Cat is a huge trigger of conflict

[Chosen]

I'm really stressed out recently because our cat has become a huge source of conflict.  He's 10; we've had him since 2 weeks old (weren't living together nor married then; the cat first lived with me).  He's a scardey cat and doesn't warm up to people except us.  Lately it seems uBPDh is at a breaking point and he has, more than once, argued that I'm sacrificing him and the kids for the sake of the cat.

A bit of background:
- uBPDh is a full time dad after D5 was born.  So he is the main carer of D5 &D3.
- I didn't do much to integrate the cat into their lives when kids were born, and cat may strike when scared (like, hit you once then he will run away himself), so both kids were a bit scared of him.  I've been trying to re-introduce them and seems the kids are interested and wants to spend time with the cat
- at times the cat will have behaviourial problems.  We changed his litterbox recently and he's peed a few times outside, in the room

So uBPDh spends most of the time at home, so he mostly takes care of the cat.  He has claimed that having the cat is taking away his time of taking care of the kids (e.g. when he has to clean up the cat and the kids will get ignored), he says the cat cannot live with kids (which I'm trying hard to rectify), and that by keeping the cat I'm putting the cat above everybody else in the household.  He has, more than once, suggested putting the cat down (where we're from, it's quite clear no shelter would take him, or even if they do, they will put him down due to "aggression" as it may take years, if ever, for him to warm up to new people).  He says that he loves the cat and doesn't want that either, but he loves the kids more, and he doesn't think it is fair to sacrifice the wellbeing of people for the sake of an animal.

Basically, I was very much against it, but I know where he's coming from.  And finally I agreed that if I can't successfully help the two parties live in peace, if the kids, even with our effort, are afraid of the cat and the cat cannot "accept" them, then he may have to go.  But so far, I've been working on getting them familiar with each other and it seems to be going ok.  However, whenever the cat causes any other problems (like peed somewhere else), he would be texting me to complain and of course it wouldn't just be about the cat.  He would personally attack me, say I use him, treat him like dirt, I've always been like that, taking advantage of him, etc.

So I think it's not about the cat, but clearly now the cat has been painted black (and so have I).  I realise I am very invalidating a lot of times and I know it adds up so I can't blame him for having such feelings.  Problem is, I can't control what my cat does and often I'm on eggshells about what the cat will be up to today and how will he react.  How it will be used to show how bad I am.  On the other hand, I can't say to him "let's just put the cat down" because it is a cat I have loved for 10 years.  I know if I killed him down to "save my marriage" I will resent this forever. 

But at this moment I'm just feel really stuck and stressed; it does feel like both the life of my cat and my marriage are hanging on by a thread!  I don't really know what to do... 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Chosen! 

Welcome! Thank you for reaching out. Imho I think that's one of the first big steps. 

So I think it's not about the cat, but clearly now the cat has been painted black (and so have I).  I realise I am very invalidating a lot of times and I know it adds up so I can't blame him for having such feelings.

Kudos to you for grasping these things. There is a lot more going on behind the scene. Is there anyone who can take the cat for you? It sounds like there aren't many options open to you where you live.

You mentioned that you don't feel validating. Here are two links that might be helpful:

Stop being invalidating: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

Validation examples: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

 
Wools

[Cat Familiar]

As a cat aficionado, a 10 year old cat likely has a lot of years ahead of him. And it is possible to “re-educate” older cats who are set in their ways.

Right now, your cat doesn’t feel safe. Undoubtedly he’s picking up on the stress in the household and that much of it is directed to him.

Is there a way you can set aside a room for him where he can have some privacy and feel more secure? Some people create “catios” which are enclosed patios connected to the house that are fenced with wire mesh top and sides, and then there are window enclosures that allow cats to safely experience outdoor air and sunshine while protected from predators.

Cats have a high level of emotional intelligence and can sense when people are not trustworthy. Currently your cat feels very vulnerable.

[Cat Familiar]

If there’s not a room where the cat can reside, conflict-free, does he have a place where he can hide? In a closet? Under a bed?

I’ve provided my shy house kitty with a *cat cave*, a felted woolen hideaway. You can find them online. Even a cardboard box with a hole cut in the side and a blanket will do.

Some people have success with Felaway, a pheromone that calms cats. I haven’t tried it so I can’t give you any feedback about it.

