Its never ending…

[ConstantStateFFF]

I want to start my first post in an upbeat, friendly, positive or empowering way.. Unfortunately I’m not in that head space. Its likely many of us who’ve been lead to, urged or pushed to this site come in the same head space as I.. or at least that’s what i want to believe.. because I’m not alone right?
I’m a 38 years old forever single female (27 if you ever ask me directly) and I met my ex s.o. when i was a young 22 yo. I already had lot of childhood traumas i was unaware of and not dealing with in my life along with depression and anxiety , with an empathetic heart made of gold. Boy oh boy was I the perfect naïve target. I was 25 and pregnant when i ended the on again off again toxicity of the relationship. Little did i know that was only the beginning for the real nightmare that would consume the next 12 years of my life.
I thought I was strong because that’s what everyone told me, who knew what i dealt with attempting to coparent with this man. I thought i had it figured out and I successfully kept him at bay (romantically) for years, on the constant roller coaster of love bombing, attempted triangulations, flying monkeys and smear campaigns.. I thought I was protecting my son to the best of my abilities.  But the older he got the weaker i became, the more i let my cards show, the more i tried to fix and the less i protected myself.
My son was 7 (2017), and we had just finished our first court battle which i lost at miserably.. My attorney caved and convinced me to do the same.. because he showed such improvement and hope that things had finally sunk in.. December 2017 was going to be the very first Christmas Morning  I did not have my child. I thought i was being the bigger person by inviting him, his wife (#5) and step son to spend the night in my home so we could all spend Christmas morning together. He now had mandated holiday time so going forward i was going to have to suck it up and make it the best possible if i wanted this to work. Somehow he and my son managed to get me to agree to let him spend the night at my home with my son for a night the week before christmas but somehow he ended up staying the entire week. He used this time to sealed the deal and managed to suck me in completely, hook like and sinker. Future Faking.. man that’s tough stuff to see through. He spent his years building his arsenal and learning my hopes and desires and conditioning me.. For him to be the father that my son deserved, a decent, good, honest father. I rationalized and justified getting back together for… If he's here, then i can make damn good and sure my son isn’t mistreated, i can make sure he’s actually doing right by my son, if I’m there i can protect him better, the step mothers sure haven’t stepped in to take the brunt for my son, they were protecting themselves (#5 wasn’t even protecting her own child, she sure as hell wasn’t protecting mine) and i have a slew of mental health knowledge, I’m educated, I’m aware.. and i can handle this because i know what I’m getting myself into and i can help him to get the real help that he needs! I can fix him!
It only took 2 years for it to completely destroy me. I was totally and utterly unprepared and had no idea what i was REALLY getting myself and my son into. Clearly this brings a ton of guilt. I don’t have to explain the amount of excuses i made for him and his bad behavior, the number of times i sat with my little boy and talked about how having patience is best because dads PTSD (military) has made his brain work differently and he needs our support and love, not our anger. This thought alone is enough to make me want to take my own life, the damage I’ve done to my child in trying to help a situation but only making it more confusing and worse for the both of us. 

*I should probably insert here, that i am NOT suicidal but i have learned through my intensive trauma therapy that, suicidal thoughts have been a trauma response and coping mechanism for me since i was 7yo, my last suicidal attempt was when I’m was around 21 years old, i repeat i am not suicidal*

I left with my son in April of 2020.. and began my healing journey in August of the same year.. I’ve been going every week consistently since. My therapist has mentioned this forum a few times before, 2 weeks ago she was more insistent that i look into it for support. I’ve never been big on “forums” but i need something, so I’m willing to give this a shot. Through therapy we have determined yeah he may have PTSD from active military and combat experience but over the years I’ve learned (now that i can recognize them for what they actually are) these traits were there way before the military.. I firmly believe he's NPD, Malignant NPD if you want to subcategorize it.

Currently there is an Active Order of Protection in place for me since Jan 2021 (on my sons 11th birthday to be exact

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi ConstantstateFFF

I think I understand why this post was not the positive one you wanted. You were going over the huge trauma you have been through over a long period of time - each step of the way trying to make decisions that were based on your son's best interests and good will towards your child's father.

There aren't any words really that can describe the intense chaos of trying to do this over a period of many years. In the end we become emotionally drained, physically exhausted and empty.

We keep going while there is even the slightest glimmer of hope and there is this constant struggle to find a way to have a mindset that keep going.

You have been there for your child and that is the most important thing - a rock for him to cling to throughout it all.

Now is a new chapter and one day, when healing grows and life opens up I hope  I will see that positive post here!

Be kind to yourself. We all go over the past and what we could/should have done/chosen. We make the best decision we can at each step of the way.