Newly divorced

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been divorced for a little over a month. I was married for 10 yrs and realized in the later yrs my spouse has bpd and probably also a narcissist.  Our marriage was horrible. I felt like I was always walking on glass. Just doing whatever I had to do to keep her calm. I stayed so long because we have a young son together. I finally realized it would be better for me and my son if I left. The entire divorce process was horrible. My ex sent me so many texts. One minute she would be telling me how much she missed me and the next would be how horrible I am. It was an emotional roller coaster. I knew it would be rough but was not prepared for how much it would affect me.

I thought it would get better after the divorce. We have split custody of our son. She still texts me horrible things and tries to manipulate my feelings. She makes threats like what she will tell our son and such but I have learned most are empty threats and she is just trying to get to me. And eventhough I know that it still upsets me every time. I do not reply to her texts anymore unless it is regarding our son.

Will this ever get better? I just want to move on so I can start healing from the years of emotional abuse. It's not like I can just block her since we have to co-parent. I am emotionally worn out and tired of her affecting me so much. I am stuck in a depression that I can't seem to get out of. Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[Honey_Badger]

I have been divorced for a little over a month. I was married for 10 yrs and realized in the later yrs my spouse has bpd and probably also a narcissist.  Our marriage was horrible. I felt like I was always walking on glass. Just doing whatever I had to do to keep her calm. I stayed so long because we have a young son together. I finally realized it would be better for me and my son if I left. The entire divorce process was horrible. My ex sent me so many texts. One minute she would be telling me how much she missed me and the next would be how horrible I am. It was an emotional roller coaster. I knew it would be rough but was not prepared for how much it would affect me.

I thought it would get better after the divorce. We have split custody of our son. She still texts me horrible things and tries to manipulate my feelings. She makes threats like what she will tell our son and such but I have learned most are empty threats and she is just trying to get to me. And eventhough I know that it still upsets me every time. I do not reply to her texts anymore unless it is regarding our son.

Will this ever get better? I just want to move on so I can start healing from the years of emotional abuse. It's not like I can just block her since we have to co-parent. I am emotionally worn out and tired of her affecting me so much. I am stuck in a depression that I can't seem to get out of. Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

[AskingWhy]

I am sorry for your ordeal, but you're free now.  Your child is your only connection with your X.

It's good you're not letting yourself get sucked into the dynamic.  This is the beginning of healing.  It does get bettercwith time.   If you are not seeing a therapist, please consider one who is experienced with BPD partners and abuse.  In addition, enlist an attorney to guard your parental rights.  Empty threats or not, pwBPD are dangerous.

Take time for self-care. 

[Fian]

Isn't there a texting program that can handle coparenting?  I believe one of its advantages is it can be shared with the court, so if she is making threats it can be shown to a judge.  Knowing that, she may be more careful in what she says to you.

[NotAHero]

 It takes time. If your ex is just a BP it will get better when she attaches herself to a new host. If she is an NP or ASP then it won’t get better but you will learn how to control the environment and continue to ignore unnecessary conflict. Either way best of luck

[GaGrl]

It does take time, and there are tools and strategies on this site that can help you as you continue to competent with your ex.

What areas of co-parenting are giving you the most problems? What interactions seem to create the most conflict?

And how is your son doing?

[CoherentMoose]

My GF went to court to force email only communications with her ex for any child related non-emergency communications.  It helped in the lead up to court as he knew any text bombs would be used against him.  Now that the hearing is over, it remains to be see if he will continue to honor using email.  Good luck. CoMo