Undiagnosed adult child, lost touch with reality

[38Struggling]

Hi I am new here and looking for some advice. My daughter has always had low self confidence since secondary school has struggled to fit in and make friends. About two years ago she started saying subtle things to me which I did not understand but assumed came down to low self confidence. We have argued a lot over the last 3 years due to small but infuriating things of her not listening or being accused of saying things about her which we had not said.
At the end of last year we moved her out, which lead to her having a crisis, an uncontrollable temper, hearing things, deluded thoughts about her past teachers, school, things that have been said and done to her. She ended up having an involuntary mental health assessment and I was told she is very confused but nothing else. She spoke to a mental health team for a few weeks but would not tell them her thoughts and then would not speak to them anymore. She then decided they were undercover police and everything they had said to her has been twisted to bad and they are against her. I believe she was in a state of full psychosis, anger, eyes glazed over because she was adamant she was being watched. But never showed this to mental health team. When she was like this, if we tried to tell her otherwise she would get so angry and things would get broken. The mental health team signed her off and put it all to low self esteem and negative thinking. Telling her she needs therapy but she know beliefs all therapists are undercover police and calls get intercepted. All cameras on electrical devices are covered and sometimes not used because she is being watched. Over the last few months things are now calmer but she has sunk further into a world of being watched her whole life by undercover police, everyone in her past was undercover police and ‘they’ have all said and done bad things to her, sometimes in a sexual way. She thinks she is part of an experiment to get rid of bad people like her, all things she truly believes and I am constantly being asked ‘do you believe me’ if I say no the rage would start. The stories are growing everyday. She now just stays in her room and looks out the window throughout the day at times cause she thinks surrounding neighbours are undercover police, to monitor getting rid of bad people like her. She wants to kill herself but she stays ‘they’ won’t allow it.
I have phoned so many help lines, mental health team, doctors and get told we can’t do anything unless she wants to help herself or is a danger to herself. I find this so incredibly frustrating as how can people be left undiagnosed and in such a bad way that they get worse and worse.
I am listening more and trying to recognise the emotion behind what she is saying rather than acting upon her words and ultimately it is all based on her deep beliefs of being a purely bad person which comes from she has the bad genes from her fathers side as he is a recluse, weird, loner who she has had nothing to do with from a young age. I think she has trauma from the abuse she witnessed from him to me when she was little, and I have read so much that these problems occur from trauma at a young age.  She know uses the reason of being watched and monitored as an excuse for everything, to give up, not go out, speak to me and my family in a bad way etc. But is it an excuse as she truly believes it is all happening.
My question is has anyone else experienced a similar situation? Do personality disorders cause this deluded way of thinking about being watched and monitored, being part of an experiment to get rid of bad people, her existence being mapped out by ‘these people’ that control everything. As she has not been diagnosed I am so confused and no professional person is doing anything to help me. My daughter was always a kind caring person with no temper, so easy going, always good at school, college, work but was always classed as shy. She is now a completely different person as if something has taken over her head and she sees her whole life completely differently to how it was. Any advice or information on similar situations to what I am going through would be so appreciated. I don’t know what to do and how much longer I can cope.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[38Struggling]

Plus any advice on how to get someone help when they are refusing it because they think there is no such thing as help, they can’t b helped and the therapists are against them

[normal person]

Hi, reading your story brings back so many memories for me. For me it was time when I thought my kid had schizophrenia rather than BPD.
IMy daughter went through the period of "people outside the windows are watching me". She would call her friend (friend has eating disorder) and would ask her to explain to me that my daughter is being watched. I was asking her why she has to involve someone else, explain 5o me direct, but she wouldn't.
Then she went through period of writing to politicians about dher issues.
She also keeps claiming she has epilepsy, which has no basis, She clocks out under stress. She also has out of body experience, dissociates under stress.

And while  in this state, she always refused to see psychiatrist ..

Good news are with tine she  changed her stance... few months later she went...  I just have a problem her going by herself (refuses to have me come with her) and telling them whole lot of childhood abuse stories, which are untrue. Psychiatrist and few others are now under impressions she has had a rough childhood, she needs to relocate away from family to avoid abuse we have subjected her for years, which is completely untrue.

[38Struggling]

Thank you for  your message, that is my worry because she has not been diagnosed. I don’t know what to do. I am glad to hear your daughter goes to therapy, but I am so sorry that she is telling them untrue stories. Do you still have a relationship with your daughter? I am so worried that this is also going to happen as my daughter has been having false memories sometimes of a sexual nature for the last 6 months. I don’t understand why because I thought she had such a happy childhood, it’s like she has completely recreated her whole life as bad and everyday I continue to hear all the bad things the undercover police (teachers etc) have called her, said to her and  done to her over her whole life time,  but she won’t put a name to any one, so I am unsure if it is a voice in her head or false memory.

Has your daughter been diagnosed? Is there a difference between what I am describing and psychosis, as when she tells me these stories she does not appear to be scared or distressed.

