Isolated child age 43

[Parents! Get help here!]

I just recently learned through therapy and years of stress with my youngest daughter that she has every symptom of BPD. She is also a rape victim 22 years ago.
I am 68 and her present trauma was being furloughed during pandemic. She was very successful and this was her identity. Once this was lost she went into worst downward spiral yet.

She has isolated herself from our family, including her father, her sister and me. However on my birthday she sent beautiful flowers. I have read so many books and she fits this disorder perfectly. Looking back, I can see she had these traits as a child but we had no understanding.

My questions are will she ever communicate? Will we ever see her again? Should I tell her about this disorder in a loving calm way?  I am at a loss. I asked therapist and she said I could tell her but it probably won’t go well.

Just want to know how to save myself and help her at the same time. I have apologized for anything I may have said that disappointed her and that I will never leave her and love her forever. My husband is able to walk away. I cannot. However I have such anxiety over this every day of my life.
Thank you for reading this.

[Azcindymil]

I just recently learned through therapy and years of stress with my youngest daughter that she has every symptom of BPD. She is also a rape victim 22 years ago.
I am 68 and her present trauma was being furloughed during pandemic. She was very successful and this was her identity. Once this was lost she went into worst downward spiral yet.

She has isolated herself from our family, including her father, her sister and me. However on my birthday she sent beautiful flowers. I have read so many books and she fits this disorder perfectly. Looking back, I can see she had these traits as a child but we had no understanding.

My questions are will she ever communicate? Will we ever see her again? Should I tell her about this disorder in a loving calm way?  I am at a loss. I asked therapist and she said I could tell her but it probably won’t go well.

Just want to know how to save myself and help her at the same time. I have apologized for anything I may have said that disappointed her and that I will never leave her and love her forever. My husband is able to walk away. I cannot. However I have such anxiety over this every day of my life.
Thank you for reading this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Yes I agree the pandemic has caused great difficulty especially for our BPD loved ones.

I do think that the fact your daughter sent flowers on your birthday is a sign that she has not totally cut off from you - she must have had you in her mind to do this.

I have had to go on a long journey myself to have the anxiety that I lived with for years lessened and - for some moments in time at least - solved. For years my sleep was affected and all my waking hours were focused on my BPD d - was she safe, what could I do to help, what would happen if. . . . . .  .

My journey began by realising that the intense emotion felt by the BPD person can so easily draw the other person into co-dependence. The anxiety didn't lessen if she was not living with me - I was still anxious about how she was going, waiting for the next drama or crisis that would inevitably occur.

The next thing that helped me was a sort of poem put out by a group formed to help the relatives and friends of the mentally ill. It was called 'Letting Go'.

It was a serious of statements such as 'I cannot do it for someone else'.
"Letting go means to care about, not care for'.

I read these over and over again. And when I felt most anxious, I read them more often even.

Gradually I did manage to 'get go'. Yes there are still many, many moments when I find myself thinking about 'what if' . . . . etc. And still the lines from 'Letting go' come back to me.

BPD people's lives are often chaotic, they are often at risk. We want so much to help them, but this is just out of our control.

You have done well with your daughter - it sounds as though up till the pandemic she was working and enjoying her work. Not many of us can say that.

I am sure your daughter will make contact again in her own way, own time. In the meantime, this is your chance to focus on yourself, letting go of your anxiety etc.

The final line of the poem 'Letting go' is:

Letting go is to fear less and to love more.