looking for input

[Sabrina8324]

 Hello:) This is my first time posting here. I have been reading others posts and it has been extremely helpful. My SIL has BPD and is married to my younger brother who I suspect has narcissistic traits. They have been married 6 years and have two boys ages 6 and 2. Since getting together they have always been competitive with me and my husband. Getting engaged shortly after, her pushing to be pregnant together. I have two kids 6 and 3. Our family is very close and the cousins get along well. Unfortunately due to a lot of BPD behaviors my SIL has cut off my family and hers multiple times for almost a year. Currently she is targeting my husband, myself and my children after a talk we had about our kids playing. We have apologized and tried to resolve things but they have twisted everything around and made themselves the victim. We are willing to move forward for sake of the extended family and kids but they are not. My brother used to try and at least keep peace with our family and bring the kids around. Now he is saying very hurtful things along with her. I feel content going NC but also am having a hard time missing my nephews and the relationship they have with my children. We all live close and the holidays are coming around. They have made it clear they will not be coming around which I have accepted but is devastating my parents. My main question at this point is presents for my nephews. I dropped off presents to their door for their birthdays but my SIL has a history of throwing things out so who knows if they are even getting them. I am not sure what to do for Christmas. Breaks my heart not to send anything or drop things to my nephews but also not sure it will get to them. Any advice appreciated. Currently my SIL and brother are planning a big move out of state by summer which seems to correlate with them cutting off my family.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Sabrina8324, welcome to the group. I hear the heartbreak in your post -- it's not just you and your husband impacted by your brother and his wife, it's your children, too, and there's just no way to explain those adult choices to young kids.

It all sounds really familiar -- twisting words, misunderstanding intentions, taking the victim role. I'm glad you can find some peace in going NC with them, knowing that you've done all you can do.

Are they also not going to visit your parents? Or is it that your parents are devastated because they aren't visiting you (but they will still see your parents)? I get it, these are complicated family interactions.

I am not sure what to do for Christmas. Breaks my heart not to send anything or drop things to my nephews but also not sure it will get to them. Any advice appreciated.

That is tricky. Logistically, you could consider doing something where there's documented shipping (on your end) and documented delivery (some kind of "sign for delivery" confirmation?) on their end, especially if it's delivery confirmation that YOU can see. There's a sense in which that could give you the comfort of knowing you did everything you could to care about your nephews.

You could also think about, in addition to the above, handwriting and keeping cards for them, so that later in life, if they have questions for you ("Where were you, why didn't we ever get together"), you can pull out the cards and show them you were thinking of them all this time.

Another option is sending duplicate cards -- keep one and send one, so that if one gets to them, awesome, and if not, again you have the ones to keep for later down the road.

While it's tempting to try to enlist other family members to get the gifts to the boys, it may be wiser to avoid asking people to do that. That can stir up drama that clouds relationships.

Keep us posted on how you're holding up -- the holidays can be so difficult with disordered family members.

-kells76

[Sabrina8324]

Thanks Kells76 for your validation and advice. I like the idea of sending something certified mail and also like the idea of keeping duplicate cards. Thank you. I also see certified mail making my BPD SIL mad like I am trying to be manipulative. This is not the case right? As for your question my brother told my parents they are not celebrating with any of our family for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I am not sure why since their main issues are with me and my husband. That is what I meant by it is breaking my parents heart. I have educated them on BPD a bit so they can have some understanding. Thanks again.

[leopard]

Hi Sabrina8324,

I have a similar situation except I am NC with my narc father and two younger half siblings who both now have a child each. Family trauma has split us down the middle some years ago but thats another story for another time.  I knew that my brother (poss undiagnosed BPD) wouldn’t accept any gifts or he would sell them and keep the money himself & I knew that my sister (the princess, histrionic) would blast it all over town & social media. Despite their behaviour, I felt love for & guilty about my nephew and niece- why should they miss out? However I didn’t want to supply anymore drama to the situation by antagonising my siblings in their twisted thinking. The little ones wouldn’t necessarily know if I sent anything or not, they will probably grow up hearing either nothing like I don’t exist or only bad things about the evil big sister (that’s me ).  So I decided to take my siblings and their drama out of the equation.

I have set up two savings accounts that my siblings know nothing of. Each birthday, Christmas, easter, holiday or event that I would have gifted or spent time and money on my niece or nephew I pop it into their respective accounts. When they are old enough, lets say 18, they will have a nice little egg I have been sitting on that they can put toward driving, college, house whatever they choose. They will get all the statements, showing that I was thinking and still loving them all these years despite what the may have been led to believe. I hope that I can rekindle our relationship as they age but ultimately that will be down to them. I can rest knowing I did not leave them out of our heart and minds or wallets when their other cousins (my other sisters side) will have received so much over the coming years. The same will go for my grandchildren if ever my relationship with my DD25 goes south.
I don’t know if this is something you could try. Good luck with whatever you choose.

[kells76]

I have set up two savings accounts that my siblings know nothing of. Each birthday, Christmas, easter, holiday or event that I would have gifted or spent time and money on my niece or nephew I pop it into their respective accounts. When they are old enough, lets say 18, they will have a nice little egg I have been sitting on that they can put toward driving, college, house whatever they choose. They will get all the statements, showing that I was thinking and still loving them all these years despite what the may have been led to believe. I hope that I can rekindle our relationship as they age but ultimately that will be down to them. I can rest knowing I did not leave them out of our heart and minds or wallets when their other cousins (my other sisters side) will have received so much over the coming years. The same will go for my grandchildren if ever my relationship with my DD25 goes south.

Great idea from leopard.

I think a lot of the practical problem-solving that ends up happening for us, as we deal with pwBPD, hinges on doing what we can actually control, that isn't dependent on what a disordered person does or doesn't do.

My DH and I try to make any kid-related decisions (it's his kids' mom with BPD traits) not contingent on what she wants, does, when she responds, how she responds, etc. Anything where you're "hoping the pwBPD does the right thing/what you need"... setup for disappointment at best.

Looking forward to seeing what other ideas members post...

kells76

[incadove]

Really like this way of thinking as well.  When I can I drop off gifts, its under my control.  If I send a message I think will not be responded to, I send and then immediately delete it so I don't get reminded that there is no answer.  Just do what I decide, and if I am happy with my own choices then that is enough.

Thanks for sharing the great idea of the bank account with evidence you've been thinking about them all this time.  You might want to make it a trust for educational expenses and basic maintenance til they're 24 if its a large amount, just in case the kids have their own issues as they grow up.

[leopard]

Incadove,
Glad you pointed the financial side.
I’m in the uk and I think it’s a bit different here regarding financials. Honestly you can’t set up an account or trust fund for a family member without the  birth certificate of the said child, also you can’t set up more than one for each child if the parents already have a named account for that said child. Bit rubbish I know.  There was no way I was going to make contact with my siblings to ask for the documents or draw their attention to what I was doing so I have just two little online savings types-I’m not talking trust fund amounts sadly, wish I could. So for me this won’t affect tax, etc, but it will be all given with love, joy and most important, peacefully.

[incadove]

I think what you're doing is beautiful, generous and thoughtful

And honestly a smaller amount is probably healthier for a young person anyway!  that way their own efforts are needed, but a bit of help from a loving place is wonderful to receive

[Sabrina8324]

Thanks leopard. This is a wonderful idea. I appreciate your input on this difficult situation. I am sorry for all you are going through as well. I think for Christmas I am going to do the certified mail route and moving forward after that start a savings account for both of them along with cards I keep and give to them later. I so appreciate you all!