I think I've decided to leave, but I need to be careful

[CHChuck]

I simply cannot communicate with my BPD-like wife. After 30 years of her controlling virtually ever aspect of my life, I have decided I this my last chance to be in a loving, mutual-respectful relationship.

For our entire marriage, I have contorted myself to exist in a way to avoid her wrath. When I finally hit my limit or have made the wrong choices, I have suffered the consequences, a sure fight, withdrawing love and intimacy, and massive blaming.

My wife is also very wealthy (8 figures wealthy) and has insisted I am home sufficiently to take care of her and our children, when they were young. Even now, she is hesitant of my leaving if our pets do not have a caregiver. Additionally, she has locked up her family wealth so that I am not assured to be cared for if we separate or divorce. 

Another complication is that her BPD-like behavior only surfaces with me, our children (although I am careful not to draw them into the mess of a marriage), and the two or three other people who have stayed with us for more than few days. Virtually every other mutual acquaintance see her as a kind, loving, generous person. 

Portraying this gracious image with our therapist, our therapist is convinced the only problems revolve around communication and my wife's anxiety.  Being a generally anxious person she needs to control all my actions to compensate. 

Well, it's been a year and all that's happened is I have internalized her attacks, inconsistency, and manipulations to the point that I am feeling hopeless and suicidal. 

I believe it's time to pull the plug on this relationship but I also must be certain I leave with the ability to continue living in a way that minimally approaches the life I've grown accustomed. I honestly don't know what professional job I could find given the past 30 years have been entirely focused on my wife and children.

How do I proceed? My attorney tells me the best next step is to obtain a post-nuptial agreement and to try to have one of her trusts rewritten so that I become a beneficiary.

Does it make sense to "fake it" to the extreme for a few months so that she agrees to an agreement with me? My concern is in faking it, I often begin to believe and back away from my needs to keep the peace. 

Help! I think separation is better than the alternative, but separation is hopeless for me without some sort of safe exit.

[GaGrl]

First, let me say that the uBPD/NPD in our lives is my husband's ex-wife. He divorced her after 33 years of marriage, and he would tell you how appreciably better his life is now. So don't be discouraged by the number of years.

How old are your children, and how long have you been a stay-at-home husband and dad? These factors can be important.

[CHChuck]

Thank you for these encouraging words. My children are adults and have both, at one time or another, encouraged me to leave. That said, I often convince myself things are better and sell them both on that fact as well.

My problem is I believe beyond hope things will improve. My wife is my best friend, when things are going well. They go well if I am content moving through life in her way.

Returning from the grocery story this evening (She has needed me to do the shopping for 20 years now), I was listening to some fantastic emo music thinking how sad it is my wife is not willing to share my joys (music, TV, time in the woods, concerts). Every night, I watch her TV shows at her schedule. If I suggest we try one of my shows and she does not like it, I hear about it... I have learned to do my thing after she goes to bed, it's how I have stayed sane these years.

I realized I feel like a prisoner in this home, unable to leave because she needs me to take care of her. I think my sentence will end when I am able to establish some independence while maintaining our marriage. I don't think that is possible.

I have been the at-home dad and husband since we were married. She will tell you she always wanted me to work (truly she has reconstructed these memories) but then forgets how I had to quit every job within months because of some need she had. You'd think the fact that I cannot leave without our pets being cared for would be some indicator for her...alas. I do have a graduate degree. Graduate school was the one thing I could do at home while watching my children.

[truthdevotee]

Thank you for these encouraging words. My children are adults and have both, at one time or another, encouraged me to leave. That said, I often convince myself things are better and sell them both on that fact as well.

My problem is I believe beyond hope things will improve. My wife is my best friend, when things are going well. They go well if I am content moving through life in her way.

Returning from the grocery story this evening (She has needed me to do the shopping for 20 years now), I was listening to some fantastic emo music thinking how sad it is my wife is not willing to share my joys (music, TV, time in the woods, concerts). Every night, I watch her TV shows at her schedule. If I suggest we try one of my shows and she does not like it, I hear about it... I have learned to do my thing after she goes to bed, it's how I have stayed sane these years.

