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Author Topic: Can't watch porn after breakup  (Read 5039 times)
crunchtime

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« on: October 27, 2019, 06:54:07 PM »

My ex used to tell me that porn was cheating. And that by using porn, I was hurting her. This was a major reason for the relationship failing. In the relationship, my withdrawing and using porn did not seem to bother me much. I was in major distress but I had no issue having private time to masturbate. But now, months after breaking up, I find myself having a "Clockwork Orange" reaction to porn and masturbation.

I now become nauseous and panicked at the idea of using porn to masturbate. Or fantasies of anyone other than my ex. Or the idea of actually having sex with anyone else. I'm having the same reaction to porn now that my ex did while we were together: disgust, nausea. The whole relationship, I was shamed/guilted for masturbating at all. Now I associate masturbation with her rejection/abandonment of me, and everything is painful.

I will want to masturbate just to relieve stress, and now I find myself nauseous and panicked at the idea. The only "appropriate" thing I can masturbate to are memories of my ex, which leaves me feeling depressed and devastated because she is no longer in love with me. It was like a switch flipped and she might as well have never been in love with me at all. So clearly masturbating to fantasies of or memories of her is extremely upsetting to me, leaving me feeling awful, but if I try anything else, or imagine having sex with anyone else, I immediately experience extreme nausea and panic and simply cannot do it.

I've been in a horrible wake of missing my ex and wanting her back and feeling completely sexually possessed by her. The worst part is I am fairly certain she is out sleeping with other men, and could not care less about any negative effects she had on me, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces on my own. When I told her I was messed up about our relationship ending she just said a terse, "Well that's not my ****ing problem. Figure it out on your own." Complete flip.

But I haven't read anything quite like this before, about having problems specifically with porn and masturbation after a breakup. Is it possible we adopt traits of our partners after the fact? Because it's what it feels like. I feel I am having the same reaction to porn/masturbation that my ex had when we were together. It feels like a very cruel twist of fate and because I was blamed for everything, I feel like it's a fate I deserve and this is some kind of karmic justice for the abuse I put her through.

Can anyone help me straighten my mind. I feel like I am going insane. Thank you.
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #1 on: October 27, 2019, 07:53:41 PM »

Hello crunchtime.

I'm sorry for your suffering.

My exBPDgf replaced me for another man. She always said she was not dating anyone and i discovered because she was on a r/s status on Facebook. 3 weeks later, she returned, saying she loved me, she missed me so much, crying in my arms, etc. two days later, she was dating another guy, and was with me at the same time. 3 weeks later she was on another r/s status on facebook and i discovered again, on facebook. And she continued with her lies till the very end.

Even so, a month later i dreamed that i was sleeping in my bed, my exBPDgf was sleeping in another bedroom, and in the third bedroom, there was another woman, blond, very beautiful. The blond woman went to me, and i refused her. I sent her away. Then, i went to my ex, i hold her tight and i I lay down beside her. This means that, even a month after the break up, the replacement, the lies, etc. i was still loyal to her.

There are several things that i was afraid when i was with her. writing here was one of them. And still today, i have reactions of fear, even almost 2 months after the breakup, even knowing that she is not here anymore. I was heavily conditioned.

Your reaction It's perfectly normal. I don't know of any cases directly related to porn and masturbation but that's a variant of the same common cause.

I think you associated feelings of guilt of losing your exgf, with masturbating and porn, because you were conditioned to that, as i was in several other circumstances.

It seems to me that you are suffering of PTSD.

Have you consider being in therapy ?
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crunchtime

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« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2019, 08:18:55 PM »

I'm sorry for your situation as well. I appreciate the empathy and the response deeply. I may rearrange my therapy to go to weekly from bi-weekly, as I think I need it.

I get the loyalty thing. She was my first and only. A year after we've broken up, I still haven't been with another woman, and it kills me to know that the fact that she was my first and still is my only doesn't mean anything to her at all...it means less than nothing to her. Crushes me. I felt like what we had was special and to think of her out sleeping with other men while I'm holding a candle for her, still in love with her, having been waiting here patiently for her to come back, feeling like I made so many mistakes and if I just had another chance it would be okay...

...it's true hell. What makes it harder is moments of intimacy/closeness that just add to the confusion and make me think she's still in love with me.

