Boyfriend's daughter is BPD

[Arisgram]

Hi all,
This is my second go round with this board.  Several years ago, I was married to a man with BPD and this board did a lot to save my life.  I am eternally grateful for all I learned and the support I was given.  Thank you Skip!

I find myself in a relationship with a wonderful man.  He has a 30 year old daughter with BPD, and she is very abusive toward him.  I guess, because I do not have that maternal bond with her, I find myself disliking her more and more.  Thankfully, I don't have to go into all of her behaviors with you, because you are all quite aware!

I try to be honest about my feelings with her father without being hurtful.  He is now just excluding me from all his conversations with her.  Maybe that's good.  Good for me, I guess, but he needs support. 

Should I just keep my anger and resentment to myself, so that he has someone to talk to?  Genuine empathy is not an option here.  I just don't feel it.  She's more than I can take especially since I have issues with my own estranged autistic son and his NPD baby mamma (I detest that term).  Also, I have stage IV breast cancer, and quite literally, life is too short.

Thank you for any advice you can provide.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome and I am so very sorry about your illness. 

Others here have step kids and here are a couple of  links from this forum  that may be food for thought
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346491.0.
and
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302116.0

I am sure other step parents can chime in .

[old97]

Hi Arisgram,

Sort of similar situation: My partner ("Sue") and I are not married but have been together for 10+ years. We also don't live together. Sue's 21 year old daughter ("Jane") has BPD, lives with her mother, and is dreadfully abusive to Sue. She's also teed off on me a few times, but nothing like what she does to Sue.

I was angry and resentful for a LONG time. I felt very protective of Sue and most of my anger was a result of the disrespect and abuse (verbal and emotional) Jane directed towards her. I knew at the time that my reaction was not helpful, so I tried to keep it to myself. It turns out I'm not very good at that - my anger and resentment came out in other ways. It drove a wedge between Sue and myself, and did nothing to help her deal with Jane.

I understand and empathize with your reasoning, and I'm certainly not going to tell you you're wrong. I can tell you that, in my instance at least, seeking to understand and show whatever empathy I can is the only way I can be supportive to Sue. I don't kid myself that my new-found understanding has made one bit of difference with Jane, but my relationship with Sue has recovered and deepened.

Take it for what it's worth, I am no expert. I wish you strength and peace.

[PearlsBefore]

One thing to keep in mind, when you talk about being honest with him about your resentment or frustration with her, is that it's not entirely helpful since you understandably/rightly think of yourself as able to make such judgments based on your past experience (and he has his past experiences which may not align, and are more detailed towards this particular subject)...but also because the parent-child dynamic is quite different from the BPD-spouse dynamic. There are a lot of similarities, but also a lot of differences - and neither of you will fully understand what the other values or has been through in regards to the BPD.

You'll also want to be extra-careful not to project anything onto her, either in her presence or not, that is actually rooted in your own experiences. I've found it a challenge at times, having multiple pwBPDs in my life - because I assume that X's jealous pissiness today must be rooted in the same emotional absences as Y's and Z's...but that's not always true ("YES IT IS, ALL BPDS ARE THE SAME!" screams an inner voice). It can often be difficult to tell where personality disorder ends and personality begins - some of these people aren't acting insecure, depressed or conniving today because of BPD but just because that's who they are.

Best of luck, it's a hard road - but it sounds like you're better prepared for it than most. But if your partner isn't appreciating your insights on BPD, it might be best to lay off on them and just focus on the things on which you do agree and both cherish. Remember, it could be worse - she could still be living with him. (My apologies if she is still living with him, in this case substitute the phrase "It could be worse, his ex could still be living there as well"). Ultimately, he managed his feelings about her before you were there - if he wants to, then he'll manage to bottle them up inside even now. Don't worry too much about talking about her, chances are he'll welcome some distractions.