First post

[goldpolkadots]

Hi, this is my first post. My wife and I have been married over 5 years. We have a 2.5 year old son together, who we went through 2 years of fertility treatments to have. She cheated on me while we were pregnant and essentially explained it by saying that she wasn't ready to become a parent and I pushed her into it. We went through a lot of couple's counseling, and I thought things were moving forward positively. She decided in 2019 that she really wanted us to move to Vietnam for a year (she is from Vietnam originally), and although I was nervous about it, I was excited about going on an adventure as a family. We moved to Vietnam in late February 2020 - right before Covid hit the US. Because of the pandemic, we were essentially stuck there - Vietnam closed its borders, so we couldn't return if we left the country. And none of our family could visit either. We made the best of it and were actually having a rather nice time. Vietnam has mostly controlled the virus, so we were able to travel domestically, go out to eat, send our son to daycare, etc. Our marriage was far from perfect but we were getting along pretty well and enjoying ourselves.

In September, after our 5 year anniversary, everything suddenly changed. She decided she wanted to start working (teaching English) part-time, and I supported that because she seemed restless. Around the time she actually got the job, she started acting differently - going out late with new friends, not calling to say when she was going to come home, getting really drunk. And then one night I tracked her phone to see if she was on her way home yet since she wasn't answering my texts, and I saw that she was in a completely different place than she said she was going to be. When I confronted her, she confessed that she had met a girl from her gym the week before and had gone out with her that night. She essentially told me that we could either get divorced or I could let her date this other girl.

Long story short, we ended up separating. She got her own place and has continued dating this girl. She was telling her that she loved her within a few weeks and talking about sponsoring her visa within a couple months. I had our son with me. She became a glorified babysitter because she couldn't handle him on her own overnight. She would come over on her nights off and watch him for a couple hours so I could go out to dinner or drinks. But that was it. She told me that she didn't want to come back to the States because she would resent him. I got a therapist. She told me to read up on BPD, and while my wife has never been diagnosed, it's the only thing that has ever made sense. Suddenly, I could almost understand what was going on.

I went back to the States with our son at the end of January. She acted sad about it but didn't put up a fight at all. I have gone back to work at my old job and have childcare help from my mom until my son starts daycare in April. My wife Facetimes with him (never on time and sometimes drunk). She has sent me some rage texts when things set her off, but there's not much she can do from Vietnam. It's still very upsetting when it happens though.

I filed for divorce on Friday. My lawyer is trying to get her to agree to waive service because if she won't it could be a very long process. Ultimately, I would like full custody and sole decision-making over our son. I know this is going to probably be an issue for her, but I feel like this is a necessity given how erratic her behavior has been. She does not seem capable of caring for herself at this point, let alone a toddler. But I can't help feeling icky about the whole thing. I never saw myself being in this situation. I never would have predicted she would abandon her son this way.

I'm honestly just looking for advice, thoughts, etc. It'd be nice to know that others understand what it's like.

[PearlsBefore]

 

Welcome to BPDFamilies, glad to meet you, sorry you're here...

It sounds like she might have what ICD-countries call Haltlose personality disorder more strongly than BPD, but there's some huge overlap between the two and this forum is definitely built for both.

Don't know about your specific state, but most jurisdictions will let you "substitute" proper service by sending them the files by email and getting some email/text back from them confirming they received it. You then make a simple paper motion to have a judge give your case 5 minutes to determine if it's acceptable given the circumstances (commonly used when your ex is deliberately avoiding divorce).

Given her mental status, I'd say to not give any more thought or worry to the fact she's "never on time" - just consider the Facetimes to be a spontaneous thing that may or may not happen on any given day; don't let yourself or your son think of it as her "missing" today or being "late". It'll just be easier for everyone's mental health.

