Trying to get out of this marriage

[HopelessinNJ]

Hello all,

I need to leave the marriage that I am in and am looking for some support.  Although she's never been diagnosed, I'm pretty sure that my wife is BPD.  We've been together for 20 years and married for 6.  Life is a living hell.  She has a hair trigger anger.  Nothing is too petty to serve as the launching point for hours of verbal abuse.  She brings up slights and wrongs from the deep past -- somebody who rolled their eyes at her 15 years ago -- that sort of thing.  She lambasts me for things that I did in past relationships, long before I knew she existed.  I could go on forever.  I'm sure it's a familiar story.  

The subject that is most inflammatory is anything having to do with my children.  I have three adult children (from previous marriage) and I am estranged from 2 of them, probably largely because of her.  She wants to "monitor" any communications that I have with the third child.

I have provided her with a very comfortable lifestyle.  She doesn't need to work and from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep is discretionary time for her.  To hear her side of it, however, I am ruining her life with my "emotional abuse" and because I don't engage in bitter fights with my siblings and children, which she would like me to do.  She wants me to break off all contact with nearly all my family.  She is a nightmare.

Sunday I am meeting up with my son who has been estranged for 5 years, who is moving overseas in a couple weeks.  I am concerned she will attempt to undermine any rapprochement.  She has given me all sorts of rules and warnings about what I can and cannot talk about.  The meeting will be private, but she will be in the house and she's capable of almost anything.

I am going to leave.  I started a divorce action 2 years ago, but never served her and she does not know that.  I was on the verge of filing again last summer, but she got wind of it and promised to get better.  The only improvement has been that she is not physically violent as she was before.

I intend to have the divorce filed in the next week or two and I will leave the house.  I have pretty serious codependency issues that I need to overcome.  I've been in therapy for over 10 years, and that has helped.  She has very deep abandonment issues, and the only way I can leave the house is to sneak out in the early morning -- I'm an early bird and she's a night owl.  I did leave a couple weeks ago but came back the same day.  It's very difficult for me.  I beat myself up constantly for both getting in this relationship and for the hard time I have to leave it.  

I am hoping that my writing out my intent to leave and letting people know -- even strangers, it will help me do what I know I need to do to save my life.

Thanks for listening.  I'll post developments.

[Sluggo]

HopelessinNJ,

I'm sorry for what you are going through and happy you found this board. 

I was married 18 years also and allowed my wife to control and monitor all communication with family.  There were so many rules I had to follow in order to keep her anger manageable.  I was really the one trying to control her with my behavior by appeasing her.  But as time went along appeasing her stopped working and her anger triggered daily until there was a long 6-8 week period of rage and silence. 

The final straw was the death of my dad who was in hospice which I also allowed my ex to control  my visitation schedule.   I visited him only twice in 4 months - he lived 5 min from my home- and she went with me both times.  After he died, my marriage was not any better and she was just as mad.  I gave up that time with him as I thought she would see it as a sacrifice I did for her and improve our marriage.  It had no affect. 

It was so hard to leave but when I did leave, I knew it was the right thing.  I cried so much in the months that followed.  It took me hitting rock bottom to leave.  When I did leave things escalated even worse- alienation with my kids-  which is why I filed divorce within a month of leaving home. 

Hang in there.  You will know when it is time to leave- if that is what you decide to do.  I can say, now 5 years later, I am a back to my normal self.  I can't imagine living that life anymore. 

Sluggo

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HopelessinNJ, Welcome!  Like Sluggo, I had to hit bottom before leaving.  Two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me, which got my attention.  It's no exaggeration to say that they probably saved my life.  That's a story for another day, and hopefully you can make changes before you reach that point.  I agree w/Sluggo: you will know when it's time to leave, if that's the right decision for you.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Rex31807]

Leaving is never easy and when you do I would advise you to go no contact. I made the mistake of unblocking my X and she has stirred up non-stop conflict for the last 24 hours. She is on a rage cycle that will not stop.

It took me a month to feel like I wasn't an empty shell. During month 2 I started to enjoy life again.  I went through everything you described in your post. I feel like I could have written it.

I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow to discuss filing for divorce. I don't see an alternative after the last 24 hours. I am literally scared to go be in the same house with her because I know she would blow up.