Daughter wants no contact

[Parents! Get help here!]

Our 26 year old married daughter, Camille, is a beautiful, engaging, hard working and highly driven individual. She has had emotional dysregulation since infancy and difficult social relationships.  She and I were very close.  Early on, father daughter relationship was volatile, then sister sister relationship also deteriorated.  Our family life was active, nurturing but high conflict within and from maternal extended family (many with personality disorder behaviors).

In her first year of college, Camille began engaging in high risk behaviors, while becoming increasingly distanced from us. Immediately after leaving two year abusive relationship, Camille started dating and became engaged to  college mate Jeremy.  They were married a year out of college. She has settled into her third job following two rocky periods of employment.

Camille has been in therapy (at least 3 different providers) since college, but has refused family therapy. I sought therapy for myself and hoped for family therapy (at this point Camille mistrusted me and blamed me for her problems, but she had become trusting and friendly with her father, to a lesser degree with her sister).  It was this therapist who suggested Camille seemed to exhibit BPD behaviors. 

Sadly, three years down the road, our (father, mother, and sister) relationship with Camille has slowly deteriorated to nonexistent for the last six months.  She refuses family therapy and does not want any contact.  Nearly all communication and contact in the past five years have been negative or disastrous, sometimes immediately, at other times, in follow up interactions. 

When we were together, her verbal and nonverbal communication is quietly angry and rejecting; if others were present, her negative nonverbal behavior toward us highly contrasted the loving, warm and inclusive behavior she provided others.

We had been continuing to send cards and gifts as per usual family custom, also limited holiday texts.  Camille has said for the past two years she did not want to talk or text or be with us. At Christmas, she told us “no contact”.

How do we stay connected, keep the door open?

[Avery Allen]

Our 26 year old married daughter, Camille, is a beautiful, engaging, hard working and highly driven individual. She has had emotional dysregulation since infancy and difficult social relationships.  She and I were very close.  Early on, father daughter relationship was volatile, then sister sister relationship also deteriorated.  Our family life was active, nurturing but high conflict within and from maternal extended family (many with personality disorder behaviors).

In her first year of college, Camille began engaging in high risk behaviors, while becoming increasingly distanced from us. Immediately after leaving two year abusive relationship, Camille started dating and became engaged to  college mate Jeremy.  They were married a year out of college. She has settled into her third job following two rocky periods of employment.

Camille has been in therapy (at least 3 different providers) since college, but has refused family therapy. I sought therapy for myself and hoped for family therapy (at this point Camille mistrusted me and blamed me for her problems, but she had become trusting and friendly with her father, to a lesser degree with her sister).  It was this therapist who suggested Camille seemed to exhibit BPD behaviors. 

Sadly, three years down the road, our (father, mother, and sister) relationship with Camille has slowly deteriorated to nonexistent for the last six months.  She refuses family therapy and does not want any contact.  Nearly all communication and contact in the past five years have been negative or disastrous, sometimes immediately, at other times, in follow up interactions. 

When we were together, her verbal and nonverbal communication is quietly angry and rejecting; if others were present, her negative nonverbal behavior toward us highly contrasted the loving, warm and inclusive behavior she provided others.

We had been continuing to send cards and gifts as per usual family custom, also limited holiday texts.  Camille has said for the past two years she did not want to talk or text or be with us. At Christmas, she told us “no contact”.

How do we stay connected, keep the door open?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[zachira]

I join you in your sadness about your daughter going NC with you. I too have many family members both in the immediate and extended families who have been extremely emotionally volatile since early childhood and who blame others for their dysregulated emotions. I would let your daughter know that you will honor her request for no contact while letting her know you love her and welcome her to resume contact if she ever decides she would like to do so.

[normal person]

I have a similar issue. I don't know when this no contact behaviour will end. I somewhat stopped trying to even contact her. I hear from others what she is up to. No one in my family even sees the issue with it, which is strange too.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm in a similar situation, though it hasn't been nearly as long. It's painful.

I echo Zachira's response - the best you can do is respect her wishes, ensuring that you've communicated clearly that you love her and the door is always open.

Continue to take care of yourself. I know this has taken a toll on me. We will get through this.

[Avery Allen]

Thank you for your replies. Your support and suggestions are appreciated.  I wish you strength as you hang in there, as well.