I realized I feel like a prisoner in this home, unable to leave because she needs me to take care of her. I think my sentence will end when I am able to establish some independence while maintaining our marriage. I don't think that is possible.

I have been the at-home dad and husband since we were married. She will tell you she always wanted me to work (truly she has reconstructed these memories) but then forgets how I had to quit every job within months because of some need she had. You'd think the fact that I cannot leave without our pets being cared for would be some indicator for her...alas. I do have a graduate degree. Graduate school was the one thing I could do at home while watching my children.

I feel your post so deeply. It helps me self reflect and be conscious of the patterns.

Although I've established more 'me' in the relationship over the last few months, it is always difficult to make another step into independence. It's as if there's an invisible wall, due to being so in tune regarding her desires and sensivities.

It has taken some time to realise what I want and to have the confidence to recognise that it's OK for me to want!

Now I'm certain that in staying, it will continue to be very hard to create the life I feel I want to make.

My boys and 4 and 2. I think now is the right time, rather than when they get older, for me to initiate a trial separation.

[Guts42]

I feel your post too!
I'm thinking I need to exit my marriage after just 10 years.
You've described what I deal with to the 't'!

I'd advise against faking it.  Do you know the laws in your state about recording?  In some states only one person in the room has to be aware the conversation is being recorded and that can be the person doing the recording!  If for no other reason than your own mental health, it might be worth recording some of the manipulation covertly.  You can play it back for yourself if/when things seem 'okay' to remind yourself you're not crazy!  I started doing that a few months ago and it helped.

It'd be worth asking your attorney about that- just in case you feel you have anything that could be useful in court.

Best of luck!

[CHChuck]

I feel your post so deeply. It helps me self reflect and be conscious of the patterns.

Although I've established more 'me' in the relationship over the last few months, it is always difficult to make another step into independence. It's as if there's an invisible wall, due to being so in tune regarding her desires and sensivities.

It has taken some time to realise what I want and to have the confidence to recognise that it's OK for me to want!

Now I'm certain that in staying, it will continue to be very hard to create the life I feel I want to make.

My boys and 4 and 2. I think now is the right time, rather than when they get older, for me to initiate a trial separation.

"Establishing more 'me' in the relationship" is such a key! After reflecting on my personal situation, I understand this is what I give up to ensure the safe, peaceful times.

I think a key component in a relationship with an individual with bpd traits is setting those limits so that you can safeguard the "me" inside. Other than control me entirely (imprisoning me in this house with her needs), my wife does not do anything harmful to me or herself. How do I establish some security so that I feel safe establishing those limits? I need to reflect on this a bit.

[CHChuck]

I feel your post too!
I'm thinking I need to exit my marriage after just 10 years.
You've described what I deal with to the 't'!

I'd advise against faking it.  Do you know the laws in your state about recording?  In some states only one person in the room has to be aware the conversation is being recorded and that can be the person doing the recording!  If for no other reason than your own mental health, it might be worth recording some of the manipulation covertly.  You can play it back for yourself if/when things seem 'okay' to remind yourself you're not crazy!  I started doing that a few months ago and it helped.

It'd be worth asking your attorney about that- just in case you feel you have anything that could be useful in court.

Best of luck!

Thank you for this support. I realized last night this site was the place I needed to revisit. I had been told by our therapist and my wife that this won't work if I think about her as having bpd, but, then again, not doing so leads me to these places where my only "choice is to" acquiesce. I put that into quotes because my wife is outraged when I tell her my only choice is to do ... Therefore, I choose not to tell her that fact.

For me, I can cope with most of the characteristics knowing I have the freedom to leave if I need, even if it's for a week or so. With her wealth, we should be able to create some scheme so that I know I will not be living in a cardboard box or my daughter's guest bedroom if I choose one grocery store over another.