[normal person]

My daughter has spent now almost 4 years in therapy. She has been diagnosed with a range of disorders, every specialist is somewhat guessing. When she finally ended up in a hospital after overdosing on sleeping pills, two psychiatrists said to me she has BPD. It took us 3 years to get to that point I have never heard of BPD before and on a quick read even I didn't believe. I did a lot of research until it started to make sense. I can now read her like a book. But she hates it and refuses to believe it. She has a quiet BPD, so harder to diagnose. We are now in a stage where I am a Target of Blame, she is unwilling to talk about her diagnosis and I think she is somewhat trying to prove that I am wrong, so relationship is non existent. I also had to step back for my own sanity. I am spending a lot of time looking after myself. I have adopted the cutest little Labrador and got into gardening. Me and the dog, we are growing tomatoes , going to the beach I am rediscovering what happy means to me. Cant pour from the empty jug as they say.
My husband and her youngest sister is keeping in touch. They don't understand. Husband does think there is screw loose, but doesn't understand what BPD is, he doesn't understand the logic behind it. BPD actually has very predictable behaviours.
Your case to me sounds like could be BPD, could be schizophrenia could be both...BPD is often comforted with something... what I was told at the hospital by a psychiatric nurse "arm yourself with knowledge", do research . The nurse herself told me she has become a psych nurse only because her son is mentally unstable and she feels she can now grasp how his mind works. I think she was right. The moment I could figure how my daughters mind work, I could finally feel better myself. Not knowing and not understanding was hard, could have saved us a lot of time. I can now deal with her dad telling me she is diagnosed with cPTSD , because I know why current psychiatrist is getting it wrong. I can deal with dad asking me about her primary school abuse as I know it is all baloney. It somewhat doesn't affect me any more , where in the past I would get angry. I also stopped enabling the triangulation and call it out straight away. Triangulation is a massive issue in our family, everyone enabling it. I used to get mixed up in it, now I don't. And so on. Arm yourself with knowledge.

[charliekinz12]

Hi, your story sounds very much like my daughter. She has also had delusions of people watching her and plotting against her.  At one point she thought they were in her home and watching her via cameras that were installed. I was beyond terrified for her. We had her admitted thru a wellness check(she reluctantly went with the EMT'S) and although she had these delusions while she was at the hospital, the doctors attributed it to possibly taking too many meds. I did not agree with that, and she told them that as well , but because the meds she was taking in the hospital settled things down,  (she was also de-stressed ) she was able to go home after a few days. She hated the meds and stopped them about a week after she was was out. I then did my research, and it does seem to happen with extreme stress with some BPD's.  I can tell you that this was several years ago, and since then, she has had "episodes" and I have learned how to deal with them so much better. First off, I would recommend reading the book " I am not sick, I don't need help". It really helped me to see her side of what was happening, and once I could do that, I was able to be more of an ally to her rather than someone who she felt was also against her. With my daughter, these delusions have always occurred when she is extremely stressed over something (financial, family, friends, etc..). I found that helping her relieve that stress really helps her come back around. I also found that when she was angry and accusing me of things, it was better to calmly tell her that I was sorry and that I didn't see things the way she did at this time, and that I would be hanging up, but would call her back later. Short and sweet- I did not let her carry on, and definitely would not argue with her about what she thinks is going on.  Most times, giving her space and time was helpful for both of us. And lastly, I found that challenging her belief(s) gently, with curious questions( ex..why do you think people would spy on you?  You seem really upset, why do you I am in on it~  why would I want to see you so upset?  or  I can see how upset your are, do you think I would want to upset you in any way? etc..while validating what she is seeing/feeling ) when she was calm, seems to help in that some of the things that she was so sure of, she no longer mentions at all. I hope some of this helps~ and you can find her triggers and what may be causing all this stress for her.

[Bluejay12]

Hi,
Your story does sound like many of our stories, sadly.  Sometimes I just post on here because I’m so sad and powerless to change our daughter and get her the help she needs so we can save our sweet granddaughter from being raised by a BPD mother and narcissistic father.  They are both in their mid 30’s and just cancel us out.  Then we are denied from seeing our grandchildren for months or years.  I’d rather deal with cancer than this.  It’s so hopeless.  Nothing has worked and the behaviors continue to be absolutely sadistic towards my husband and myself.  We have lots of sleepless nights and many sad holidays.  Not at all the way we thought we’d be living in retirement years.  I just seem to hear the same stories from so many on this forum.  We’ve read many books on BPD and spoken to therapists who tell us to do whatever you have to do to keep them allowing you to see your grandchildren.  That didn’t work and has only emboldened their bad behaviors.  I’m sad for us all.   

[normal person]

I couldn't help and notice in last comment "BPD mother and narcissistic father". I found it fascinating that in psych literature this is actually a match made I  heaven. That is a very typical partner BPD daughter often finds.

[Bluejay12]

We have read that BPD’s often partner with NPD’s.  So unfortunate because I can’t imagine how the children of such a pathological match survive with any measure of normalcy

[38Struggling]

Sorry working out how to use app