Any suggestions on literature for daughter kinda left behind.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

   Ok, I’m trying be done with “me” on this site.
  Through it all I have kinda played both parents to my daughter. Mind you she was always provided for though she lived through it all. And it wasn’t normal.
   So anyway there has been some back and forth between her and her mother. Slight contacts.
   I do not pry. I do not comment except in the positive. I have no contact with ex.
  I do feel it’s very important that a child have their mother.
Maybe I’m wishing away the “problem” when it comes between those two.
  Ok I am wishing away the problem. My daughter won’t. She gets pissed at me when I neglect to acknowledge all the trauma.
And she is right.
   So.. I am wondering if anyone has any good literature titles I can provide to my daughter.
   I am seeing how she has a wall around her. Maybe she is smart.  Maybe she needs guidance. I’m I’ll equipped but I’m sure this is a common consequence. 
   

[Goosey]

   Ok, I’m trying be done with “me” on this site.
  Through it all I have kinda played both parents to my daughter. Mind you she was always provided for though she lived through it all. And it wasn’t normal.
   So anyway there has been some back and forth between her and her mother. Slight contacts.
   I do not pry. I do not comment except in the positive. I have no contact with ex.
  I do feel it’s very important that a child have their mother.
Maybe I’m wishing away the “problem” when it comes between those two.
  Ok I am wishing away the problem. My daughter won’t. She gets pissed at me when I neglect to acknowledge all the trauma.
And she is right.
   So.. I am wondering if anyone has any good literature titles I can provide to my daughter.
   I am seeing how she has a wall around her. Maybe she is smart.  Maybe she needs guidance. I’m I’ll equipped but I’m sure this is a common consequence. 
   

[kells76]

Hey goosey

Could you please remind me how old she is? That will impact some of the suggestions.

happy end of the weekend,

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Since your daughter is grown, have you tried introducing her to counseling?  It need not be your counselor (I hope you have one!) and maybe she'd do well with one your counselor recommends.  It sounds like she's trying to get you to deal with the past too, right?  While books are fine, the human touch with someone trained to address the fallout from pwBPD exposure may be quite invaluable.

By the way, I shifted into Electronics in high school so I never had calculus classes.  I did borrow a book and got lost by page 20.  Miss one point and boom it's lostville.  And that's from someone who led two classes in Geometry and got the school's medal for it as a freshman.

[kells76]

She gets pissed at me when I neglect to acknowledge all the trauma.

Would she be ready for something like "Understanding the Borderline Mother", then? It is a LOT. But if she's in a "let's just rip the band-aid off" place in life, that would certainly be a conversation starter.

[Goosey]

Daughter is 22.
    Her mother was a very attentive mother. We spoiled our daughter though it was a very dysfunctional household.
  I am responsible for a portion of that. Hindsight and reflection makes me ashamed of my behavior. I could try to use the “didn’t understand” excuse but still…. I made mistakes.
   The remaining couple years before the final separation was  very intense and destructive on all. Daughter totally disengaged from her mother. It’s just been recently there has been some contact. My daughter read my copy of “stop walking on eggshells”. I will get a copy of the title you recommend Kells. Worst she does it toss it haha.  And she has had counseling Sporadically Forever Dad. Just hard to find the time is both our excuse.
   I’m not pushing her too much. That backfires every time.  It would be nice to see some detente between them. 
    Yes here I go trying to “fix”.
  I would love a “come clean” discussion just for the good of all involved. Maybe I’m dreaming.(I am, ex would attack me I’m sure ) Maybe it’s just better to not poke the bear and let it happen (or not) naturally.
   Frankly I get concerned with my daughters flash anger over issues we still have to contend with. It’s just mundane things at this point. Car insurance policies basically.
  Think i talked myself into a decision to just let it pan out as it may. I can only screw it up by doing anything but nothing.
   

[Cat Familiar]

Kells suggestion is a good one. I struggled for years thinking there was something *wrong* with me, and at the same time knowing that there was something *off* with my mother. I just couldn’t define it.

Mother’s give daughters a template of what it is to be a woman. And even though we know much of what we’ve heard from a BPD mom is wrong, we don’t have information to fill in the gap between what we’ve been told and what we now know.

Your daughter may or may not be interested at this time in reading this book, but I would guess at some point in the future, she’d refer to it.

[Notwendy]

I do feel it’s very important that a child have their mother.
Maybe I’m wishing away the “problem” when it comes between those two.


It doesn't help when people sugar coat this. Yes, I agree that it's important for a child to have a mother. But that doesn't meant the mother they have is able to fulfil this role for them whether they are in contact with them or not.

I am middle age with an elderly BPD mother. Since it was assumed something was wrong with me that our relationship wasn't close mother-daughter, I have tried for decades to make it better- assumed responsibility for it with family members expecting me to make it better.

Maybe your daughter doesn't want a relationship with her mother because it's toxic. Maybe she can't fix it because the issues aren't hers to fix. After all- you left her mother because it didn't work for you. Why do you expect her to tolerate what you didn't? Or on the other hand, if they do have some contact, maybe it's the best she can do at this time?

