Going to take a lot to heal from this hurt

[akiceman]

Hello. My wife and I are parents to an 18 year daughter. We adopted her from foster care many years ago. When she was 14, she was diagnosed with BPD by her therapist (she has all 9 symptoms). This was on top of the other diagnoses she we knew about. To say it has been a struggle is a understatement. DD has multiple hospitalizations, intensive home therapy twice and out patient/ day treatment.  Yet, she refused to do therapy. She got kicked out of her DBT group, because she made the others and the therapist uncomfortable. She was able to manipulate one of her therapist in to saying there was nothing wrong and that my wife and I were the problem.

DD has told us for years that once she turned 18, she was going to leave, as she didn't like our rules (normal teen rules). Once she turned 18, she told us there was nothing we could do and started acting out even worst than before (didn't think it was possible). She started to destroy more items at home and became even more physical with me (thankful not her mother) when she did not get her way (almost always over a boy). In December, she went to an old boyfriend (20 or 21 yr old) who was staying at his best friend parent's house. She would stay there until 2-3 am and then come home because the best friend's mother told her she couldn't stay overnight. We told DD if she was going to keep going over there, she'd have to leave (Covid risks and my wife had health concerns at the time). We even packed up her clothes and put them on the porch when she wouldn't stop. DD cried and said she would change. She didn't. She kept going over until Christmas Eve, when she came home drunk and high because the boyfriend cheated on her with 2 14 year olds that live at the house. We let DD stay and she was fine for 2 days. She then reached out to the ex-boyfriend's best friend (20) and said she would only go over to the house so she could see him. The best friend then let DD return and she started dating him. She moved out in March after the bf's mom said she could live there, even though she told us she knows DD lies to her because she makes her son happy.

The new boyfriend controls everything she does. DD almost dropped out of school because the bf's family said education was a waste of time. Only reason she was able to graduate was because I teach at her school. She is not going to college because the bf doesn't want her to (she had a full ride to her dream school). He has threaten me several times and his family has threaten DD bio sister. The bf's family is letting the 14 year old child (grand daughter) "date" the 20 year ex boy friend of our DD. Needless to say, it is not a good environment.

DD has not been to her therapist since March. She has been on and off of her meds (we think she may be sharing them, as the bf is in to drugs). The only reason the bf's mom has my phone number is because DD took all of her meds at once in Jan and the mom asked her who to call in case of an OD. 

The only time we hear from DD is when she wants/ needs something. She has to walk everywhere because no one in her bf's family drives. She has to pay his friend to take her places. We try to keep a relationship w DD by inviting her to come with us to like the mall, since she has no way to get there. We have told DD no many times when she needs a ride somewhere, as we have keep boundaries with her (no best of both worlds).

Last week, DD asked us to take her to get her license. She made the appointment without any way to get to the DMV 2 weeks prior. We said yes, since she needed some form of ID. We told her she would be responsible for any fees, since we were not paying for it (we would have paid had she moved back home). She went in to do the test. She texted us a few minutes later and told us she needed insurance and the car. Where we live, the road test is not required as long as other requirements have been met. We told her no, as we've told her years that if she wasn't in school or working from home that she would not get the car. She was mad and made us take her back to the bf's house. She left without saying anything and we had not heard from her for about a week.

We reached out to her yesterday to see how she was. She answered with 1-2 words. We invited her to come to a movie tomorrow with us and she said yes. She texted about an hour ago and said she had plans and that she wasn't going to go (think her bf or his family told her it was a bad idea). I called to see what's going on and DD pretty much said that my wife and I are the problem and that we never cared about her. She also said the only reason we are calling is because we want to control her and that we can't in this situation. She said the only one that cares for her is her bf and his family and that everything is our fault. She then said that if we really cared, we would have called her last week to see how she was. I tried to explain that if we didn't care about her, we would not be talking to her now. She then told us she was going to take a nap.

We know that BPD tough and have lived through many episodes with DD. However, for some reason, the comment about we don't care about her really hurts. I almost would rather be punched again in the face by her than feel the way I do. Since DD has left, I have often struggled with sleep or to go back to sleep, as my mind races with if I have done something wrong or wondering of she is safe (she has come home to visit with bruises from "bike fall" or "running  in to things"). We know that right now, my wife and I are "Bad" and the her BF and his family are "Good". However, my heart is aching. We know that next week, she may reach out to us like nothing happened. It is so stressful and painful know there is nothing we can do. I feel so down right now...

