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[JBgood]

My wife and I are dealing with an adult male child who is married to a woman who likely has Borderline Personality Disorder.  They are not letting us see or zoom with the grandchildren and acting abusive especially to my wife, but me as well.  This situation has been going on for over a year.   I think he has not totally lost his moral compass.  He seems miserable to be in this siutation but likely feels trapped because of the children and her abusive behavior towards him as well as others. Nonetheless he lacks the courage to stand up to the abuse.  We are trying to determine what techniques  could improve the situation and allow us to see our grandchildren.  Any thoughts are welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[normal person]

Not and expert, but I was told to remove my will to argue and negotiate and prove my point give it time to heal.
Focus on emotions and know when to let it go . Focus on living your life rather that trying to fix theirs.
It hurts, but there is nothing really we can do if someone has a mental disorder. They are sick, we can encourage them to get help, but we can't cure them. The 3 Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
I have a BPD daughter who is focussed on me, she hates me and she is triangulating by involving her little sister or her father against me. It's a daily  chore. I try  not to argue and Focus on things and relationships I have.

[pursuingJoy]

I'll echo normal person's good advice. It's hard because I'm sure you see your son's hurt, your feel your own, and you likely worry about your grandkids. Most of us here are living with strained, broken or dysfunctional relationships with people we love.

What has made you think she has BPD? Are both your son and DIL actively abusive, or is he passive?

Share more when you want to, and read other's posts here. This site has been a lifesaver for me.