Lack of empathy, and the whole cake

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have suspected my uBPD of having BPD for several years.  I have been absent from this board as H appeared to be well.  I was wrong.  We have been married for over 20 years.  Sorry for this long introduction.

When I married, I was very codependent.  Within months after a love-bomb courtship, H started in with the verbal abuse and fault-finding.  I could not do anything right in his eyes.  He criticised my clothing, the way I cooked.  Everything (yes, everything) was something where he was in a position to improve on me.

Moreover, he was enmeshed with his three children.  We married when the children were still quite young, all under 5.  His uNPD X was married to him for 9 years, but found a lover while H was overseas in the military.  H came back from his tour of duty to find his W was divorcing him to marry her lover (the lover was also married) and taking the children out of the state. His X was NPD and he was BPD.

Now all the children are adults, all in their 30s.  Older D and S are drug addicts.  Older D, likely BPD, too, has devalued her F and is not speaking to him.  She quit a well-paying job with fantasy of attending the local college for a degree, but then that fell through.  She is now like a hippie selling hand-made soap at flea markets with one of her best pals of the moment.

Now H is enmeshed with his younger D, a woman with a H, a young son (likely in the ASD spectrum, more on that later) and who is expecting another child in the spring.

I have a medical condition that goes in and out of remission, and the times when the condition is active, I am unable to do chores or drive.  H had plans to visit this D out of state.   I was having a rough go of it.  Did H think to cancel his plans to stay with me until things got better? Not a chance!  He happily left me to the care of my brother, who is mentally ill and who lives with his adult son who is an alcoholic and who plays video games all day, a 30 something man who dropped out of college and who has not held a job since 2010.  My B cannot be bothered to answer my phone calls when I need help around the house.  He will notice I called, left a voice mail to call, and then not respond. I personally think he (and his useless son) are profoundly depressed and addicted to food; B and S are obese.  He pays for everything the adult son wants (computers and video games, head sets and interfaces.)  It's stomach turning to actually see.

I finally called H and told him my B was useless.  H uses his younger daughter as a confidant.  In the past, he confided in her about our marital discord.  He also did so with the druggie older D.  This woman, while quite high, launched into a phone tirade about how I was "using" her father.  H's reply was that it was obvious that I was, and nothing he said prompted her to call me.  Using one's children as confidants and betraying marital information is essentially emotional incest.  It was really horrible when the  children were teens, especially the girls, who acted seductively around their F, and who emotionally blackmailed him for expensive gifts.  They came out to  visit for the summers from their M and stepF's home.  I tolerated, every year, two months of H@ll while H allowed his children to castrate him and ignore his authority.  One D made threats to physically harm me until a well placed personal insult put her in her place.  She never again attempted to insult me or threaten me.

After talking to H, he arranged to come back from his trip early.  I will probably catch H#ll from him when he returns, blah, blah, blah, about, "You owe me because I had to give up on my trip to see my D and GC.  I am even sure he shared an eye roll with his D about my need for help.  This D states her F is her "best friend," so enmeshed are they.  The call and message each other several times a day even though she is several states away.  We are moving to the same town in which she lives when H retires in a year.  I know I have nothing but H*ll in store as D will promptly make a surrogate H our of her F.

Now we come to GS. He is almost 4 and not toilet trained.  He is likely in the ASD spectrum.  I have suspected since he was around 6 months but have said nothing to my H. My H would likely shoot the messenger.  When old D was getting into drugs, H called me names.  She clearly was searching the house for "munchies" as she asked if we had any sweets.  Not, "I'm hungry.  Is there something I can eat?"  (I would have offered her leftovers or made a sandwich for her.)  No. She asked for sweets.  I don't want to tell H of my suspicions on the GS, but he has quite a few markers for ASD.  Let him figure out for himself and deal with that heart ache.

At more than 20 years, I am full circle on my own recovery codependency. I look at H like he's from another planet.  When he launches in to the divorce threats (over the 20 plus years) and name calling, I know karma for him is just around the corner.

Thank you for reading if you've come this far. I know many of you can relate to this.

