Hello, welcome and I'm glad you found us. I know you are hurting. I've been there - we have all been there. Please post as much as you want to, ask questions, read stories. There are some wonderful people on this board and it has been a lifeline for me in my healing process.
I was in a similar situation to you - my relationship was different but the breakup was similar in that it should have been a discussion about how I was feeling but he discarded me and didn't talk to me at all for 3 months. It turns out that in people with BPD, strong emotions often elicit a response like this and they often will discard people over seemingly minor incidents.
There are some other things in your story that are very classic BPD:
I literally gave everything to support her in the agony she went through, time after time.
Our love felt so real, so pure and whole. We seemed to share everything, same ideals, beliefs and dreams.
She extensively told me about the chronic emptiness she experiences, and the loneliness (even in presence of others) and depressions that cam forward from it.
She was not good at receiving criticism, it was barely ever her fault.
But me ex lost the grasp of her empathy, and latterly said to me she was ‘irritated’.
Suddenly after a fight of not even 10 minutes I turned form a soulmate into a ‘monster’ in her perspective. She broke up on me by just one app.. we never had a healthy talk afterwards, and now after writing her several times, it has been radio silence for about 4 months.
It defies any logic as to why this fight could and the relationship we had. It was a fight that we could so easily talk out.
I think every person who had had a relationship with a BPD knows exactly what you mean - I can see my ex in almost all of the above (or the way
I felt/acted). It is very common for us to give everything we have but not to receive anything in return (or only receive something very sporadically).
In a coaching session I was told that the ‘soul bond’ I experienced was just my own ‘soul’. I was jus me that she mirrored. Is it really so that the extraordinary love and experiences with her where just a mere illusion? How far does this mirroring (that my ex did for sure) go actually? I still can’t believe it was all just an illusion.. When I think back it still hurts so MUCH, cause we where so great together.
It is common for us to feel like we found our soulmate, they seem like our missing half. Unfortunately this is almost always because they are mirroring you. For me, it was one of the hardest parts to deal with - the realization that this person that I loved didn't even truly exist. It still is hard for me. It's hard to say exactly how much was mirroring, you only really can identify it when their behavior changes.
For example - my ex broke up with me twice - the first time we tried to be friends and he dated another woman for 4 months. After they broke up I started noticing some
very different things about him - his desires and opinions changed. He went from wanting more children and a family when we were together to wanting to not have kids (including the one he already had!), be a rich jetsetter and have everyone admire him. He started showing more narcissistic traits than I had ever seen before. Things that never seemed to matter to him when I was with him suddenly were front and center - and this was all within 4 months time.
Another example: apparently he also used to be a socialist/Marxist and when I met him he claimed to be a conservative capitalist. He also used to want to be a math teacher and when I met him he had changed to wanting to be a rich capitalist businessman (he was weirdly into capitalism, which is funny because I'm getting more anti-capitalist every day and even without the BPD, our politics probably would have broken us up eventually), The point is that he didn't have a defined sense of self (the definition of BPD) and every new person he was with (friend or girlfriend) changed him in some way. He would mirror the new person in his life until he fundamentally changed and/or he got tired of the person and discarded them.
Will I ever hear from hear again?
It's very likely - BPDs are known to recycle their exes or at least try to keep them around so that they have a constant source of validation. The question is - do you want her to contact you again?
Could she have any regrets or understand the situation better right now, after some this time period.
No. At least not in my experience or in anything I have read (I am not an expert though). They really don't seem to have the capacity to understand how other people feel or regret their actions unless it benefits them somehow. I know it sounds harsh but spend some time reading the board here and you will see it play out time and time again. They feel that nothing is ever their fault so they don't think they need to feel bad about anything. Or they rewrite history in their own minds to make themselves the "good guy".
Again, every single one of us has been through what you are going through. Its hard but you
will survive and heal.
