Boundary About Their Texts?

[By Still Water]

Hello All,

I'd like to know how you orchestrated boundaries about accusatory or sneering texts. For example, if we inform "J" that we are happy to read his updates, however, the second the words become disrespectful, we will stop reading, how does communication go after it's put into practice?  Should I stop reading the text, wait a couple of weeks or so, then send a "How're you" text? Would that be ignoring the offense? What are the mechanics of how you put boundaries around their texts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

You said in a previous post that when you read degrading words, you stop scrolling. I like that approach.

I try to keep the focus on managing my own emotions. If you focus on your own regulation, you'll employ new responses that, over time, will condition him to stop using old techniques to get a rise out of you. If he rages or calls you names, ignore the text. If he rapid-fire texts and gets upset when you don't respond, take a few hours until you feel calm and respond when you want to.  If he's providing information, engage and respond positively to the information. If he rages while providing information, ignore. Over time, your responses will lead to new behaviors.

As far as reaching back out, is it likely that he would go weeks without contacting you? I usually want to reach back out when I'm calm and in a good head space. Waiting until I have my footing again works well for me.

Never easy when it's your kid and you're worried about him. Hang in there mama. You're doing great! 

[Sancho]

I haven't really taken a stand on texts - I just let them go through to the keeper - as the cricket saying says.

I think you need to test the water. I used to feel awful when I hung up on abusive phone calls. I would worry about where she was etc. Then as soon as she wanted something - back on the phone and very nice to me.

I think make your own plan is probably the best because you know your child best.
If you get an abusive text, text back saying you won't read it because . . . .

Probably more abuse will follow - ignore.

Wait a while and yes - I would send a normal text and see if you get an abusive response.

Some BPD folk hold the grudge and cut off for quite a while if you put up a boundary. Others move on quickly from the intense emotion and are okay - leaving you reeling from the abuse!

See how you go with your plan.

[By Still Water]

Sancho and Pursuing Joy,
    Thank you; these are helpful. I had sent him a short civil text, asking if he'd agree to boundaries (for mutual honoring / respect), as well as assuring him he was not disinherited (as he had suspected), and that I loved him. He responded with a long one in which he accused us of emotional & psychological abuse throughout his childhood, because of our Christian faith (not strict by any means and not forced on our kids).  He said that "honoring" is not his interest since he doesn't speak "Christianese" anymore. He can't seem to rationally think that honoring communication is not merely a Christian value; it's a secular one, too. He did not address the proposition for mutually civil and respectful communication - just a kickback.  (All this is an odd reversal, considering that, when Covid started, he wrote to say he had an "excellent" childhood.) Soo...the prediction, here, that a boundary would provoke more accusatory ranting was accurate. I'm thinking of waiting a day, and simply writing, "]All our best wishes for your wellness. Update us as you'd like. Civil and constructive texts will always get a full read. Nevertheless,  I will continue to reach out to ask how you're doing. Love, Mom."  Thanks for your thoughts. This disorder is so painful sad because we feel so helpless to help the loved one untangle their snares.

[pursuingJoy]

pwBPD typically don't agree to boundaries. Most people, BPD or not, get offended when boundaries are presented. The accusations and angry retorts can be expected.

It's helpful to think about boundaries as a way not to control others or keep them out, but to keep us in our yard. It sounds like you'll hold the boundary, whether your son respects it or not, and that's the most important piece of this.

I would stay away from saying, "All our best wishes for your wellness." It sounds like you're signing off and letting him go, and that's not likely to have the effect you want.

I am on the fence about including, "Update us as you like." If you genuinely don't think he feels he needs permission to update you, include it. I might be inclined to communicate as if that's a given.

How about this: "Civil and constructive texts will always get a full read. I love you and would love to hear how you're doing." Does that communicate what you want to say?

[beatricex]

Hi By Still Water,
In general I just avoid text messaging anyone I know with BPD.  On suspect list:  by Mom and my stepdaughter (she's an adult with young children of her own).

Actually, I generally avoid texting in general.

I feel it's overrated in the best of circumstances, and in the worst (a relative with BPD), it can really create a karpman triangle out of nothing.

Several times I have blocked my step daughter, deleted her from my phone, wished she would just come to my house so we could have a real conversation.

That doesn't go much better, as she typically looks at her shoes not me when we speak in person.

sorry I'm not much help.

I think if you know someone really really well, texting is awesome.  If one party has a personality disorder no advice I can give will ever give you that magical answer.  My answer is don't text.

With my mom, she likes to love bomb me in texts and email and it's super annoying.  I blocked her once for a year and she didn't even notice.  ha ha

b 

[Sancho]

persuingJOy I really like the distinction you make about boundaries - not so much to keep the other out, as to keep oneself safe etc.

This way of thinking can make a huge difference I think. In relation to texts then you can put up the boundary when it is too much for you, but you don't have to wait for the other to then initiate a conversation with you.

Thanks for this way of thinking.

[By Still Water]

Pursuing Joy and Beatricex,  thank you for weighing in.

     Pursuing Joy, the idea that boundaries keep us in our yard gave me pause to muse - it makes sense. You're right; saying "Best wishes for your wellness" does sound like a sign-off.
     Beatricex, the Karpman triangle - exactly, which is why we avoid defending ourselves in "Parentburg Addresses."  :-)   In answer to his latest belligerent text, (in response to my request for mutually respectful communication, with a "Love, Mom")  I merely let him know that we are continuing to root for his best wellness.
     We had earlier invited talk on the phone, however he rejected that - even though we had kindly agreed to his demands of topic avoidance. As we all know, it would be spinning wheels in the snow - to address irrational accusations, generalizations, and catastrophizing, so I think we're pragmatically limited to short affirmations of love and good-will.

[pursuingJoy]

Parentburg Addresses - I like that.

Keep up the good work. This is tough in the best of circumstances. 

[not poppie]

I'm thankful for reading this thread.  My DIL will send long, horrible texts and I have had to block her after this last bought of texts.  The emotional abuse and strain is too much.  I realize that by blocking her, it has added fuel to her fire and she is now telling anyone who will listen what a horrible MIL, mother, and grandmother I am.  My sanity or my reputation?  IDK...

[By Still Water]

Thanks for adding to the discussion, NotPoppie.  I feel pained, as well. I find it so difficult to decide: to read or not to read? As for my son, "J," my plan was to just stop scrolling down when a text began to be blatant, obnoxious "word-stabbings," however now a thought has been nagging me...what if he mentions potential harm to himself? (He has never threatened that, though.) I'd want to know that, but how would one call the authorities in a foreign country? I wouldn't know the first place to start.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders