Ex Moved Out of State Co-Parenting Issue

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hello, it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been divorced from my uBPD/NPD ex for about 5 years now. We have 2 kids who are 9 and 16 years old. The current parenting plan is 50/50. He moved out of state about 6 months ago. Not even a border state. He's now several states away. Per our state statue, he is supposed to file a motion with the court to get the parenting plan changed. He refused and left it up to me (he actually wrote that). He wanted the kids to go back and forth every few months and I refused believing it's not good for the kids and not really do-able. So I sucked it up and contacted my attorney and got the ball rolling on getting a new parenting plan proposed and filing a motion. She and I wrote up a proposed changed parenting plan based on what he and I had started to discuss. So now all of that is between his attorney and mine. Meanwhile, I'm now having to adjust to having the kids full time and helping them with questions about their dad leaving. Before he moved, he dropped off ALL of their belongings with me saying they wouldn't need it until summer. It didn't really seem to phase them which surprised me a bit. He hasn't seen them in six months now. He talks to them via smart phone and such here and there.

Recently, I cancelled my teen's upcoming dental appointment because it was still with a children's dentist and she wants to see an adult dentist now which I'm fine with. The day I cancelled her appointment, I got a nasty message from my ex basically asking me why I didn't tell him I changed her dentist. I hadn't even contacted the new dentist yet! I surmised that he must still be getting text messages from the dentist's office and probably asked our teen about it. So now he's been extremely nasty about me withholding information from him. Not just angry. Full blown tantrums with belittling insults and comments. Reminds me of narcissistic rage. I understand he has a right to her dental information which I planned to share once I had it figured out. However, why does it matter if I switch her dentist and didn't "ask his permission" beforehand? He's in another state and is unable to take her to any appointments. The insurance and billing is in my name. I feel completely annoyed but not surprised. When the prior dentist recommended braces, I contacted him about it since I felt he had a right to help make that decision. That went fine. Changing her dentist doesn't seem to fall into that category with him being out of state. I'm just not sure how to handle this now that he's in another state. It feels like he's trying to insert himself in the day-to-day stuff and it's very annoying.  Thoughts are appreciated.

[khibomsis]

I Am, congratulations on having made it this far! You have done so well.
Sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex.
I think you will receive a better response to your concerns on the Conflicted board, the people there have vast experience on custody issues and will provide much better advice than I can. So I would advise you to post there.
 

[ForeverDad]

You're bound to get some off-the-wall rants and overreactions.  Don't let it fluster you.

As for the proposed change of the parenting schedule, this is my input:  Don't try to be overly fair, that could end up being self-sabotaging.  There's no way he will get more than some time in summer and some of the longer school vacations.  Besides, who will provide transportation or cover the cost of travel?

Also, with him now a remote parent, there's no way he can keep 50/50 parenting time.  Let the county's calculations decide how much his child support changes, though I'm sure he's likely to challenge that.  Still, let the calculations stand or let the court decide.

Have you discussed with your lawyer that you should try for Decision Making or Tie Breaker status, if your state allows that concept?  With him now remote then any "equal status" decision contested would mean you'd have to wait for a court or mediator to rule on it.  With DM or TB then you could inform/notify and then proceed, and the worst he could do would be to challenge it afterward.

[worriedStepmom]

Sounds like he wants to feel like a good parent, and the easiest way to do that is to complain about your parenting decisions / want to be involved in minutiae.  Much harder to actually parent.

It's okay to ignore those kinds of rants.  Explain once - "She needed a dentist for adults.  I will let you know when I choose a new one." and then don't respond to the rest.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Thank you khibomsis, ForeverDad, worriedStepmom! What you all said makes sense and helps. Once I told him she needed an adult dentist and pretty much left it at that, he seemed to understand and seemed fine after that. He says he just wants to be involved which I can understand. I would have thought I'd be used to his off the wall rants by now but I guess it still catches me off guard once in a while. In talking with my therapist about it, she says it seems he's having trouble with control. That makes sense too. He is a very controlling person which was one of the reasons I divorced him. So I can see how he'd try to keep in control of what goes on with the kids (and me to a point) even with him being so far away now. I "just" need to keep grey rocking it and enforce my boundaries.  

I made a note to ask my attorney about the tie breaker status. I need to meet with her soon anyway because he now wants to see if we can get an updated parenting plan in place before summer so he can see the kids this summer or at least an agreement of sorts. I'm trying to not be overly fair and can see how I may be going down that path. I want it to be fair-ish and want what is best for the kids. It is hard at times especially when he behaves like a bully to try to get his way. That type of behavior makes me less inclined to be nice or fair.

Thank you all again.