Finally admitting there’s a problem and feeling lost and useless

[Nahla3]

Hi, I’m currently at an all time low. I’ve always known my daughter felt differently all of her life and I’ve tried to manage it as best I can, never really understanding why she felt this way or knowing how to handle it or make her feel better and nothing I’ve done or tried to do has made a single difference. She still hates me, the world, everything ... but I know it’s because she just hates herself and it kills me. I started seeing a counsellor to try and decide what path to take regarding my partner and our relationship and my daughter keeps coming up in conversation and my partner, who I’ve asked to respond to a letter I wrote him, broke down in tears last night and expressed that my daughter has been part of the problem. My daughter has always and will ALWAYS come before any man or anyone for that matter but I feel that I just can’t help her anymore. She’s just turned 21 and I’m at breaking point because all of a sudden I’m expecting her to change, to ‘grow up and behave like an adult’ I’m at a stage where I can’t cope with it any more, I’ve hit rock bottom. I can’t stop crying and normally quite a placid person I had to practically run out of the house the other day before I smashed everything up. The rage inside me was frightening and since then, the sadness has taken over and I’m just so utterly deflated. And all the while ...: she couldn’t care less. Ive been in a short relationship in the past with a man who had BPD which was immense hell and which I got out of pretty quickly. This isn’t a relationship that I could or would ever want to walk away from obviously. After reading up on bpd this morning she is definitely the  petulant BPD type I think anyway. I’ve text my counsellor requesting that the focus needs to be on my daughter for the next session rather than on my relationship. My daughter knows she’s got issues but won’t seek help. I just don’t think I can live with this anymore. I’m really at a loss of how to deal with her. After 21 years of giving her my everything I’m thoroughly spent

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Nahla,
 Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are on track.   You have a personal therapist to help you and you reached out here- both good steps to build up your own support network.  We understand here and you are not alone.   I am guessing she still lives with you?

[Nahla3]

Hi, thank you for your message. She does. After a few days of her noticing that I’ve had enough she said to me last night “let’s not argue anymore” and the thing is, we hadn’t been arguing. I had just been very quiet and it was quite obvious I had been crying (and ruing to hide  it) for a few days. Rather than ask me if I am ok which she NEVER does, she’s decided that she will control the situation as usual by saying that. What she means is, stop now and start being your normal underdog self because you are boring me. She has no intention of changing her ways, she just wants me to change mine. Im struggling with how to approach her with this and with what I think is the issue because she will explode in a rage of ‘you hate me, you all hate me’ etc and storm off taking no responsibility for her actions. She came down stairs the other week with a huge burn on her leg, she said she dropped her straighteners on her leg but I know she did it on purpose, I’ve seen it before over the years, it doesn’t happen often. I told my other half this last night and he doesn’t believe me. Having never lived with BPD he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on, he thinks she’s just been spoilt, it’s difficult getting him to understand how complex this situation is. Hopefully my therapist will have some much needed advice. I need to know how to manage her and manage this situation which has been going on forever, before we all just completely fall apart. I just wish I could help her, I’ve spent her lifetime trying to and I’ve just failed miserably. My own mental health can’t take much more.

[Swimmy55]

It is scary , frustrating when the BPD self harms- my son cut himself when he was younger. You are right on time.   What I mean by that is you are at the point where you can start initiating change into the situation with the help of your network ( therapist, this forum, etc).  You are right in that you have as much rights as your daughter does.  It will take time and strength but you are at the point where you are ready.  The road will be long and there will not be a quick fix anywhere, but stay the course.
~In addition to what your therapist tells you, I would also suggest ( if you haven't already) going to the Library here and look over the suggested readings .  Educate yourself on BPD.  A good start is " Stop walking on Eggshells" .   In it you will find the first step to helping the BPD is to help yourself ( counterintuitive, I know, but true).
~There are some tools in the drop down menu above- I would suggest perusing through those as well. Familiarize yourself .
Please write back as you have need- we are here for you.