Ex called about having suicidal thoughts and wanting to spend time at my home

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I’ve been about a year and a half out from my relationship with my BPDex husband. It was tough in the beginning, but after selling our old home and after I found a new one for myself and our two sons, and once we reached an agreement regarding child support (after a long  battle), it’s been at times tough but ok - all things considered. I am taking care of everything related to our sons (now 5 and 12), and they visit their dad every other weekend. I don’t miss my ex or the relationship anymore, and am more focused on dealing with the traumas of the relationship and slowly building a new life.

Communication with my BPDex has been neutral and very limited during the past 6 months or so. Surprisingly only oddity has been that my ex will do anything to avoid looking even at my direction. But oh well, I can live with that considering what it has been.

That said, a couple of weeks ago he started sending me emails  about what he does with the boys during his weekend, as if we were together again. Major red flag as he has not said much to me in any way or format unless if he absolutely had to for such a long time. I got a strong feeling that something is not right.

And right I was. Earlier this week he called me (I don’t even remember when he has last called me, maybe sometime early 2020…) crying and saying he has been having suicidal thoughts for the last couple of weeks and can’t take care of the boys. He says he has an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist and has medication, but he was pretty hysterical. He went on about regretting  how his behaviour destroyed our marriage and all that.

I did my best to stay neutral but supportive and of course I’ll take care of the boys while he’s not ok, to put it mildly. I have a concern though that he might actually harm himself, and am not sure what to do here. He says he has medication and has called his doctor and they are aware of his situation. I feel I should ask him daily something to make sure he’s ok. Also his closest friend knows the situation.

He has threatened with harming himself if he does not get his way during our marriage, and some things in the call and in his messages gave me the impression he might think he could be thinking of coming back to me. For instance, he said he would feel better if only he could start coming to my home to take care of the boys during his weekends, also  some week nights. Totally not ok, of course.

I don’t know, has anybody been in a similar situation? My feelings are a mix of worry, sadness and also dissapointment in getting sucked back into the drama.

[Marianne-11]

Hi all,

I’ve been about a year and a half out from my relationship with my BPDex husband. It was tough in the beginning, but after selling our old home and after I found a new one for myself and our two sons, and once we reached an agreement regarding child support (after a long  battle), it’s been at times tough but ok - all things considered. I am taking care of everything related to our sons (now 5 and 12), and they visit their dad every other weekend. I don’t miss my ex or the relationship anymore, and am more focused on dealing with the traumas of the relationship and slowly building a new life.

Communication with my BPDex has been neutral and very limited during the past 6 months or so. Surprisingly only oddity has been that my ex will do anything to avoid looking even at my direction. But oh well, I can live with that considering what it has been.

That said, a couple of weeks ago he started sending me emails  about what he does with the boys during his weekend, as if we were together again. Major red flag as he has not said much to me in any way or format unless if he absolutely had to for such a long time. I got a strong feeling that something is not right.

And right I was. Earlier this week he called me (I don’t even remember when he has last called me, maybe sometime early 2020…) crying and saying he has been having suicidal thoughts for the last couple of weeks and can’t take care of the boys. He says he has an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist and has medication, but he was pretty hysterical. He went on about regretting  how his behaviour destroyed our marriage and all that.

I did my best to stay neutral but supportive and of course I’ll take care of the boys while he’s not ok, to put it mildly. I have a concern though that he might actually harm himself, and am not sure what to do here. He says he has medication and has called his doctor and they are aware of his situation. I feel I should ask him daily something to make sure he’s ok. Also his closest friend knows the situation.

He has threatened with harming himself if he does not get his way during our marriage, and some things in the call and in his messages gave me the impression he might think he could be thinking of coming back to me. For instance, he said he would feel better if only he could start coming to my home to take care of the boys during his weekends, also  some week nights. Totally not ok, of course.

I don’t know, has anybody been in a similar situation? My feelings are a mix of worry, sadness and also dissapointment in getting sucked back into the drama.

[kells76]

I did my best to stay neutral but supportive and of course I’ll take care of the boys while he’s not ok, to put it mildly.

You did great to focus on taking care of the boys. That's an excellent plan to "temporarily" care for them when their dad "isn't well".

I feel I should ask him daily something to make sure he’s ok. Also his closest friend knows the situation.

That's a tough one. In a way, he has placed responsibility for his well-being on you, but in a roundabout, covert fashion.