It's the pits. Absolutely. I appreciate the response and the empathy. So sorry to hear about your situation as well. It seems there's more than enough pain in these kinda relationships to go around for everyone. Hang in there and I'll do my best to do the same. Coping with this absolute heartache has been just brutal.
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« Reply #3 on: October 28, 2019, 01:00:27 AM »

its a hard place to be in man, i feel you.

many years ago, when i was coming out of a relationship, a friend advised me to avoid thinking of my ex that way. i think in the short term, thats good advice. generally speaking, you want to think of her less, get her out of your day to day life, detach. change it up.

know that a lot of this will eventually pass. i think that for a lot of us, coming out of our relationships, theres that walking on eggshells feeling pertaining to a lot of things. personally, i did a lot of the things i was nervous about doing during my relationship. i was nervous about talking to female friends. so i did a lot of talking to female friends. not necessarily flirting, or looking for a relationship, or anything like that. just desensitizing, breaking the sensitivity around the feelings. its sort of like if theres a particular place youre hesitant to go to; you know youre more detached the sooner youre able to go there, and keep cool. i dont want to necessarily say anything goes as a means of coping. masturbation can be as unhealthy or dysfunctional means of coping as anything else, and it sounds like you may well be using it that way; dont ignore that. but eventually, you will lose that knee jerk reaction thats stuck in your head, of your ex scolding you. and thats part of detaching.

this may seem a bit backwards, but there will be a time when you can fantasize about your ex and it wont bring you pain. im nearly nine years out, and i think about my ex sometimes, and why not? we had some hot times together. but i had to emotionally detach a bit from them first.

Excerpt
Is it possible we adopt traits of our partners after the fact?

mental illness, and personality traits are not contagious. you cant "catch" them. this is a struggle you are facing in your detaching process. id hardly say its unheard of. its one youre going to need to work through, emotionally. it can be done.
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #4 on: October 28, 2019, 09:14:39 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Dear crunchtime,

Thought I'd weigh in...as a woman.  I'm not really going to address masturbation or porn, as it is not my place, but I agree with others that your struggles with this will pass in time.  We naturally go back to what has "turned us on" in the past, because it is familiar and it works, but in this case, because of the associations with your ex's disapproval, those fantasies and "turn ons" have become tainted.  Whether you enjoy porn going forward is your business, but I do think that as you emotionally detach bit by bit, those things you have enjoyed doing will be possible to do again.  Give yourself a little compassion and time in the process.  As hard as it is to believe at times, our exes are not the source of our happiness and we will be healthier without them in our lives.  Good luck to you!
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BrokenSpokane
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« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2019, 10:44:59 AM »

Thank you for sharing. Although I can't relate to specifics of your sex/porn situation (we actually made porn together and we were very adventurous with sex with ourselves, others and online), however I can relate to the ex out there sleeping with others. A week after we broke up, she was on POF looking for casual hook ups (a friend showed me). It's hurtful, for we spent over 4 years together, marriage ceremony, bought a house together, everything. So it seemed like it was all for nothing and all she wanted was the security of a home. I do relate in having things remind me of her. I went to the hardware store soon after the break up. The same hardware store I spent a lot of time buying things to fix up her house to sell so we could buy our own. Well, I started crying. I remembered all the times I went there to buy paint and supplies. It happens. But I cried it out and when I went there this weekend, I was fine.

But you said that it's fate because you were blamed for everything. Remember, it's not your fault. Don't accept that blame. I know it's hard, I still struggle with that in my heart. My head knows, but my heart still wants her back... The T (her name) that she was before we moved in together. I fantasize about that. But, I snap out of it when I remember that was only part of her. I got to see the real her when we moved in together. She's jealous, raging, angry, mean, manipulative, blaming, sarcastic and knieving. But, she does have this love bombing side of her that a fantasize about... But it's not real. She never loved me the way I loved her. I gave her everything. She took it and sh** on it.

My advice is to stop blaming yourself and don't take responsibility for her actions. It does hurt...a lot that she's out with other men. But, I take solace in knowing that she's just going to ultimately screw up another guy's life.

She plays the perpetual victim well and she will continue to do so. But, I'm healing, I'm doing what's best for me today.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. Don't think about masturbating, go for a run, bike ride, walk, gym. Do something else. Don't force it.

Don't allow her to rent space in your head. She can only make you feel guilty if you allow her to. But I know it's hard, man. I'm going through similar. I'm allowing her to rent space in my head as well. But, I'm going to therapy still. I'm doing lots of writing, I'm keeping busy. I'm focusing on my kids, my happiness and the space she's renting in my head gets smaller and smaller.

Keep sharing.
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crunchtime

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« Reply #6 on: October 28, 2019, 11:26:16 AM »

Thanks guys.

