Urgent help for Son

[jaclynfaith]

  My 19 year old is miserable and living with a boyfriend who he is fighting with and has no money, car, job or hope right now but has money for pot and vape.  I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells and I am a little confused. It says disengage with the BPD person who is aggressive and acting out.  He really isn't to me but has been disrespectful  to his dad.  He sounds like he wants real change but we have heard that before. He tends to call for help for me to bring him home but then goes back to the boyfriends because he doesn't like my  "no pot in the house" rule.  The boyfriend contacts me and says he is also worried about my son & it is so hard to not go get him at 12:30 AM!  Is it okay to say we will help if he goes to get the proper treatment?  I am scared and don't know what to do.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AnotherMother]

jaclynfaith,
The situation you described in your post sound very similar to what our family has been going through with our 19yo daughter. I have also struggled with drawing that line between "helping" and "enabling" our daughter. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can share my experience and what I have done with you.
Our 19yo daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and has been hospitalized due to threats of harm to herself and suicidal ideation. Her mental health is something that has kept me awake many, many nights! In addition to our 19yo, we also have a 21yo and 11yo daughter who live at home with us. After our 19yo's last hospitalization, my husband and I decided that our daughter could no longer live in our home or use our home as a "back up" plan when things went sideways for her. When she checked out of the hospital, we let her stay with us long enough to find her an apartment in another town with excellent mental health / social services for her. We agreed to help her with rent, food, and basic necessities for six months with the understanding that she would work with mental health services, find a job, and begin working toward her GED. She immediately agreed to this...and not long afterward, she decided she wasn't really partial to doing any of that.
Because I want to be someone who is honest and trustworthy, I knew that I needed to keep my word and stand the decisions we had made. I had to sit down with my daughter and let her know that I respect her right to make adult decisions (even when I don't like them) and that I would not intervene. I also let her know that I meant what I had said about our agreement and that we would no longer be paying for her food, housing, or basic needs. I gave her the phone numbers she would need should she be in a crisis situation and she needed to reach for emergency housing or food. I also let her know that her dad and I had decided to continue providing her cell phone service since it is part of the family plan (unlimited everything - thank goodness!) and we feel communication is an important thing. So, even if she is in an uncomfortable situation, we could offer her love and support while she found her way through it all. Now, she wasn't particularly happy with our choices and I let her know that I wasn't asking her to approve of them, I was asking her to respect our decisions the way we are respecting hers.
One thing I have learned with mental health disorders where impulse control and impaired decision making skills are a factor is this - not allowing someone to learn from the consequences of their actions (good and bad) results in the creation of a helpless human being. I have never, ever felt my daughter is a helpless person and I need to accept that the way she navigates this world will be different from the way I navigate this world. Different - not bad.
I look at it like this: When my daughter was learning to tie her shoes, it was a very slow, frustrating process for both me and her. But, I had to be patient and willing to let her be frustrated and upset if she was ever going to be able to tie her shoes all by herself. If I would have stepped in every single time she struggled to tie her shoes, that kid would still be wearing velcro! Haha

As I said earlier, I can't tell you what you should do for yourself and your family. You're the only one who gets to decide that. But, I do hope that in sharing my experience you found something of use.

Hang in there and keep in touch. I have found nothing but wonderful, supportive people here.

Best,
AnotherMother