Marriage coaching

[NonnyMouse]

When my wife's threats of divorce became serious and she contacted lawyers and we moved into separate rooms I researched marriage coaching. I found someone who turned out to be really good, and his advice stabilized the relationship, and it started to get better. (But still with the threat of divorce and separate rooms but not the daily arguments). (I don't know whether I can mention his name here?)

I then (re)discovered BPD, and found out about all the "tools" etc. It turns out that many of the tools described here are similar to the advice that the coach was giving!

However...this coach doesn't seem to believe in BPD! Even though many of his clients must be in relationships with one! This is really annoying because I can't help feeling that if this coach were to learn about BPD then he could do wonders for us all!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Is your marriage coach a licensed therapisy/counselor? Or is he Certified Coach?

I ask because I am a Certified Executive and Organizational Coach, and I am a member of the International Coach Federation. One of the aspects of coaching that we are tested on during the certification process is what to do when it becomes evident that a client has an emotional or mental issue that required the help of a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor. We are supposed to recommended that they consult someone qualified to help them, and clarify what we, as coaches, can or cannot do for them.

So unless your Marriage Coach is an M.D., clinical psychologist, LMFT, or some other type of therapist, he would not be expected to recognize BPD nor should he attempt to work with you without some other intervention that would address the BPD.I

For example, I have turned down several requests to "coach" an employee/executive whose behavior was problematic. For one thing, coaching is supposed to work from the strengths of a person, not "fix" a performance problem. Also, I suspected the an emotional or mental disorder was at play, and coaching rarely addresses those.

[NonnyMouse]

No, I don't think he is any of those things. And he isn't claiming to be.

I wondered if he would be able to collaborate with a suitable therapist if he suspected that a mental health issue was involved.

One thing he emphasized is how we can't change our partners, only ourselves. Similar to the advice here. And yet he believes that one person can help make vast improvements in a relationship. Again same here. The latter does seem at conflict with classical marriage counselling which suggests that both parties need to be involved. That's why I said "coaching" rather than "counselling."

Basically, there's lots of overlap between what he does and what is recommended here.

I think I should emphasize again that he's not claiming to be anything other than a coach. He's not trying to change our SO. But he doesn't seem to realize the possible role of mental health in relationship problems.

Does that make sense?

[GaGrl]

You seem to have confidence in this person's coaching ability, and you feel it is in line with what you see  here.

Is your spouse diagnosed?

Is it possible for you to have a one-on-one conversation with your marriage coach about your concerns about your spouse's mental health and whether your coach could collaborate with a mental health professional?

[NonnyMouse]

No, not diagnosed.

When I mentioned BPD to him he brushed me off with "If she has a disorder why didn't you know about it at the start?" I only had a chance to speak to him briefly and couldn't expand on what BPD is.

It's a strange situation because he does this coaching as a business, and it's a very successful business. He gets great reviews, and I have to say that I have also found it extremely helpful. (Part of that is because the advice is often initially counterintuitive, like the advice here. But after a while it all makes perfect sense.)

I know from running my own business that the last thing a business owner wants is to have some know-it-all tell them how to do it better!

My own therapist was of the "It takes two to Tango" school, i.e. both parties need to be on board for any changes in a relationship. She is an expert in BPD and I think she is quite impressed at how I've stabilized things. E.g. my wife recently started therapy herself. Now she's talking about medication. She knows she is not well.

I'm rambling! I just feel that there are possibilities here. A lot of tools that we have here plus someone who gets results in non-BPD situations.