She gets pissed at me when I neglect to acknowledge all the trauma.

You bet. I wish my father would have acknowledged it as well. Because to not do this was invalidating.

You see, it's very different from the child's point of view. This doesn't mean it wasn't tough for you either. I know how hard this was for my father. I have empathy for what he went through and know he did the best he could with a tough situation.

You can divorce an unhappy marriage. You can move on, get a new wife, have a happy marriage. We can not get another mother. We can only do the best we can with the mother we have.

Be honest, acknowledge the trauma with her. Validate her. She needs to believe you truly care about her and your love is consistent and also unconditional. Children need a mother but they also need a father. For every daughter, that first "love" is her Dad. Her hero. She needs that Dad, even at 22.

[Goosey]

Thank you. You are correct.
   I’m wishing on a rainbow sometimes.
I appreciate your perspective.

[Notwendy]

Thanks, I am glad you appreciate it.

It's a bit scary for me to type out how it feels because the usual response from my father and other relatives has been to be angry at me.

How dare you speak like that about your mother.

My dad also had to take on the role of both parents and it surely was tough. But someone had to do it and thank goodness he did. And I also didn't expect him to do much for me once I became an adult but I still wanted a parent- adult child relationship with him.

I also wished for validation of my own reality.  I think basically I needed affirmation that I am OK, I am good enough, my efforts are good enough because it is impossible for my mother to do that.

You can do this for your daughter.  

[Goosey]

Actually called my daughter (as I usually do) on my way home from the job. Told her I was sorry I kinda dismiss the awful situations that she alone had to bear while I was working or…. Well before the police or fire trucks showed up(literally).
    Ugh. ….   How could I just expect my daughter to not have her guard (boundaries) up? 
    How dare I have this “give her one more chance” crap in my mind when I know damn well both of us lived through it. 
    Told her my bad.
   And it’s all ok. We talk about it. I listen. She listens.
     So here it is I think with me. I feel bad for my ex / her mother.  I feel bad that our daughter has a boundary up to shield herself. I feel so sorry for my ex that she is so f”Ed up her own daughter has a wall up. That’s it. And that’s my bad. I really do appreciate you pointing that out. I needed it.
   
     
   
   
   

[Goosey]

And I do tell her it’s ok.
  She seems to be having a couple moments she shares that at this point of her life she should be in a different position. She got her associates last year but I honestly had to shelve this semester of classes due to divorce payout. I did tell her (again) to that I am  happy (I am she’s my kid) to pony up for the next available semester. She is undecided (to put it mildly) on a career path.
    I do tell her that all us kin (on my side) where late bloomers and there is no urgency though to keep in the college system is certainly not a bad thing to have under your belt. 
    And it’s obvious I didn’t go to college because I’m not sure if I’m spelling about a bunch of pictures mashed together or upper education haha.
   Thanks again. 
   You’ve been a great help today.

[Notwendy]

Goosey,

I am so glad for you and your daughter that you did this. It makes such a difference.

The college offer. That means a lot

Sometimes there was money to help with college for me and sometimes not. One time Dad said " I can't pay tuition because mother wants some new furniture".

Yes, it was his money to spend and I didn't expect it, but these kinds of statements told me where I stood in the family. New furniture ( the furniture they had was fine) seemed more important to them than me going to college was how this felt to me at that age.

Knowing the dynamics, that's not completely accurate. My going to college was important to him but the dynamics were such that saying no to my mother's wishes would be very difficult. I understand the situation better now, but didn't at age 20.

College is expensive and not all parents can help with it fully, but when they do help according  to what they can, I think it shows their child that they too are invested in them. (Of course it's a two way agreement and if the student isn't also doing their part to go to class and study, the parent can hold support until the student is ready to give it effort )I also agree with you that there's no hurry, especially now with Covid-19 possibly affecting how classes are taught, some students are waiting until this hopefully gets stable. For students who are in the middle of college or know their career path, they need to continue so they graduate in time, but for an undecided student- she can work, or maybe take a class online, or go part time.

I don't know if you have considered discussing counseling for her. One issue with having a BPD parent is not knowing who we are. Since the focus for our family was doing what my mother wanted, I wasn't really sure what I wanted.  It's not unusual for students to struggle with what they want to study in college, but considering what she's gone through, it could be helpful to her to work with a counselor to help with processing the family dynamics and emotions from that.

Once she does decide, your being there for her means a lot. How much you can help her influences her choices. She may need to finish her degree at a less expensive state college rather than a private one to avoid too much debt. That's OK- the important part is that she knows she matters to you. And if she doesn't want to go to college, that doesn't change this.

I am so happy for both of you that you have started connecting with your daughter this way.

[Goosey]

Out kinda the blue daughter applied back to college. .
 Picked psychology to complete her bachelors.
    Humorous in a sarcastic way we agreed.
  She seems motivated. I’m happy to oblige. Good for her and me to have some forward progression.
   
 

[Notwendy]

That's great!

I am glad the two of you have this opportunity to connect again.

[formflier]

 

What career path is she interested in that led her to pick psychology?

Best,

FF