New divorce decree - uBPDxw gets almost no visitation

[prof]

It's been about a year since my last post, so I'm long overdue for an update!

uBPDxw (it feels good to drop the "stb"!) and I finally (after 3.5 years!) had our divorce hearing last month and the court issued the decree a few days ago.

The custody arrangement for S8 was devastating for her. We retain joint legal custody, with me as tie-breaker, but I got full physical custody. She gets *supervised* visits just a few days a year, in my state, 7 hours from where she lives.  No phone or video communication -- just text.

This is significantly stricter than what my L had argued for, and much more in line with what the GAL had recommended.

It's hard getting a read on how S8 is taking this.  I'm torn because I don't want to rip him away from his mother, but I'm also very familiar with how difficult having a relationship with her can be, and I want to do what I can to protect him from the worst of it.

Any insight?

[kells76]

First of all, great to hear from you again! Can't believe your son is 8 -- time flies.

My first instinctive response to this

I don't want to rip him away from his mother

is... I kind of don't think it's you doing that.

(a), she has made a lot of choices that have led to this point for her, and

(b), it's not like you "forced" the court system to do this particular parenting time arrangement.

Sounds like the court also wants S8 protected, and sees limiting his time with Mom and increasing his time with you as the way to do it.

It's normal to grieve the loss of what you wanted for S8. I think you would want him to have a mom who is healthy and present. Can you find space for yourself to mourn that?

If you are really torn up about the parenting time arrangement, perhaps consider how you can do your part to make those days and texts the best possible for S8. There are definitely stories on this board about how when a disordered parent got LESS parenting time, the quality of that time for the kids got better. It may be that the healthiest situation for S8 is to have a fun, positive time with Mom every couple of months, and to share snippets of daily life by texting and sending photos. She might not be capable of more than that, and it is to the court's credit to recognize that reality.

Glad you came back to update us!

-kells76

[GaGrl]

So good to hear from you, prof, and with positive progress also!

I agree with Kelly -- bridge what you thought your life, and your family, was thought to be, and focus on facilitating positive interactions between your son and his mother.

It is interesting that the court was stricter on visitation than you anticipated or that you would have agreed to. The GAL must have had a lot of influence there. Keep in mind that, if your son's mother is unhappy with the settlement, she has two choices -- file an appeal now (unlikely), or earn her way toward better visitation arrangements later.

How did she react? Do you have to have anything other than text contact with her?

[formflier]

is... I kind of don't think it's you doing that.

 

I'll agree and up the ante on this question.

Make it dichotomous.  If your only choices are 1 (rip child away) or 2 (protect child).

Which do you pick?

Good to hear from you.

How are YOU feeling about all of this?

Best,

FF

[prof]

I kind of don't think it's you doing that.

Of course you're right!  uBPDxw is blaming everything on me, and I guess I'm still conditioned to accept the blame for her problems from all of our years together.

It's normal to grieve the loss of what you wanted for S8. I think you would want him to have a mom who is healthy and present. Can you find space for yourself to mourn that?

Yes, I need to do this.

How did she react? Do you have to have anything other than text contact with her?

Lots of anger and blaming everyone but herself.  She's convinced there's some conspiracy where my dad paid off the GAL or judge or something.

Mostly just angry texts so far, which I've screenshotted and sent off to my L.  She tried calling a bunch yesterday.  I only picked up once, and she urged me to defy the order and allow them to video chat.  When I told her that I wasn't going to do that, she started swearing and hung up on me.

If your only choices are 1 (rip child away) or 2 (protect child).

Which do you pick?

Well that's a no-brainer!  Thanks for putting it like this.

How are YOU feeling about all of this?

By all measures, I *should* be over the moon.  On top of the custody/visitation decision, I'll also be financially much better off (no more paying any of her bills).  But I'm struggling with how this will affect S8's relationship with his mom.

[MeandThee29]

Give it time. Of course, it's hard for your kid. There may be a long adjustment, but that's OK. Fall back on the court ruling and focus on your own parenting. You may want to consider therapy for your child if you haven't already considered that. I have a local friend who could only afford once a month, and it still helped her kids. The terms were very similar to yours.

