Hi esquared41;
My first question is this normal with someone with BPD to dip out like this? I understand this is emotionally hard (for both of us!), but to promise so much assistance and then back out at the last minute is so surprising
Yes, it does sound typical. I suspect that pwBPD don't have the same relationship to words, commitments, promises, and obligations that we do. We hang a lot of weight on "words that were said" or "things that were agreed to", because we, as fairly normal people, use words to
communicate.
I think a pwBPD uses words (statements, messages, texts, promises, etc) to
express feelings.
In the moment, back then, it's really possible that your ex-BF truly felt like a helpful person who would do an even split of costs. Now, he may be feeling like you are the problem and he's not at fault. So, the words he said back then, to express his feelings of "I'm a helpful, fair person", don't count any more, because the words may not have been intended to communicate his intentions. Now, his inner feelings are what matter, and his inner feelings are different than they were.
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Given that his actions are based on his internal feelings, and only he can manage his internal feelings, it's difficult to predict whether there's a tactic to "make" him respond to you.
One stance I started to take with my husband's kids' mom is to always plan out what I need to do in a way that needs no input from her to proceed. I.e., I craft every email/text message to
not require an answer from her in order for me to move forward.
With "normal" people, you could say stuff like "Hey, does it work for me to pick up the kids at 1pm next Thursday?" and you'd get a reply back soon. With the kids' mom, she stonewalls, delays, foot-drags, etc -- lots of covert aggression. So I have to recraft my messages in order to do what I need to do in life. With that example, I'd say instead: "Hey, does it work for your schedule if I pick up the kids at 1pm next Thursday? If I don't hear back from you by 1pm Sunday, I'll assume we're good to go!"
See how even if she doesn't reply, I still get to plan? Can't recommend that technique enough.
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Side question, do you guys have any kids together?
...
Hope that helps;
kells76