It's tough to remember that she isn't the source of my happiness. It certainly feels that way. The love I had with her was so intoxicating, I fear that no one else will compare. It does not help that I have my own extensive history of mental illness, and her being my first girlfriend, it feels like I will never find anyone else again. Part of me is worried that no one else will compare to the love I had with her and the other part is worried I will never find anyone again, period. The idea of her moving on so easily hurts me to my core. It helps to know that it's common to feel guilty, and to wish we were still together.

I'm forcing myself to maintain at least some healthy habits despite this feeling that there's a black hole in my gut gnawing away at me every day. The loneliness and emptiness and missing her is so intense it's like a spinning void inside me that never goes away. But despite that, I am forcing myself to take better care of myself.

It helps me to know this can get better with time. I've still been in touch with her and am not ready to go "no contact" yet, but feel I may be being strung along. It is scary to me how soothing her presence is and simultaneously how frustrating because we're no longer "together."

There are brief flashes of this being an opportunity to hurt myself, or to heal myself. I believe I was bringing some core trauma into the relationship as well and maybe I am projecting this deep sense of loneliness, abandonment, and separation onto her, my ex, and this awful feeling is from the belief that she is the only person in the whole world who can make it go away.

I am trying to take care of my body. I have to do the same for my mind. I am very clearly projecting a lot onto my ex, and my core belief that hurts me is I am in extreme pain, and she is the only one in the world, the only person, the only, that can make it go away. It's like my entire universe revolves around her. That tells me I must be projecting, and projecting hard.

So this breakup is forcing me to examine my core trauma. My core issues. I most likely had these even before entering this relationship. Being in such an intense relationship of course complicates things. But I was me before the relationship, and I need to remind myself I am still me now.

I appreciate the support from you all and hope that sharing my thoughts can be helpful to you as well. I understand this pain, this gnawing emptiness and the feeling that things will never get better without having love again with my ex and her being my girlfriend again. I really love that woman and the pain of separation from her is more than I could ever express. Fortunately I don't have to because you all understand.

I also may learn that I actually agree with my ex. We fought a lot about porn/masturbation but I actually agree with her that I should not have withdrawn to it. It's hard for me to accept my mistakes. But for the future I think that even with severe issues in a relationship...I would not want to withdraw to porn. That is one of my deepest regrets and I wonder had I not done that if we would still be together.

So I am processing a lot. And coming to terms with my own opinions on pornography and what role, if any, I want it to have in my life. I'm accepting that this violent reaction to porn, this sick feeling, is part of the grieving process of my relationship ending, and also a re-integration to examine whether I even want porn in my life anymore at all, or not. It's a lot to process.

Thank you again for all the replies. It's good to feel like I am not completely alone.
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confusedbybdp
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« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2019, 08:14:31 PM »

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I started to reread your posts so that I could try to understand your ex's behavior throughout your relationship.  Could you tell us more about your ex's patterns? Was the relationship chaotic?  Did she rapidly switch from loving and attentive to angry and raging?  Did she criticize you for things other than masturbating and porn?  Why do you think you were withdrawing (your word) from her?  Do you mean that you were pulling back on intimacy with her for some reason?

You wrote, "Well that's not my ****ing problem. Figure it out on your own." Complete flip.

This is not a normal thing for a mature adult to say to the person they once were dating, no matter how painful the breakup.  It shows a total lack of empathy, and the last part, "figure it out on your own," sounds punishing and cruel.  You, like most if not all of us, probably replay all the good, amazing times over and over in your head.  It may help you to know that everything she displayed to you - the good, loving, amazing parts, and the angry and mean parts are ALL part of who she is right now.  I say "right now" because if she does have BPD and is undergoing treatment, she may one day be able to control these nasty and hateful impulses.  Maybe not.  But it may help you to look at what is right in front of you.  Is she treating you in a respectful and loving way most of the time?  Does her behavior fall into the "normal" range of behaviors, good and bad, in a relationship?  This last question may be harder for you to answer because you say that she was your "first."  Maybe speak with your friends or family to hear what they thought of her behavior during your relationship.  I admit that it is still hard for me, 5 months out of my relationship, to hang onto memories of my ex's disordered behavior.  My mind keeps going back to all the good times, and the love I had for him and thought he had for me.  Maybe that's because there is part of us that can't face the fact that we love(d) someone who treated us cruelly.  
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« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2019, 09:50:41 PM »

first love/relationship is another kettle of fish.

its not only unique in terms of recovering and moving on, it can set the stage for future relationships. you may find yourself chasing similar, perhaps even, in spite of yourself.

you want to fully grieve this relationship; when i was younger, often times, id use the next relationship to get over the last. even with a good amount of time between relationships, i hadnt really emotionally moved on. i brought the baggage from the last relationship into the next.

you will want to examine your model of what a healthy relationship looks like. become the man that can attract it. learn the lessons from this relationship; they can teach you so much.

this is the best place i know to do it. i learn something new here, about myself, about others, about relationships, every day. im not the same guy i was in my relationship.