 

[AskingWhy]

I have suspected my uBPD of having BPD for several years.  I have been absent from this board as H appeared to be well.  I was wrong.  We have been married for over 20 years.  Sorry for this long introduction.

When I married, I was very codependent.  Within months after a love-bomb courtship, H started in with the verbal abuse and fault-finding.  I could not do anything right in his eyes.  He criticised my clothing, the way I cooked.  Everything (yes, everything) was something where he was in a position to improve on me.

Moreover, he was enmeshed with his three children.  We married when the children were still quite young, all under 5.  His uNPD X was married to him for 9 years, but found a lover while H was overseas in the military.  H came back from his tour of duty to find his W was divorcing him to marry her lover (the lover was also married) and taking the children out of the state. His X was NPD and he was BPD.

Now all the children are adults, all in their 30s.  Older D and S are drug addicts.  Older D, likely BPD, too, has devalued her F and is not speaking to him.  She quit a well-paying job with fantasy of attending the local college for a degree, but then that fell through.  She is now like a hippie selling hand-made soap at flea markets with one of her best pals of the moment.

Now H is enmeshed with his younger D, a woman with a H, a young son (likely in the ASD spectrum, more on that later) and who is expecting another child in the spring.

I have a medical condition that goes in and out of remission, and the times when the condition is active, I am unable to do chores or drive.  H had plans to visit this D out of state.   I was having a rough go of it.  Did H think to cancel his plans to stay with me until things got better? Not a chance!  He happily left me to the care of my brother, who is mentally ill and who lives with his adult son who is an alcoholic and who plays video games all day, a 30 something man who dropped out of college and who has not held a job since 2010.  My B cannot be bothered to answer my phone calls when I need help around the house.  He will notice I called, left a voice mail to call, and then not respond. I personally think he (and his useless son) are profoundly depressed and addicted to food; B and S are obese.  He pays for everything the adult son wants (computers and video games, head sets and interfaces.)  It's stomach turning to actually see.

I finally called H and told him my B was useless.  H uses his younger daughter as a confidant.  In the past, he confided in her about our marital discord.  He also did so with the druggie older D.  This woman, while quite high, launched into a phone tirade about how I was "using" her father.  H's reply was that it was obvious that I was, and nothing he said prompted her to call me.  Using one's children as confidants and betraying marital information is essentially emotional incest.  It was really horrible when the  children were teens, especially the girls, who acted seductively around their F, and who emotionally blackmailed him for expensive gifts.  They came out to  visit for the summers from their M and stepF's home.  I tolerated, every year, two months of H@ll while H allowed his children to castrate him and ignore his authority.  One D made threats to physically harm me until a well placed personal insult put her in her place.  She never again attempted to insult me or threaten me.

After talking to H, he arranged to come back from his trip early.  I will probably catch H#ll from him when he returns, blah, blah, blah, about, "You owe me because I had to give up on my trip to see my D and GC.  I am even sure he shared an eye roll with his D about my need for help.  This D states her F is her "best friend," so enmeshed are they.  The call and message each other several times a day even though she is several states away.  We are moving to the same town in which she lives when H retires in a year.  I know I have nothing but H*ll in store as D will promptly make a surrogate H our of her F.

Now we come to GS. He is almost 4 and not toilet trained.  He is likely in the ASD spectrum.  I have suspected since he was around 6 months but have said nothing to my H. My H would likely shoot the messenger.  When old D was getting into drugs, H called me names.  She clearly was searching the house for "munchies" as she asked if we had any sweets.  Not, "I'm hungry.  Is there something I can eat?"  (I would have offered her leftovers or made a sandwich for her.)  No. She asked for sweets.  I don't want to tell H of my suspicions on the GS, but he has quite a few markers for ASD.  Let him figure out for himself and deal with that heart ache.

At more than 20 years, I am full circle on my own recovery codependency. I look at H like he's from another planet.  When he launches in to the divorce threats (over the 20 plus years) and name calling, I know karma for him is just around the corner.

Thank you for reading if you've come this far. I know many of you can relate to this.