If the boys were with him, then maaaayyyybbbeee I'd lean toward some type of "well check" on him. But if the boys aren't with him, as "mean" as it may sound, it isn't your responsibility to check up on him, and it might not even be appropriate given your separated status. I think your feelings make a lot of sense and are giving you accurate information -- you feel worried and sad, and at the same time you also recognize that this is pulling you back in. And yeah, if someone wanted to pull in a former romantic partner, then a suicide threat would be the way to do it.

Yes, perhaps enlist a neutral friend to check on him, WITHOUT reporting back to you that he's fine... i.e., you get a report ONLY if there is something going on that would affect the boys' schedule, for instance.

And/or, share with ex -- if you feel comfortable doing so -- that as your sons' father, you care that he is doing OK, so when he lets you know he is feeling suicidal, you will let the authorities know, as you aren't trained to help at that level. Something like that.

Do you have any contact with his doctor? You could consider reaching out to Dr without telling ex, or telling ex that whenever he tells you he's suicidal, you will be calling his doctor.

I think there are lots of appropriate ways for him to get "checked on" that don't involve you, so that your time and energy can be spent caring for the kids instead.

Good to hear from you again;

kells76

[Cat Familiar]

Heartily agree with kells.

It’s a slippery slope to get involved with his mental health. That he has an upcoming psychiatric appointment and medication (from whom? Family doc?) is good. And that best friend and family doc are aware, he’s letting you know that he’s got eyes on him.

It certainly sounds like a plan to increase access with you. How do you feel about his way of trying to do that?

[LovelyRita50]

And right I was. Earlier this week he called me (I don’t even remember when he has last called me, maybe sometime early 2020…) crying and saying he has been having suicidal thoughts for the last couple of weeks and can’t take care of the boys. He says he has an appointment scheduled with a psychiatrist and has medication, but he was pretty hysterical. He went on about regretting  how his behaviour destroyed our marriage and all that.

I did my best to stay neutral but supportive and of course I’ll take care of the boys while he’s not ok, to put it mildly. I have a concern though that he might actually harm himself, and am not sure what to do here. He says he has medication and has called his doctor and they are aware of his situation. I feel I should ask him daily something to make sure he’s ok. Also his closest friend knows the situation.

I'm in my third year of a masters program to become a marriage and family therapist. I agree with what others have said that you are not the appropriate person to do "well checks" with your ex-husband, especially as he has used suicidal ideation to manipulate you in the past. Your only focus should be your children's welfare.

If your ex's psychiatrist determines he may follow through on suicidal thoughts, they will make a safety plan with him that will include appropriate sources of support. If he persists in trying to discuss things with you, ask him to talk with his support people. If he keeps at it, tell him you will call his doctor or 911, as you are not equipped to deal with suicidal threats. Follow through if you have to. His behavior will tell you a lot about whether this is an attempt to get his hooks back into you.

My ex wBPD used suicidal ideation in a similar fashion. My therapist gave me the same advice. Her response was to roll her eyes and say no when I asked her if she wanted me to call 911. Her behavior stopped pretty quickly when she realized I would not engage.

[Marianne-11]

Thank you so much for good advice Kells, Cat and Rita, and for helping me see this more clearly. I really appreciate you taking the time to help out  .

I don’t want to feel responsible for his life, I most certainly am not trained to deal with this kind of situation.  Also I think it is a slippery slope if I get too much involved in his situation because he might get triggered of me for whatever reason. And if he is trying to get back with me and realizes that is not going to happen, then who knows what follows. Don’t want to go down that road at all.

I don’t know who his psychiatrist and doctor are these days. I asked if the psychiatrist is the same one who he saw earlier, but he said it’s someone new.  But I think I will be in touch with his friend or sister, and then try to distance myself from this. And am prepared to say I will call officials to help, if needed.

It’s a good thing he at least understands he is not well enough to be with the boys right now. But I don’t want to invite him to spend time at my home. It’s only a matter of time that he would be triggered by something, and that would just leave everyone hurt again. Had it been a normal relationship, this could’ve been just fine, but not in this case. It’s been a rocky road to be where we are now, so I don’t want to risk our progress. .

I actually feel really sorry for him and after a period of peace, it’s a sad reminder of past experiences. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs. I would never get back with him, but as the father of my boys, I of course would like to see him get better and be well.

[ForeverDad]

If he keeps at it, tell him you will call his doctor or 911, as you are not equipped to deal with suicidal threats. Follow through if you have to. His behavior will tell you a lot about whether this is an attempt to get his hooks back into you.

