My sweet autistic son and his manipulative BPD gf

[Selenium]

My autistic son (high-functioning Asperger’s) has been with a girl with BPD for the past few months. They met on Tinder and on DAY ONE she claimed she had nowhere to live, and he allowed her to move into his dorm room. They were there for one week before he had moved out of the dorm and into her mother’s home. Since that time, he quit college and moved with her into a few horrible trailer park couch-surfing living situations after she was kicked out of her mother’s home once again due to her own behavior. He moved back home to get his truck fixed so that he could have a reliable vehicle, so they were apart for 6 weeks.

She has had placement in 2 different shelters with programs where they help you get on your feet, etc., however she has been kicked out of them both. We know that in the meantime she has prostituted herself often while couch-surfing.  Her mother showed me proof of this (screenshots from messages on their shared email acct), in addition to her suddenly having money with no job. She claimed that she was raped and that a friend just gave her $200. Right.

My son cannot  believe that any of this is true because she is the first real gf he has had. He feels needed and wanted for the first time and is trying to help her. He is loyal to a fault and his heart is in the right place. But it is not in him to just abandon her no matter what happens, apparently.

That is why he went last week to pick her up from her hometown in another state and brought her here to live. Since we will not allow her to live in our home, they have chosen to live in his old pickup truck which has a camper shell and tarp over the back. They have been staying in various parks and truck stops.

She has a court date mid-June related to assault charges against her father. We are hoping they put her in jail seeing as she has not followed any of the requirements of her bond (stay on meds, find a job, keep appts with psychiatrist and therapist). I  not hopeful that they will do much to her though.

I live with the constant fear that something really bad is going to have to happen for my son to see who she really is. He has been busting his butt daily working  hard day labor to keep them afloat while she does nothing (her back hurts, she doesn’t feel well, she can’t work a job where you have to talk to people, she is too disabled to work, etc.)

On the plus side, I took her to the health dept to get a birth control shot. Was so relieved to find I was not too late.

I guess I am just looking for support as I try to keep our boundaries firm while still letting our son know we love him and are here for him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

This has been quite a journey. I recall reading the first part of your post earlier and my heart goes out to you with how things have progressed.

I can share your relief at not being too late! That complication would have been huge!

I hope you are able to stay firm with your boundaries. I let my BPD dd bring her boyfriend into my home (on advice of a counsellor!) it started a 14 year journey of hell. Finally police etc etc and my boundary is no one is coming here.

The anxiety is unbearable at times. But reading your post I must say to you 'congratulations' on rearing such a beautiful son. It is just amazing what he is doing/coping with at this moment. And it sounds as though you have good communication with him too.

Hopefully mid June will bring some change and at least some break in the situation - Time for your son to take stock hopefully.

[Selenium]

Thank you so much for your reply. I thought raising a child with autism was hard, but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Even harder than dealing with my mother’s death.

It goes against my every instinct to allow my son to live on the street in this way, even though I know this is the right thing to do. We have a 14 year old daughter and she doesn’t deserve to have her peaceful, stable homelife destroyed by this girl, if she were living here. My dd, being neuro-typical and emotionally mature for her age, is much more worldly-wise than my son. But still...

I bought my son gas and groceries yesterday. I told them gently that she will also have to get a job if they are to survive on their own. My son then told me that she felt I was blaming her for them being on the street and I wanted to yell “OF COURSE I AM!” But I held my tongue.

I am a music teacher. My husband owns a business. My hobby is gardening and his is sailing. We are quiet, introverted, good people who have tried to create a peaceful world for both our children. We are not used to drama of any kind and this has been so difficult for us. We are now learning about court dates, homeless shelters, social services, etc.

I wish now that I had taught my son more about the real world instead of sheltering him so much. I thought I was helping him by wanting him to grow up in a stable, quiet home but as it turns out he has no knowledge that other people can be dishonest jerks who will take you for everything you have.

We just want this girl to go away but unfortunately he is the one who is going to have to walk away from her, and I don’t see him doing that anytime soon. She has broken up with him like 3 times already and he begged her and convinced her to come back. And now, why would she leave him when he is gladly taking care of her every need without complaint?

[Sancho]

Yes - there is a world out there that I would never have known existed if I hadn't had a BPD dd! That's why it is so good for me to come here and be reminded it's not just me - there is a whole community of people experiencing the same thing.

You have done well in setting boundaries while keeping in contact eg taking her for the shot. Wish I had been able to do this many years ago!

The hardest thing perhaps is the feeling that this is never going to change. At the moment she has broken up and your son is wanting to keep the relationship going - so it has continued and you feel that it will always be the pattern.

But things do change. My BPD dd has had a lot of different partners. Sometimes they have lasted quite some time - others short period of time.

Also some people with BPD do recover - not so in my case- but it does happen.

Do you have any support eg counsellor or someone to help guide you through this?