Sorry for the long rant, but I needed to get this off my chest with others who understand. While many people offer advice and mean well, they just don't get what it is like to have a child with BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Akiceman,

   I’m so very sorry to know that you and your wife are going through this. I am glad you have reached out to us; it can be such a lonely road when our peers can’t relate. When we walk with beloved BPD children, for years, supporting them, actively loving them, cheering their successes on, then to be rejected and devalued, accused, we are down in the depths of grief. I know, with our adult son (in his proclaimed 2nd estrangement and vilification of us), we’re experiencing  a sorrowful sense of loss.
   One thing my husband and I are grateful for is that our marriage survived for 41 years, when there were many times that our son’s rages and social problems tore at our unity and wore us to a frazzle. Self-care and protection of our marriage became a focus for us. We are learning to give ourselves grace.
    You say that you lie awake, hashing over what you may’ve done that’s regrettable. I’ve been down that road, and I’ve found it can be so spirit-draining and oppressive to the soul. We’ve begun to recount and reflect on the many ways we have loved and supported him. Remembering these times lifts our spirits and fends off unwarranted and energy-draining self-flagellation. Self-care and  giving grace to ourselves are so vital, I think.
   A mantra, here, that I’ve found comforting is the three C’s: I didn’t cause it; I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. Please keep us updated. We are walking this painful road,  beside one another.
  

 

[akiceman]

Still Water,

Thank you so much for those kind words and thoughts. It is nice to hear from someone who understands what my wife and I are going through. Self care is something I really must work on, as I am drained. I will work on thinking about good experiences when my mind starts to go down that tough road. Thank you so much for your suggestion!

[akiceman]

Quick update, as my wife and I are trying to figure out what to do. Our daughter moved back home for 6 hours about two weeks ago. She unexpectedly called crying saying she needed to come home. We picked her up and took some of her stuff home after the boyfriend's mom told her to get all of her stuff out of the house by morning. Our daughter seemed to be relaxed and calm when she got home.

At 11:45pm, she knocked on our bedroom door and said that she had to go back to her boyfriend due to separation anxiety. She would not let us drive her back. We saw that he was chatting with her on the her phone and she quickly shut the screen off. We dropped off her belongings again the next day. We let her know that the door is open for her to return home and that we love her.

We have noticed bruises on our daughter when she comes to visit (usually when the boyfriend is at his friend's house). This past week, my wife and I took a cruise to refill ourselves, something we neglected to do while our daughter was at home. We texted and called her the day we left to check on her and let her know that she could get in touch with us to help with any abandonment  she might feel (she knew we were going on a cruise for 2 months, but just in case). We got no response. Two days later, we get a message that she was not able to contact us because her boyfriend got mad and took her charger (her phone was dead).

A few minutes ago, my wife got a message on Instagram from our daughter's best friend. Our daughter contacted him for the first time since she left home in March (boyfriend doesn't want her to talk with other boys or her friends) the during the few hours she returned home. The friend let us know that our daughter needs to move from the boyfriends house because the boyfriend has been chocking and hitting her. The friend said he wanted to tell us earlier, but our daughter made him promise not to say anything.

We are so angry at what is happening and scared for our daughter. We feel powerless. At 18, we don't think there is anything we can do. We are worried that if we bring it up to her, it will push her closer to boyfriend. And yet, if we do nothing, things could get worst. The boyfriend's family is pretty messed up and the only ones without a record are the children (not making this up). Any advice would be helpful.

[marzipan67]

Akaiceman, I am so sorry that you are going through this. The story about your daughter sounds so much like my DD that it is appalling. I am glad that we have these forums and am new here myself, but just wanted you to know that I understand all too well what you are going through.

I've been there, done that, with my daughter calling me to say her latest love interest had hit her, shoved her, or abandoned her in a bad neighborhood to make her own way home. Hang in there and keep posting!

[akiceman]

It's been a tough day today. My daughter sent a text saying "he did it again" with a picture at 6am as my wife and I were getting ready to go to work. I texted "we are on the way" and my wife called the police. We get to the house and texted "come out now, we are here". DD responded "no". The police show up and the bf comes to the door. They ask for my daughter and she comes out and goes off! They lead her up the street so we can talk and my daughter denied ever sending the text or the picture, saying "check my phone". She told the police that I was doing this because I don't like the bf. The officer explained to her about the text (he showed it to her) and she denied it. Our daughter then told my wife and I that she wanted no contact with us. The bf father sent me a text 30 mins after the police threating my with trespassing if my wife and I ever came back (we have never stepped on their property, btw). The family knows about the abuse but keep my daughter there because she is one of two people with a job in a house of 10 or so people.

The police let us know that they knew the house and the family well, but since there was no probable cause (daughter had a fever blister and said she bit it, though we know she did not) and that daughter wouldn't press charges, there was nothing they could do. Our daughter has blocked all the ways to contact her. Her sister was blocked, as well. The bf has made her cut off contact with all of friends already. We know that BPD+ being a domestic violence victim is not a good combo and that it not our daughter's fault, but my wife and I are really hurting. We sometimes wish that being 18 was the magic number of being considered an adult. The one good thing that came from this today was that they told the bf if they are called out there again for DV, the police become the injury party and that he will go to jail, whether our daughter presses charges or not.