greater, since we have empathy!  Yes, and remember.  While they seem to forget at their convience.  ugh, so true

Swimmy55, you are right it is one day out of 365.  Really, just another day.

Atlmags, did you give the oil portrait?

b