At a Loss

[CptRedBeard]

Hello all, this is my first post, though my mom previously communicated with some people here some years ago. I'm writing sort of on behalf of her. She's recently hit a depressive blockade so it's difficult for her to motivate to help herself (she's non-bp).

She and her sister grew up with a mother who had BPD. My mother, being the eldest, became the caretaker for both her mother and her sister given my grandmother's negligent parenting. My grandfather died when they were teenagers, only causing more reliance on each other. My mom and aunt became very close through their trauma and have relied on each other well into their adult years. However, in the last few years, it's become evident that my aunt very likely has BPD herself and has taken quite a bit of therapy for my mother to untangle herself from taking care of her sister at the cost of her own well-being. Their relationship has soured due to drama with my teenage cousins, as well as her growing disdain for me (she doesn't like me because I'm "smart"). At this point, my mom has distanced herself quite a bit emotionally and has had therapists suggest ending the relationship, but that's easier said than done. The result of my mom's trauma from her mother is that she's an excellent "caretaker" though doesn't have many relationships and tends to prefer her own company. She's a single mom and her last romantic relationship was with my father 20-something years ago. Her sister used to be her best friend and it hurts when she's treated like an acquaintance as she talks to her about empty nothings on the phone and doesn't include her in anything serious happening in her life. She mourns for the relationship she used to have, as recently as a year ago (my aunt left her husband and her whole personality changed, then it changed back as she got back with him). She's afraid to bring up the possibility of a diagnosis as she knows it would likely be taken with offense, but she misses her and feels sad to know she'll never have her back.

It's a long read and obviously there's more in between the lines to be expanded upon, but I was hoping someone might have some guidance or... something? Much appreciated.

If more detail is of assistance, I don't mind sharing, just didn't want to info-dump.

[pursuingJoy]

She mourns for the relationship she used to have, as recently as a year ago (my aunt left her husband and her whole personality changed, then it changed back as she got back with him). She's afraid to bring up the possibility of a diagnosis as she knows it would likely be taken with offense, but she misses her and feels sad to know she'll never have her back.

I think this is one of the hardest parts of BPD - mourning the loss of a relationship that was, or one that could have been. It is so painful.

It must be hard to see your mom face down this depression. Does she take any medication or see a therapist?

[Notwendy]

I think it's fair to say that many of us here grieve our relationships with our BPD family member and the people who are in their circle.

We wish things were different. We wish we had a caring and loving relationship with our family members but it just isn't what we wish it would be and we can't change that.

I think it's fair to say we also fear other family members turning against us, because if it has happened, we know it can happen. Even if you would not ever feel poorly towards your mother, she may feel that.

For me, I know my mother is capable of being hurtful. I just didn't expect it from the family members who don't have BPD. With her extended family, they have not been intentionally hurtful. I know they wouldn't be thinking "how can I be mean to NW" but my mother has told them lies about me, and since they may believe what she says, they act differently towards me.

You can't fix this for your mother. I would encourage her to seek counseling and treatment for her depression and feelings. I would also reassure her that your love for her doesn't change. They can't turn you against her.