Struggles over what’s right

[formflier]

I know why...because he has heard from them what is needed for him to be different AND HE WANTS NO PART OF IT.

Much easier to have other people in this life do gymnastics...then he do his work..or any work for that matter.

I kinda had remembered the hypochondriac thing..and it was one of the pieces that doesn't make sense...

It's not that he is "avoidant" of going to the doctor...I believe he is "avoidant" of accountability to do/face things he doesn't want to.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

I think FF nailed it.

Perhaps he's focused on physiological because that would absolve him of responsibility for behavioral changes.

[Ozzie101]

Very good point and I think that’s probably accurate. It’s similar to his weight focus. He keeps insisting there must be something wrong with him — rather than it being that he doesn’t have much will power.

He’s very impatient with therapy, jumping from T to T. And as much as he complains about taking medicine, he seems to want a drug that will just fix things.

There may well be something physically wrong — though that’s never been found — but a lot of it is behavior and regulatory issues.

[kells76]

There is a problem. Yes, I think there may be a physiological component (though, not being a doctor, I can’t be sure).

I haven’t decided if he’s avoiding it or not. He borders on hypochondriac. He sees doctors all the time about anything that may be a problem. Knowing that, it wouldn’t be in his pattern for him to avoid things with his P or T (when he had one). And, in the past, he’s been eager for me to participate with his P. I don’t know why he’d hedge and stall and lie to keep me away now. Yet it seemed like that was what was happening.

and

I kinda had remembered the hypochondriac thing..and it was one of the pieces that doesn't make sense...

It's not that he is "avoidant" of going to the doctor...I believe he is "avoidant" of accountability to do/face things he doesn't want to.

This -- the "hypochondria" -- actually makes a ton of sense to me. It isn't that "weird, he doesn't avoid X Y and Z, and goes to Dr's about those things, so it doesn't fit that he is avoidant about P and Q".

What if he is using "dealing with" X Y and Z... AS the avoidance of P and Q. So it isn't that "he is not avoidant in these areas, so he must also not be avoidant of Core Issues P and Q".

Seeing Dr's about X Y and Z is the avoidance of P and Q.

I remember something similar from a million years ago when I was in group therapy. I remember the insight striking me, that there was a "quadrant" of "issues" to bring up. On the Y-axis were "actually easy to talk about" and "actually hard to talk about". On the X-axis were "sounds easy to talk about, but isn't" and "sounds hard to talk about, but isn't".

If I weren't in the mood for actual work in group, then I would pick a topic from the intersection of "actually easy to talk about" and "sounds hard to talk about". It was complete avoidance of the row of issues that, whether they "sounded" easy or hard to talk about, were very difficult to discuss. If I could pick something that sounded really deep and difficult, but for me personally was actually not that triggering, then I could fake it through a group session. I was in my teens, FYI.

Would not surprise me at all if your H uses a similar dynamic.

[Ozzie101]

That does make a lot of sense, kells. I’ve been guilty of things like that in the past myself (not so much issue discussion but things like tasks that must be completed). I probably do some of it now with H — address things that are less triggering rather than digging into problem areas. But, yes, I could see him doing this.

[formflier]

Whatever the dynamic or "reasoning" that he is using...does that change Ozzie's path forward?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

I know the P question is still an issue. But this week, my focus has been a bit scattered. Not an excuse, really. I know how important it is.

H is supposed to leave town today on a nearly week-long trip, meeting an old friend. Well, there are all kinds of flight problems with the airline he booked so he’s been obsessing over it, constantly looking up daily flights, etc., and getting himself worked up.

Last night he really flipped out because yesterday’s version of today’s flight got canceled. That plus a couple of work problems.

I tried to help with the travel stuff and figuring out contingencies but he was too worked up to be any help and started lashing out at me about work (“I wish you had to deal with this stress instead” “you never solve my work problems” “I’ll quit and then it will all be on you”). So, I left. I ate dinner elsewhere and cooled off. There was no point in my trying to help anymore. I figured I’d let him deal with it and the consequences.

(I didn’t think my helping was enabling because, honestly, if he goes on this trip, I benefit too. Anyway, he asked for my assistance with it since I have a fair bit of knowledge about that stuff from my previous job.)

Thing is, this stuff could be handled rationally and figured out but his behavior when he gets worked up makes that impossible.

He’s calm and rational today. Apologetic for ruining the evening. Still stressed. I told him I know he’s anxious but this is something he can manage and while things may not go as planned, it can still work out. I told him again I want to be at his P appointment, which he was very positive about (though still no set immediate date).

He took SS to the pool yesterday afternoon so they were gone when I got home from work. Then I went to pick up pizza (that was the plan — I ended up leaving them to it and doing my own thing). They were home when I got there and there was an empty wine box and a plastic cup that’s been “missing” for a couple of weeks in the kitchen. I’d suspected he was still secretly drinking. He gets antsy sometimes about wanting to run errands or will disappear for a while to do something but take longer than the errand should.

That’s something else to discuss with H and P. H gets very defensive and upset when I bring it up because he feels like I harp on it too much (I haven’t mentioned it in months) but alcohol definitely has a bad effect when he’s stressed or moody.

[Cat Familiar]

He’s out of town now, right?

I understand if you’d like to focus on other things now that you have *free time* away from the chaos.

However I think this would be a good time to look at your responses to his acting out behavior.

It’s a given that he doesn’t handle stress well. And it’s a given that life presents ample opportunities for stress.

So, the next time something comes up, what is your plan? Not a plan of how to help him, soothe him, distract him, fix things for him—but for you?

