How effective is therapy?

[backflips]

First post. Just at the beginning of a relationship. Realized recently she has bpd. I have been around bpd before and know what the worst looks like. Unlike previous experiences, she is transparent about her issues and working very hard on them. She has been in therapy with a very skilled therapist for a few years. I'm just wondering how much success can occur with long term therapy with someone who acknowledges the disorder, has resources, and is willing to put in the work. Trying to decide if its best just to move on.

Thanks for any feedback.

[ThanksForPlaying]

The latest research on BPD manageability (since 2010) is certainly much more positive than the previous 30 years of research.  There's no 'cure', but BPD itself has varying degrees of severity and there are now more stories of manageability at all levels of the scale (even success stories).  That said, a majority of pwBPD are unable to ever manage symptoms effectively (this part hasn't changed).

You have some positive signs - awareness, therapy, resources.

What made you 'realize recently' she has BPD?  She just told you?  If you haven't seen any other red flags, it sounds like she is managing symptoms well.

But the fact that you're asking if it's 'best to just move on' makes me think you've seen some things that may be pushing your boundaries a little.

[backflips]

Thank you for the reply.

She didn't tell me her diagnosis but she has been open about the type of therapy and the therapist as well as the issues she's working on which was as good as giving me the diagnosis.  I would not have recognized it otherwise at this point. Now that I have awareness on it, I do recognize some symptoms, but they are far more mild than I've dealt with previously and come from her being completely transparent so I feel like she is doing amazingly well.

The "best to move on" thought primarily comes from my previous experience and how dreadful it was to deal with someone with bpd before. That being said, they're two totally different people. Both high functioning and successful people, but one with severe trauma in their past, the other without. One incapable of acknowledging an issue, the other tackling it head on.  I'm trying to give it a fair chance... that being said, i do recall being very happy in the first phase previously with the trouble coming later on. And I definitely do not want to go through anything like that again so understanding success rate of the treatment is vital.

Thanks again

[ForeverDad]

While yes many with BPD behaviors do have traumas from childhood, others don't, so there are evidently multiple causes or contributing factors.  It does seem environmental (family environment or FOO - family of origin) aspects cannot be ignored.

One typical behavior that cannot be ignored is the pull/push phases known as idolization/rejection.  Sort of like the venus flytrap plant... start by luring the target in, then snap the trap of obligation, control.  We often cite the FOG analogy: Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

As with so many illnesses and behaviors, there is a range of behaviors and severity.  (When defining PDs there are always traits listed.  We ALL have traits, the question is where the person is on the scale of normalcy or extremes.)  Is hers of a milder extent, or is this the start of something deeper that hasn't yet become evident?  Perhaps only time will tell.  Having a relationship does require commitment and obligation.

However, if things turn severely dysfunctional and unhealthy, could you end the relationship?  That's the dilemma many face here, what if you're married, what if you have children?  So before marriage or children, assess what you can handle, where you are and where you're willing to be.

My background... spouse had childhood abuse, we were married for a decade, things were gradually getting worse, we had a child (not a fix!), she then saw me as a father comparable to her stepfather, chose her son and rejected me, ended up in divorce, years in family court struggling to stay a father.  Court was not interested in therapy for her, simply set the boundaries that I couldn't enforce.  Our child is grown now, the conflict is less of course but still she has her deep issues I try not to trigger.