There are two general categories:  (1) He is truly disturbed or suicidal.  (2) He is manipulating you by claiming suicidal ideation.  It would be wise to take a stance that you're not qualified to deal with such comments.  Let the people trained to deal with such situations handle it, typically emergency responders or hospital assessments.

There's a caution... Very likely if you do turn to involving emergency responders or others, the odds are high he will Deny making such comments.  So it would be wise to record such comments to avoid them accepting such Denials and discounting your report.

[Marianne-11]

Hi ForeverDad, thank you, very good point he might deny everything, better keep that in mind and be prepared. I save every message he sends, just in case if I need them later on.

He has by now suggested several ways he could be more in touch with us, and for some reason my gut feeling tells me this might very well be manipulation after all.

I am staying very neutral now in hopes of being able to distance myself and to go back to communicating only on practical matters.

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. That was an issue in my marriage and when my ex left. Apparently, he was expressing those thoughts again with his attorney during the divorce because his attorney told mine, but my ex did not communicate that to me. There were no custody issues, and he lives far away.

I cannot imagine the stress that brings to you and your children. Be careful!

[Marianne-11]

Thanks MeandThee for your kind support and sharing your experience. Appreciate it a lot! Definitely stressful with a lot of mixed feelings and frustration. But trying to take it day by day and doing my best to make wisest choices for the kids.

I think my ex might be doing a bit better now as he is not contacting us every day anymore. He should go back to work next week, so we’ll see how that goes or if it will trigger something again.

What I worry now is when will it be safe for him to take the boys for his weekend again. And how can I be certain that it is safe.

[Marianne-11]

Hi all, I need to vent a bit. From suicidal he has gone to the center of the universe. Booked gigs for several months in spring and summer, hence will not see the kids at all. Is being the victim of all victims because agreed to spend one week with the kids this autumn. Oh my  I haven’t felt this frustrated in ages!

[Marianne-11]

Could anyone recommend a book about how to be a good parent when the other parent is a pwBPD? I have some concerns and am booking professional help for our S5 as he shows some signs of ADHD and is extra sensitive in some things. He reacts strong when he his dad skips weekends with the kids, and this will be very tough on him.

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry that he took off on you after causing so much drama.

Mine were in college when he left and haven't seen him in years. He basically went AWOL as a parent and then couldn't figure out why they didn't want anything to do with him when he'd very rarely try to make contact. My oldest commented once that at least he mostly had a dad in childhood, but now he didn't want anything to do with an AWOL dad who went off the rails and blew everything up. Imagine how I had to control my face with that one! Apparently, my ex is still trying to get at them, but they remain no contact.

So I was dealing with older kids, but I read two books (Raising Resilient Children by Margalis Fjelstad and Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth) during separation that helped me see that I had to be all I could be as their mom, period. I didn't make excuses for him, I didn't defend him, and I didn't talk trash about him. Basically, I focused on my responses only and let him do whatever.

When the birthdays, Christmas, and graduations went by with maybe a card/check but usually nothing, I agreed with them that it was OK to feel rotten if they wanted to feel rotten. If they didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. I created big celebrations for them. Both went to therapy, and thankfully had close friends that were solid individuals to talk to.  

And we got through it. Again, older kids, but I think the principles are the same. Of course, he accused me of parental alienation, which I ignored.  I mentioned that once to my divorce attorney just to get a sanity check, and he said no way even if the kids had been younger. He said that if he had gone to court for a custody case with only a few long-distance contacts and no face-to-face for over a year, a judge would likely grant very little if any visitation.

[Marianne-11]

Thank you so much MeandThee! Going to get these books next. By the titles they seem to be exactly what I need now.

I am sorry you and your kids had to go through similar crap. Sometimes, going through this and hearing others’ stories about how the BPDs treat their kids, makes me think some people are just evil. You have done amazing job in raising your kids to be resilient adults, and I hope to be able to say the same one day. Hearing that it’s possible is so valuable, so thanks again for sharing. One of the biggest fears I have is that my kids would come to have BPD as a result of their childhood experiences.

My frustration comes also from being disappointed at myself. I let his drama get to me, and I thought once again that his wellbeing is somehow my responsibility. It’s not. Only negative things come from any contact with him. He is never hesitant to manipulate or throw somebody else under the bus if he benefits somehow. That hurts, I had managed to some extent forget what this treatment feels like. But I have to get back on track focusing on myself and the boys.

Next week I’ll be focusing on moving forward: discussing about S5 and his possible special needs, I will attend peer support meeting and try to figure the best way to support S12 as he is deep in puberty and experiencing emotional turmoil (his dad’s behavior for sure is not helping  ).