Both daughters...

[beffie1963]

Hi, all. This is gonna be long but if you stick around and read some of my story I’ll be grateful. I have 2 daughters with BPD. I legitimately was not a good mom. I was distracted, selfish, not present, angry. I didn’t really want to be a mother. Like a lot of women I just felt like having kids was what you were supposed to do. I didn’t have the presence of mind to make the decision to have kids. I understand that and am fully accountable for my poor judgment and ignorance.. I have been mentally ill since early childhood with chronic/long term anxiety and depression. I’m 58 now and my daughters are in their early thirties, the 35 year old has a 12 year old daughter with who I have had a very spotty relationship due to her mom cutting contact with me intermittently. The 33 year old has a 3 year old son and I see the same thing starting to happen. He is starting to act differently around me and I am sure it’s because his mother tells him I’m not a good person. Both daughters talk about me very negatively in front of pretty much anyone. Both daughters are enraged with me most of the time. Most of the time I have no idea what I have done to enrage them. It’s just generalized rage that I exist in this world. I no longer enjoy being with them or talking to them. I’m unable to truly enjoy my grandchildren because of the constant conflict. I’m never relaxed and comfortable when they are around. I’m also pretty sure they can tell that I just don’t really like them at all any more. It has gotten to the point I am ready to cut contact with both because my life is more peaceful without them in it. I feel ashamed that I’m saying that. I never thought I would ever think or say that. This means I definitely won’t have contact with my 3 year old grandson. Which is sad because we are his only grandparents. His father terminated his parental rights before he was a year old and those grandparents have not pursued a relationship with him. I know he loves me & my husband to the moon and it would break his heart too if we cut contact. We typically see him & his mom at least 4 days a week. They lived with us the first year of his life. I don’t want him to think we abandoned him but his mom will likely tell him that we did. This morning I blocked both daughters on phone, text and email. The horrible things they say have had a horrific impact on my mental health. I want to mention that I am in therapy and so is my husband. I committed to being the best mom & grandmother I can be about 15 years ago and have taken action on that ever since. I am a good mom now. I am a good grandparent. I am a good human being. Why do I feel like scum whenever I talk to or see my daughters? This is so hard but I’m tired of being insulted and abused almost every single day! I have less time in front of me than I do behind me. I want to live in peace and literally the only people who bring conflict and hostility to my life are my children. We have a family therapy appointment on Monday. I’m interested to see how that goes. .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I am very glad that you have come to this site. Reading others' posts can help you feel less alone in dealing with the way BPD affects people. At the moment I am in lockdown in my room doing various jobs using my laptop because bpd d is truly off the show - screaming abuse whenever she comes out of her room.

Things are better in that she just screams abuse and slams her bedroom door - hasn't punched a hole in the wall in quite a while now.

The other positive is that you are both getting some help to deal with a really, really difficult situation.

It sounds as though you are setting boundaries eg blocking the abusive texts etc. I am wondering if there is some way of restructuring the contact you have with your younger daughter and your little grandson that is not a cutting off all together?

You see them four days a week - so that tells me your daughter needs to connect with you quite a lot. Does she have others in her life or things that she could do.  Perhaps she could get some part time work while you care for the child? Part time study?

Without more details it's hard to envisage what the possibilities actually are, but I think it is worthwhile looking at a full range of possibilities before cutting off completely.

In the past I have that the best way I can support a young mum is to offer to have the child one night per week, every week - so that she had the opportunity to do things for herself, catch up with sleep, rest etc. One young mum ended up with a uni degree (she had been heroin addict and with BPD).

It is just an example of some type of targeted support that might open up some possibilities for your daughter to expand her world a little.

[PearlsBefore]

I definitely read the whole thing, and while it's great that you have the self-awareness and humility to realise your own role - it's also true that quite a few of the parents here were the same as you were during your parenting years (and didn't really want kids, they just sort of happened...or more commonly it seems, their partner wanted the kids)...they just aren't willing to admit it to themselves yet.

Unfortunately you're probably right that your daughter will tell your grandson that "Grandma doesn't want to talk to us anymore, she's being selfish" - but keep in mind that in a few years when he's older you might be able to re-introduce yourself into his life with less interference from his mother. Ethicists may be divided, but there's no denying some people turn to "Hey honey, sorry we haven't spoken in so long - but I won a raffle for a weekend in a Vegas hotel with a $200 Southwest flight and $200 in casino tokens and I'm not going to use it and thought I'd offer it to you...why YES, I COULD babysit little Derek for the weekend".

[Sancho]

Just reading over your post again Beffie1963.

When we look back we all can see things that we would have done differently - but as the saying says 'hindsight is a wonderful thing'.

You can look at your life and see the changes that have happened - which is what life is about, being different now to who we were 20 or 30 years ago.

Whenever I start to think of how I could have done things differently, I stop and think that I did the best I could with who I was at the time.

This thinking has sort of set me free, so that when BPD d says the most belittling or foul things to me or about me, I am briefly shocked and hurt but it does not rock my inner self like it used to. I understand what comes out of her mouth comes from a brain that is not functioning properly.

You can appreciate who you have become - and all the effort you put in to bring this about.