Help with Ex-partner

[Thanos27]

Hi,

So, I’ve never posted on a forum before but I don’t know where else to turn to, I’m almost in tears writing this because I just can’t take it anymore.

I’ve been friends with someone for about 5 years (we also dated for 18 months when we first met) and they got diagnosed with BPD after they tried to take their own life a year and a half ago. All the classic  behaviours were there - shouting at me in public, making baseless accusations, etc. so it finally made sense when he was diagnosed.

I can’t make them understand how much they hurt me, it’s somehow always my fault: wild accusations, things I haven’t done and when I defend myself I’m called aggressive and it’s my fault because I drove them to it. I want to walk away but we have mutual friends and we work together (he’s my manager so I’m worried he’ll just sack me as I freelance and not on contract).  It’s not something I want to do but I just want them to understand what it’s like for me. If someone was saying this to me I would tell them to walk away and don’t look back. I’m tired of apologising for things I haven’t done but I can’t just sit back anymore and take it anymore. When I try to defend myself it just makes it worse - so what do I do? What choice do I have but to just walk away?

After the latest exchange this weekend my nerves were fried, I felt like I’d been electrocuted. I told them that I keep saying or doing the wrong thing which winds them up so best we have some space for a couple of days but even that made it worse. Today at work he looked like he wanted to kill me.

I’ve tried to look for help on the Internet and there seems to be plenty of information about them - but not for us who are on the receiving end of it.  It’s destroying my confidence and I’’m exhausted. And I ask myself - why do I keep coming back for more? Why do I accept this behaviour from someone who hurts me so much? It doesn’t matter what I do to try and avoid any confrontation it always erupts no matter what I do. I feel like a mug, a fool, who’s only brought this on himself. I want to be supportive for what he’s been through but I can’t be an emotional punch bag.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about this and I feel very alone in trying to deal with this. Sorry for the lengthy post. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanos

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EZEarache]

Hi Thanos,

Welcome! You've found a safe place to regain your composure.

It sounds like you are in a difficult position having a work relationship with a former lover with BPD if I understanding correctly. You will need to tread very lightly. 

...when I defend myself I’m called aggressive and it’s my fault because I drove them to it. 

Something that is often discussed on this board is not to not JADE.

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

After joining this board, it took me a couple months to really latch onto the importance of this. However, not doing these things has made my relationship with my ex, much more stable. Although, I don't work with her, we are co-parenting, so I am stuck keeping the piece in a similar manner. Not JADEing has reduced the conflict greatly.

It doesn’t matter what I do to try and avoid any confrontation it always erupts no matter what I do. I feel like a mug, a fool, who’s only brought this on himself. I want to be supportive for what he’s been through but I can’t be an emotional punch bag.

I think most of the people on this board express similar sentiments. It will take you a long time to disassociate the pointed statements, as a personal attack on yourself, and see them as what they really are. They are often times projection for how they feel about themselves.

I suggest reading Stop Walking on Eggshells if you haven't already. It's a great introduction to what you are dealing with.

I also suggest you start making an exit strategy, by finding a new job. I'm not sure what industry you're in and how difficult that will be.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Thanos  I was a newbie to forums when I came here too. You're in good company. I'm really glad you're finally talking to someone about what's going on. This sounds painful.

It’s destroying my confidence and I’’m exhausted.

BPD is so destructive to people and relationships. It can make nonBPD people feel upside down. I tried and tried to make it work and was still blamed for everything.

I just want them to understand what it’s like for me.

It's likely this won't happen. Are you willing to let go of this idea?

What choice do I have but to just walk away?

As you learn about BPD, you'll discover a range of options. You may still choose to walk away, but there are other tools that can be really effective.

You work with/for this person. Is this your sole source of income? What's the hardest part about your work dynamic?