If it’s not the cat, your partner will undoubtedly have some other issue arise. What do you suppose underlies his discomfort?

[Chosen]

The cat has a room to his own a lot of the times when he needs to be locked away (as I said, he's a scardey cat, kids are unpredictable, they're being reintroduced to each other and it seems ok under adult supervision but we wouldn't leave them for long periods alone at the moment, for the peace of mind).  His food and water and litter box is in there.  But we have changed the litter box recently so that could be an issue.  But H just says "he's always been like this, you are just in denial..."

This morning he said to me, "You know I don't mind looking after him and spending time on him.  It's just that you never prioritise me."  I think this is a big indication of the issue (it is not just about the cat).  But I don't know what to do to make him feel I prioritise him- after all, when he is at home he has to deal with the cat.  Any suggestions?

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll mull over thoughts on how to make your husband feel prioritized, but in the meantime, has the kitty had a recent vet checkup? Male cats that age are prone to urinary disorders. And change of litter can be an issue.

[Cat Familiar]

The dictionary defines prioritize as designating something more important than other things. Do you know what would make your husband feel like he’s more important than anything else?

Do you know each other’s Love Language?  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

My husband’s is Words of Affirmation and mine is Acts of Service. It’s not my nature to say flowery words of love and appreciation, but that’s what is meaningful to him.

For me, I hear things like that, and I think, “That’s nice, but what does he want?”  

When he helped me pick peaches from our tree yesterday (unasked)—that made me feel loved!

Could it be that you are not speaking his love language and the ways you’ve been showing him love and support aren’t registering?

[formflier]

FFw's love language is touch.  I can "make lots of relationship money" by hanging out on couch and resting hand on her shoulder or neck.  

I highly recommend the love language thing.

Cats:  I'm a fan and we haven't had one for over a year...(wait for it)..until (a couple days ago) we took in an apparently elderly stray that is skin and bones.  He has perked up after a couple days of good food and getting rid of mites and whatever other things were on him.

I'll take Cat Familiar at her word that a cat can be "retrained"...never tried it.  I once tried to rehabilitate a rooster that turned mean and was attacking our children.  Didn't go so well...he ended up in the cookpot.

So...after hopefully establishing my animal lover credentials, I think it's only fair to nudge you to realize and verbalize to your husband...often, that you are "asking" a LOT of him and that you appreciate it.  (great place to the show him appreciate through love langauges)

Also...very important to separate issues into buckets...keep separate things separate.

The cat and it's rehabilitation is completely separate.

BPD...keep it over in a different bucket and also realize the cat is aggravating that (not the cause of it)

How the kids relate to the cat is also kinda a separate thing.

Last for now.  Can the cat go into the room and stay there until you come home?  Maybe you can be the one to introduce kids to cat.  In fact..I would have to imagine that having one person in charge of this aspect will raise chances of it going well.

Best,

FF

[Chosen]

Thanks for all your advice.  I will definitely be reading up on the love languages.  I mean, I know about it but haven't really given much thought to it.  In addition to being invalidating, I know I must be doing something wrong so nothing seems to be going through to uBPDh.  I will think about it and try something new.

Can the cat go into the room and stay there until you come home?  Maybe you can be the one to introduce kids to cat.  In fact..I would have to imagine that having one person in charge of this aspect will raise chances of it going well.

This is basically what's happening.  Actually, the "reintroduction" thing is going rather well, although I keep it slow (so the kids don't get overexcited and scare the cat, or vice versa).  But the difficult bit is that when I try to do that on a weekday, uBPDh would say I'm putting the cat first.  I should just deal with the cat after the kids are asleep.  I'm still trying to figure out how to incorporate "cat time" into their night routines without making uBPDh feel like I'm causing the kids to miss out on other things.

[formflier]

  I'm putting the cat first.  

So...is there a kernel of truth here?  Why not be overly OVERLY obvious about putting your hubby FIRST and then the cat second..or sixth..or 9th.

Can you sketch out the night.  I get home and then 1 and then 2 and then 3...then the cat gets let out..then hubby gets weird..

That kind of thing.

BPD is not "solvable"...but lot of things that inflame BPD are solvable.  This seems to me to be in that category...ummm...CAT e gory...    Come on someone give me a thumbs up!



Best,

FF