Mine were college kids and are still adjusting IMHO.  They went no contact when I went no contact during the divorce process and have remained so. Both saw a local therapist and made their own minds up. One refuses to talk at all about their father, and the other is more balanced (i.e. hurt people hurt people). I'm more concerned about the former, but time will tell.

It's a lot to work through.

[formflier]

  But I'm struggling with how this will affect S8's relationship with his mom.

Yep...I'm hoping you can stick around and post for a while.  I think this idea deserves a thread of it's own and some deliberate work on your part.

Now that a court has essentially validated that "mom's sick" and not able to care for her son, it's somewhat safe to relay that in age appropriate ways to S8.  I'm hoping you can get a professional involved and my guess is they will advise you to be matter of fact about it and can guide you on "age appropriate". 

Said another way..I'm convince it should "not be a secret" and be something you guys can talk openly about..but not dwell on.  How you actually do that is well beyond my paygrade.

Let me switch gears to nuts and bolts.

Does the divorce decree specify "how" the texting should occur and when that should occur.  Or does it give you complete discretion?


Most likely you are going to need to get a text number "just" for that purposes or perhaps one of the court apps where GAL and others can see it all there.

Most likely you will need to block her from any and all other communications, once you have verified the new avenue is open and working.

I think you should go out of your way to send reminders and "calendar invites" to her (again perhaps through a gmail you set up ONLY to communicate with her so it's incredibly easy for you to "prove" that you have held up your end.

Sadly...you know that she may use her "pain" of being put through this to "get better" or perhaps she will use her pain to lash out more.  Her choice.  Grieve and limit yourself to "proving" you have one your part and a bit more (such as reminders and invites).

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

She tried calling a bunch yesterday.  I only picked up once, and she urged me to defy the order and allow them to video chat.  When I told her that I wasn't going to do that, she started swearing and hung up on me.

The court decision issued a wonderful Boundary for you.  Embrace it.  Understand that we here have normal feeling and our sense of fairness can sabotage strong boundaries.  Don't weaken the court order by noncompliance or that would be sabotaging yourself and your son.  Your ex is of course expected to go though some extinction bursts.  That's on her.

But I'm struggling with how this will affect S8's relationship with his mom.

Remember the skills and tools you learned here.  One that comes to my mind is that you never give confusing and frankly contradictory comments such as "but she still loves you".  Don't get in the middle of things like that.  It is what it is.  Let him be a kid and keep the adult decisions away from him.

Also be aware that sometimes kids may feel like it's their fault and they may not even voice that or know how to voice that.

What level was your son's contact with his mother during the past year?

[I Am Redeemed]

Also be aware that sometimes kids may feel like it's their fault and they may not even voice that or know how to voice that.

This is where play therapy can be a real benefit. Play therapists can use a variety of activities such as drawing, painting, computer art, dolls, music, games, etc., to help the child express and process things when they may not have the verbal skills to do so.

It's hard when a child needs to be protected from the other parent. It can be sad and necessary at the same time.

[mart555]

But I'm struggling with how this will affect S8's relationship with his mom.

It can be pretty damn good.  When my ex refused supervised visits for a year or so and would only do a video chat with the kids every week, that's when my kids healed the most. 

S8's relationship with his mom isn't the goal:  the ultimate goal is for your son to be well.  To thrive in live.  The relationship with the mom will always be broken because she has a personality disorder.  My kids relationship will their mom will always be broken, and the relationship they had before was likely fake, just like the relationship I had with her. 

Nothing prevents you down the road from offering more calls or visits to your son, if you see that it could be beneficial and healthy. But now, you have a court order that provides a super good boundary.  If you did not have that court order, the ex wouldn't stop asking for more time, and that gets annoying really fast especially when they start alienation (ie: you don't want to visit me more because you are doing what dad says)

Things take time to heal, and to do that you need a secure environment. Now both you and your son have a piece of paper that will tremendously help with that.