Presumably she could come back to the United States whenever her lesbian relationship goes sour, and then make a claim for 50/50 or full custody of the child - so you might be wise to get something semi-official in writing from her or a Vietnamese lawyer confirming that you are the primary caregiver to the child and she does not intend to seek more than visits, etc. (But of course you should be open to the idea of her having more access than she has now, if she desires it since it might be that flicker of maternal instinct).

On decision-making, if you're going to ask for sole rights then be sure to at least include the language that you will make efforts to "consult" her in advance of any major decisions and will keep her updated of any major changes in his life, etc.

[ForeverDad]

The longer you are the primary caregiver, the better for you.  History of parenting means a lot to the courts.  It would be helpful for you since, as a father, you may not get the same default preference a mother often gets.

As the stable parent there is nothing wrong for you to seek the authority as primary parent.  That is overall a good thing for your child.

Be sure you've got documentation that she has opted out of much of her parenting, that you're not blocking or obstructing her in a nasty way.  By that I mean you need to beware of feeling you have to be super-fair.  As long as you behave decently, you have a right to seek to continue your primary status and not feel you have to abdicate to her should she decide to become an involved mother.

I mention this because we here often got ourselves into our problems by being Nice Guys or Nice Gals.  We can - and should - still be that but always remember that our kids come first and the sad fact is that our stability and care should not be minimized, and especially not by we ourselves.  So don't sabotage yourself, your parenting and your child due to Nice Guy inclinations.

[goldpolkadots]

Just to be clear - I’m a woman as well. And I’ve always been the primary caregiver. I also carried our son (although we used her egg to create him). Sorry if that wasn’t clear. She has a history of refusing to participate in decision making and then being super resentful about it later. Our son being one big example. She’s definitely going to balk at me having sole decision making even though she would not ever participate in making those decisions. She is triggered by it being written in a parenting plan. But I know that if I give her joint, based on our history, I’ll make a decision at some point and she’ll come along a year later and throw a fit about it even though she didn’t care at the time.

She has suggested that me returning to the US is somehow “taking her son away from her” and that I’m trying to make it difficult for her to communicate with her because I’ve asked for her to stick to a schedule for Facetimes (or at least text me ahead of time if something changes). The time difference is 12-13 hours, so she’s calling when I’m trying to work from home while wrangling a toddler. But mostly she’s not interested in the parenting side of the divorce. She just wants to get her “fair share” of the money. I can throw money at her if that’s what it takes, but it always feels like a moving target.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello, and welcome. 

I mention this because we here often got ourselves into our problems by being Nice Guys or Nice Gals.  We can - and should - still be that but always remember that our kids come first and the sad fact is that our stability and care should not be minimized, and especially not by we ourselves.  So don't sabotage yourself, your parenting and your child due to Nice Guy inclinations.

I agree with FD on this.  It's good advice.  Suggest you make decisions based on what is best for your child at this point.  From your description, it seems like you have a good case to get full custody with limited supervised facetime visitation.  Don't be guilted into accepting something less.  Consider starting with the most restrictive visitation limits, with relaxation criteria clearly spelled out in writing for documented improvement in behaviors.  As Bill Eddy says in his book "Splitting", be assertive.
The courts like to see who is the parent willing to compromise and solve problems.  Also, it's much easier to ease up on restrictive visitation limits that it is to go back to court and tighten up later on.  Good luck.  CoMo

[livednlearned]

My wife Facetimes with him (never on time and sometimes drunk). She has sent me some rage texts when things set her off, but there's not much she can do from Vietnam. It's still very upsetting when it happens though

That is upsetting, and I'm sorry you have to experience this. The combination of BPD and alcohol is really rough and makes a bad thing so much worse. Any thoughts on what is setting her off when she rage texts? Maybe we can walk alongside you and brainstorm different ways to manage this.

My lawyer is trying to get her to agree to waive service because if she won't it could be a very long process.

I would expect this to be a long process. Stonewalling and obstruction is a cherished tactic for a lot of BPD parents, unfortunately.

When your L says "long process," any estimates on how long, and what is entailed?