In my opinion the biggest thing is that your son keeps working, keeps his own routine going, even if it is hard. Many young women with BPD find it difficult when their partner goes to work, the abandonment kicks in and it is painful for them to be on their own. Sadly this can mean that they partner up with someone who is also unable to work etc.

Your son has a lot going for him and you are dealing with this new reality so well I think.

[Selenium]

We are so afraid we will never get our son back. The sway she holds over him is absolutely unbelievable. Every single person who has met her, or even heard her voice raging in the background on the phone, recognizes that she is bad news. Not a nice person at all. Rude. Selfish. Childish. Why can’t he see this? The police were almost called the other day when his truck broke down and she was so angry about it she had him in a headlock, was beating him. Pulled the passenger side door panel off. Hit the inside of the windshield with her HEAD and shattered it. He denies any of this happening even though there were many witnesses.

We are losing him more and more every day, and he has completely lost himself. I asked him where his dreams were now and he said he lost them before he met her.

Our only hope is that she has a court date in 2 weeks regarding her assault on her father. She is out now on bond and has not followed any of their instructions. Maybe they will put her in jail but I doubt they do anything at all. 

I am supposed to leave tomorrow with my daughter (my son was supposed to go also when this was planned) to go to the beach. I don’t even feel like I can go now. Our lives have been so turned upside down by this horrible girl.

[Sancho]

When even the slightest thing goes wrong my BPD dd loses it in the way you have described. People here with children who have BPD are also heartbroken that their child has such awful emotional responses, is rude, and just impossible to relate to.
This is a severe mental illness. One psychiatrist said that if he had to choose between living with schizophrenia and BPD he would choose schizophrenia any day.

From what you say this is a truly awful situation - like an explosion going off bit by bit as you wait for the big one. The court case might bring some other element into the situation - it would be good for both your son and his gf I think - your son could have a break to look at things and for the gf to perhaps - hopefully - get some help.

I understand that you are hanging out for this to end, but I don't think you will lose your son if you can keep contact with him.

I read the story once of a mother whose son had become heavily involved in drugs. She followed all the advice of others, told him what he was doing to himself etc. He was on the streets etc.

Nothing was working. So she decided to join a group I think it was to learn about the drugs and harm minimisation strategies. Next time he came home, she started to talk to him about how to look after himself, where to go if he needed help, what to make sure he had in his backpack for his safety.

That was the first time he was not gone long. Back after three weeks or so. In a relatively short time after that he was able to get off the substances and - well happy ending.

So I am just wondering . . . . I am not sure if you try to convince your son to leave his gf when you do talk to him. You seem to say he is becoming more attached as time goes on.

I wonder if you talk to him about BPD - bits and pieces even rather than a big discussion eg yes it must be hard for your gf dealing with such emotional turmoil. When she gets angry how can you make sure you are safe?

I think you probably have done this already.

I really just wanted to say - you are there for your son, and he knows that. So I don't think you will lose him even though it feels like that now.

[GaGrl]

Selemium, can you contact the prosecutor and testify to subsequent violent acts? Would that influence her current case?

[Turkish]

Selenium,

I have an 11 year old son with ASD1, and what you describe is what i fear for him in the future. He's a kind soul, yet guileless for the most part, and I and his mom have had to deal with a few minor situations in school where he hasn't recognized peers taking advantage of him.

If like my son, does yours take things literally? Have you been straight up blunt about where his relationship might end up?

[Selenium]

GaGrl: I have thought about contacting the prosecutor, but since no police were called it seems like it would be just hearsay? But I don’t know anything about the law. Also, I am concerned that if I did contact them, the gf and my son would know I did that and then I really might lose him. Again though, I don’t know anything about law.

We have definitely talked to him about how this relationship will likely end. We have spelled it all out. He knows how it might end and he is going forward with it anyway.

Yesterday the girl refused to do any work at the house where we are letting them stay “because all she had were nice shoes”. We are like - what? We are allowing them to stay there free in exchange for work and to allow them to save some money. And they choose not to do the work.

So at this point, he has no running vehicle other than a little motorbike. He has no job yet although he is waiting to start a full time job next week. He is working some for a neighbor.

I told him this morning that he has two options:
A. Do the work you are supposed to do so that you have somewhere to live. We have another property they could stay in after this one if they can show they will do the work. If they refuse, that option will be off the table and they will have nowhere to go by July 1.
B. Figure out how you are going to earn and save $1800 by July 1 so you have enough to move into an apartment.

I don’t know what he will choose, but I am almost positive she will lead him down the laziest path.

[Selenium]

I had truly hoped all this would have ended by now. But my son is simply more enmeshed than ever in this horrible and unhealthy relationship.

When is my son ever going to see who this girl truly is? And will we be able to maintain our relationship with his through this? I have no answers. I just know this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through - watching my son make horrible life choices because he thinks this girl loves him.