I say this from the perspective of observing my husband’s stress for the last month. It’s been one of those wacky times when being a homeowner, you ask yourself, “What the F* is next?”

We had a water pipe break in the horse pasture and on a Friday, we couldn’t get anyone with a tractor out to fix it until late in the day (it was 4 feet deep). In the process, they broke the irrigation pipeline adjacent to it, but fixed that break too.

Saturday morning, the irrigation water (out of a ditch, but not suitable for drinking) worked, but the domestic water still had a leak uphill of the repair.

We have auxiliary system for when we have power outages that is connected to a storage tank that pumps water into our pressure tanks, but it was not working right, only giving a tiny trickle out of the faucets. Was it the 12 volt pump or did one of our pressure tanks fail?

So no showers were possible and we had to flush toilets with buckets of irrigation water. It was camping at our house, using nearly every dish we owned, minimizing cooking since there was almost no counter that didn’t have dishes stacked on it.

After the weekend, the repair commenced and we once again had water and could do laundry and wash the mountain of dishes. We got our well guy out and repressurized our pressure tanks and replaced the little water pump.

Then our new solar project began. They took down some ancient panels that didn’t generate much power and replaced them with 24 big panels. In addition, they re-did some wiring, replaced electrical panels, and put in a whole house battery.

The project which was supposed to only take a few days has now stretched to three weeks. First there was a problem with the wiring. The battery was not working properly and when the power was shut down, it didn’t back up the house at all. Then the battery we got last year for my husband’s studio began malfunctioning. We suspected the installers had something to do with that, as they were looking at it when the new battery wasn’t working as it should.

My husband was certain that both batteries were *ruined* and responded like a small child would if a favorite toy fell out of a car window on the freeway.

We were once again facing a weekend and waiting until they could reschedule someone to come back to work on the system. And since there was so much more time involved than originally planned, we had to wait even longer.

Since then, we’ve had more visits from the installers and the computer tech folks. In this company, people either understand the electrical side of things or the tech side, but not both.

Husband’s battery now works, though he’s suspicious that it still may be damaged. The main house battery is sending power to the grid and powers the house during the day, but is not capable of running things if the grid goes down.

I mention all this detail because for the last month my husband has been in a state of extreme anxiety. It’s not pleasant but I refuse to join him in that emotion. I have to walk a fine line to validate that I understand why he feels that way, but not say anything that would make him think that I was “on the side of the solar company,” which is patently ridiculous, but in his mind a reasonable assumption should I offer an explanation as to why they don’t immediately come and fix our issue.

What I have said is “We’ve got leverage.” There’s tens of thousands of dollars that we haven’t yet paid. Of course they’re motivated to fix our issue. It’s not a problem unless the entire grid goes down, which does happen occasionally, but not often.

It really sucks to be around someone who alternates between depression, anger, frustration, and just can’t get off that and think about other things. But that too will change once things get fixed.

It’s finding a place where I can peacefully coexist without taking on his emotional burden.

That’s what I’d like you to consider Ozzie, while you have some alone time. How can you do this and stay true to yourself, while simultaneously not fixing things or taking on emotional burdens that are not yours to assume?

[Ozzie101]

Thank you, Cat. This is a good time for that.

The flights he’s been obsessing and panicking about for a week all went smoothly. Looking back, I mostly stayed calm and centered but there were times I bought into it a bit (I hate flying and I could definitely understand how he felt so it was harder to be completely above it).

It’s something to think about and learn from.

You’re right — it is a balance — validate but don’t join the party. I think I’m making progress but there’s still room to grow. Most of our horrible housing journey, I stayed calm and managed things without joining in on the anger and anxiety. But it took a toll on me inside because, honestly, I was anxious and upset too. I just knew I couldn’t show that because it would just feed and snowball with H’s. That’s another thing for me to figure out: how to take care of myself emotionally in these situations.

I will say, in the car on the way to the airport, we had a good conversation about behavior. It’s always sort of startling to me how self-aware and reasonable he can be when he’s stable. He called and made the P appointment for July 19. I work from home Mondays and this way we can be together for it. He’s still out most of next week and his P is off the next.

[formflier]

So..how did the last conversation go about a joint P appointment?  When was that?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

It was yesterday in the car. After the rough Wednesday night, he was in a calm, reflective mood, talking about how he hated that happening and his he tries the things Ts have told him but nothing works yet.

He said a couple of his meds mention anger outbursts were a possible side effect.

I saw that as an opening and told him again I want to talk to his P and H said he wasn’t sure it would help (he feels like the P is always rushing him through it) but he wanted me to give my input. He got on his phone to check the online schedule and went ahead and put himself down.

[formflier]

That's good news if I understand correctly.  So you guys had a talk about it, he was ambivalent/wishy washey but then he went ahead and got online and made an appointment with his P.  Do I have this correct?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

Mostly. Except he wasn’t all that ambivalent. He was skeptical about the effectiveness, given his experience with P, but he was otherwise positive, open and chatty about it. That’s very typical for when he’s in a good mood. I knew if I could “get” him at the right time he’d be on board.

[formflier]

I'm cheering for you!

When is the appointment?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

It’s July 19. We’ll see how it goes. He’s said the P just says that his dissociative episodes aren’t a concern (H says he thinks P is missing something) and that may well be true. But I want to hear it myself and make sure he has a complete picture (or as complete as it can be).

[formflier]

FF is cheering you on.  Make notes..have a list, something you can quickly refer to on your phone!

Best,

FF