At the moment, I don't have that safety.

[ForeverDad]

If for no other reason than your own mental health, it might be worth recording some of the manipulation covertly.  You can play it back for yourself if/when things seem 'okay' to remind yourself you're not crazy!  I started doing that a few months ago and it helped.

It'd be worth asking your attorney about that- just in case you feel you have anything that could be useful in court.

We pride ourselves in being responsible people and following rules to a fault.  It's in our nature.  But laws meant to protect privacy don't always mean we can't protect ourselves.

I recall when my then-spouse was ranting and raging, contemplating a variety of threats to block my parenting.  I recorded to document I wasn't the one aggressively abusing and she wasn't the helpless intimidated victim she would posture as.  As I can better describe it in better words now, I could characterize it as me recording myself and if she happened to get recorded too, well... too bad for her.

A lot of members over the years fretted over recording laws but I don't recall any getting into serious trouble, though a small handful in contested custody cases were ordered not to record their minor children.

In your case, if you have documentation of the unreasonable and continuing control your spouse has had over the family's assets for decades, it might help support a more equitable division.

[CHChuck]

In your case, if you have documentation of the unreasonable and continuing control your spouse has had over the family's assets for decades, it might help support a more equitable division.

I have recorded many of our arguments over the past few years. I remember and recorded her screaming at me for a 40 minute car ride because I did not warn her to go to the bathroom for a play. I had her on tape refusing to stop the car so that I could go to the restroom because I said I wanted to change drivers to give her a break after 5 consecutive hours. Listening to these audios have helped me remember I am not reconstructing the events, did not provoke her actions by some outrageous comment, criticize her the entire time, and so on.

Unfortunately, I have deleted more of these audio recordings than I can remember. After several weeks of peace, I think, "how could anything every go wrong between us." Then, I hear something like, "you are evil at your core" less than 8 minutes (I time the drive) after she tells me she cannot imagine someone caring for another person the way I do her. 

Fortunately some deleted files might be less deleted than I think. Alternatively, they might be stored at some time in my TimeMachine backup. Importantly, on numerous occasions, I have recorded her saying she would be certain I am financially secure if we split.

Moving forward, I will be more careful with the recordings.

note: On many of these occasions, my wife OK'ed my recording. Regardless, I do live in a "one person must approve the recording" state.

[whirlpoollife]

After 30 years of marriage I’m sure there are a lot of marital assets in her wealth. Which means you could be legally entitled to some and alimony.   Are you in an equitable property or community property state?   It would be worth it to have consultations with a few attorneys to go over not only the why for a divorce but the business end too.  She does not need to know that you are talking to attorneys if you do.  Plan carefully.  If you just walk out of the prison , you will get caught and the guard will put you right back in. 
Making the decision to separate yourself from a long term unhealthy marriage is a huge first step !

[CHChuck]

After 30 years of marriage I’m sure there are a lot of marital assets in her wealth. Which means you could be legally entitled to some and alimony.   Are you in an equitable property or community property state?   It would be worth it to have consultations with a few attorneys to go over not only the why for a divorce but the business end too.  She does not need to know that you are talking to attorneys if you do.  Plan carefully.  If you just walk out of the prison , you will get caught and the guard will put you right back in. 
Making the decision to separate yourself from a long term unhealthy marriage is a huge first step !

Thank you for this advice. Her family has controlled much of the wealth, so we spend what we are given each year, but that is increasing dramatically. That said, we have enough combined wealth that I would not be homeless and could get by comfortably with virtually any job. A major challenge is I have put off most of my dreams trying to determine how to prevent her anger. Now, on my own, I don't know I could afford those dreams.

Nearly two weeks out, we are seeing a therapist who seems to know what she is doing. I think we are making some progress, but I am being much more pragmatic this time around. In fact, one of my first goals is to obtain some sort of nuptial agreement while we are both in a calm state.

[ForeverDad]

In many states pre-nups or post-nups require you each to have your own separate attorneys.