Anyone available to listen... struggling tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I would suggest buying a copy of "The Body Keeps The Score". Not light reading, but very insightful about childhood and other trauma.

I can't say enough about this book if you have emotional memory or body-based trauma.

It helps explain the 11/10 type reactions and some of the potential therapies that can help heal.

[livednlearned]

I would suggest buying a copy of "The Body Keeps The Score". Not light reading, but very insightful about childhood and other trauma.

I can't say enough about this book if you have emotional memory or body-based trauma.

It helps explain the 11/10 type reactions and some of the potential therapies that can help heal.

[ForeverDad]

I made the suggestion to ask a professional whether that med might help your situational events not feel so overwhelming or devastating.  I mean, take the edge off the fear or whatever you're feeling.

Looking back over my years of commenting, I've often wondered whether it would help treating many with PDs too, I know mine seemed to relive traumas over and over.  She never seemed to really forgive and let go, she would demand apologies for the same things, over and over too.

[legalboxers]

Thank you, I'm still here and made it through today. I'm sitting alone outside in the truck, I guess that's self care, . If I write much more I think I'll cry so I'll save the long stuff for Sunday night or Monday when the kids are gone.

It's been mostly fine today. We'll see how sd12 does tonight. If you hear from me again tonight it will probably be if she loses it again.

Thank you all for being here for me.

You got this! *hugs*

[kells76]

I called my older sister the other night, asking her if she remembers anything from when I was a baby (around when my mom's mom died). I shared that I've been dealing with panic attack type stuff and am trying to figure myself out. She is usually pretty closed off at family functions but she was pretty open with me on the phone. She has had some memories that have led her to believe that she was also molested by my mom's dad, who molested my mom. I didn't know that about my sister.
My sister feels a lot of anger towards my parents because she had a conversation with them in the last year or two about our family dynamics, and she felt really shut down by them. I suspect my mom would feel overwhelming guilt and shame if she faced what happened to my sister. My dad tends to enable and protect my mom.
I'm not sure what I expected from the phone call... I did feel heard and supported and cared about by my sister. It's just a lot to learn. I feel for her, and feel sad for us when we were young. I definitely haven't processed what she shared with me.
I guess when it rains it pours.

[formflier]

I had this conversation with D23 (who is a mini-me when it comes to thinking and feelings) just a couple nights ago.

And before I forget, let's just say that there are times with FFw's frustrations with me are "valid" (how is that for being polite and easy with me...    )   Sometimes when I need to break some tension I'll say something like "It can be easy to have to raise me and be married to me at the same time" (lots of her "discussions" with D23 sometimes sound like FFw and me)

Anyway...so lots of my discussions with D23 are like the 50 year old me talking to my 20 year old self and me trying to think what I should say and what I would have actually listened to when I was in my 20s.   So...D23 and I like to "figure things out"...to a very small degree of detail. (and usually we can)

One of the things I'm still not too good at and I was encouraging D23..is that there are times when you try to figure relationship stuff out and it just can't be done, and we get frustrated (again to be polite).

Well...from time to time I'm good at just saying "that sucks...that shouldn't have happened..I don't know why that happened (and probably never will)...but I need to care for myself right now, rather than continue to try to figure it out"

Kells76  I'm not suggesting you are at that point yet, but I am encouraging you to keep that in mind and "take it slow".  Remember this stuff is all in your past...so there is no rush.  You can take time off from "figuring it out"..."it" will still be there.

Note:  I'm glad you have some in your family that seem open with their point of view.  Being shut down or having loved ones being "closed off" just sucks.

Also remember...your point of view doesn't have to match any of those people.

We think the world of you here at BPDfamily!  You always seems to be there for others..

Remember...

We are here for you!  

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

Gosh Kells- when it rains it floods.

Molestation is a huge family "secret" and the shame involved is tremendous. But it's a huge step on your sister's part to bring that into the light. I personally think protecting a family secret - whatever that is- is a source of dysfunction and shame and change begins with shedding light on it.

My mother's FOO is very protective of her and acting as if my mother is just fine is a family pattern. We were not allowed to discuss her behavior at all. Her FOO is very protective of her. I don't know if they even know why as it's a pattern in their family.

Take care of yourself. This is huge. It didn't have to happen to you to create issues. Shame and secrecy on their own are difficult in families.

[ForeverDad]

FOO does have a significant impact.  I recall a few things my ex told me about her M & SF's patterns.  After I came here I suspect theirs lasted so long because it was a NPD/BPD relationship that fed off each other.

• SF said if she told anyone then she would be the one in trouble.
• SF said if she didn't let him do it then he would do it to her sister.
• She and her sis never revealed this to each other until grown.
• Mother didn't want to lose SF financial support so she told her minor girls (boys lived with F, how convenient) if they did anything with her H then they'd be kicked out.

This was extreme, my FOO didn't come close to that but, then again, my Sis says she was the Rememberer and I was the Forgetter, so who knows, maybe that's why I'm still here 15+ years later.  Your family dysfunction was probably less for all we know but still could have had an impact.