Excerpt
I also may learn that I actually agree with my ex. We fought a lot about porn/masturbation but I actually agree with her that I should not have withdrawn to it

it was something that my ex and i fought over often. i have come to realize that it can be a real relationship killer. i think its good to come to terms with this, whatever you decide, and whatever lines you draw. sex is something you want to be on the same page about, and it takes work and communication to get there.

Excerpt
I've still been in touch with her and am not ready to go "no contact" yet, but feel I may be being strung along. It is scary to me how soothing her presence is and simultaneously how frustrating because we're no longer "together."

tell us more. whats the nature of the contact? how often?
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Teddy007
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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2019, 12:19:12 PM »

I can relate to this. My unbpdex was really sexual person. We did things that i never thought i would. And the sex was like from a porn flick most of the time. She wanted to have sex sometimes 10 times a day. In the beginning this was like a dream come true. But after 3-4 months it started to wear me down. We did the most freaky things. And i always liked to watch porn and masturbate. This is pretty normal for most. Good way to spend time, relax and so on.

If i wasn´t in the mood for sex she would always put me down with accusing me of been watching porn. That i did that instead of have sex with her. Now we all know this is not true a and you cant compare the two. And if i rejected her when she wanted sex more then a few times she would cheat and go with someone else.

She told me she used to watch porn and masturbate as well. And i am a sexual so i don´t mind. I think it´s normal. Anyway we where together for 2 years with a lot of breakups, her lying, cheating and all the typical norm for BPD people.

After she discarded me for a new supply now almost 3 months ago i fell in her charm trap 2 weeks ago. I agreed to go se her and she had all ready put pictures with the new guy on social media and changed her relationship status that she is in a relationship with him.

Well anyways we talk for some 5 hours in the early morning. She told me that she had been thinking about me every second from the breakup. That she loved me and wanted to come home. Like the drug she is for me and how manipulated i was, she had full control and i agreed, just wanted her back. I did not care about the other guy. So we had sex right then en there in the same bed she had sex with the new guy. The sex was really freaky and bdsm violent. When we were doing it i don´t know what i was feeling. I was like an animal and angry at the same time i was screaming from the inside!

So after sex she was really near me and told me that the one problem with the new supply/guy was that they had been having alot of sex and she had been coming every time.

Right after she told she loved me and had sex with me she tells me she had great sex and a lot of it with the guy! Like wtf?

Anyways we both went to work and she promised she would tell the guy she is coming back to me. Well i did not hear much from her before the evening. Then she wrote me that it was a mistake that she is going to be with the new guy and blocked me.

Right then and there she broke me. I felt nothing, my self respect was gone, my dignity, everything, a pathetic doormat. I feel in the PTSD thing after that. In shock!

Everyday since i feel castrated and the thought of sex scare me, a few times i have masturbated to thinking about having sex with her. And after that i felt even worse.

I really don´t know how long it´s gonna feel like this and it feels like she has mad me crazy. Like the worst hell i ever been through.

The worst thing is this trauma bond thing makes my mind long for her. I miss her and want her back and fear it at the same time. No pride left nothing.
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« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2021, 08:20:03 AM »

I have an alike situation, my ex brought so much new in my life, she changed my daily habits, attitude to many things, and sexual life as well. We tried different massages, wax games, and of course, we tried toys, I especially liked finger vibrators. They are really small and don't your attention from the process itself.

After 3 years, one day she just blocked me on all of my social media and messengers, I tried everything to contact her, her friends and even colleagues refuse to talk with me. In a couple of weeks, she unblocked me, send me a really long message saying that she just got too tired from me.

She just didn't let me explain how traumatized I was with her actions that it affected not only my mental state but also the sexual side of life.

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« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2021, 10:35:15 PM »

Dont watch it to begin with. Focus that energy on your partner and see where that takes you.  Rise above the smut and bring intimacy back to the.forefront.

The filth on them internet is a cancer.
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