Feeling distressed about sharing my children with BPD mother

[Riv3rW0lf]

The first time I realized my relationship with my mother was not healthy is when I had my firstborn. It took a lot of work getting her in my arms, I almost lost her, and when I finally got to hold her, I realized just how vulnerable she was and this feeling of wanting to protect and care for her needs came instantly. Those feelings honestly clashed with my own childhood memories, which was the first red flag.

My BPD mother came to help me get better after this hard labor and ... I felt uneasy. She didn't have any crisis during those days but the way she would just take my baby away from me, I felt like she was stealing her from me. I didn't know, at the time, the nature of our relationship. I was living 10 hours away from her and it felt like our relationship had just begun.

To be fair, I left my mother's house to go live with my father when I was 14 years old and I don't have many memories of living with my mother. I remember some things like being thrown a glass jar at my feet when I was 4 while she was having a tantrum in the kitchen... I remember her telling I was fat and laughing at me in front of my aunts. I remember feeling uneasy and doing every little things she asked, cleaning the house daily and cooking diner to appease her energy after work. I remember never having any new clothes and having to wear her old clothes at school, being laughed at, but never asking her for anything because I didn't want to be screamed at. I also remember her forgetting me at daycare more than once... My father would be the one picking me up, which actually felt like a relief.  They were separated, I was always more comfortable at his house than at my mother's house.

I only put two and two together a couple weeks back though .. I have been living in a different province, and had a second child. I needed help with work so I figured I would move in with her, just for a few weeks, to get things done while she cared for my children. Things had gone smoothly between us, which I now understand is because I was living far, only talking with her via Skype... She had realized so many things while taking care of her own mother, how badly she was treated. she cried, telling me she had been like her mother and now understood what she had done wrong with me... I believed her.

But It took only a few days living there for the tantrums to start again. But now, as an adult, I was able to see clearly that those tantrums were largely inappropriate. It took her three days after my husband left to tell me she was now thinner than me and that I should wear her old large clothes (I currently wear a small size, we are about the same size but she kept saying I was larger than her). I told her to stop and she got out of control for a couple of minutes, and in front of my children. A couple days after that she got mad because I mentioned my father's usual christmas meal, which reminded me that I am not allowed to love my father while at her house. I started feeling sick to my stomach, not eating, not knowing who I was anymore. I went back to being a scared 8 years old with self esteem issues...

I also caught her twice emotionally abussing my daughter, who is now three and a half. Making her feel bad because she hadn't said she had missed her BPD grandmother while we were out visiting her other grandparents. I told my mother to shut it, that she should not keep asking her if she missed her so much and just tell her she is happy to see her. the intent was ill and it felt wrong in my guts. she listened to me (I thought it would be ok), but the next day, she gave me the cold shoulder and silence treatment for two days, using my own daughter against me, going places with her without asking me first, even though I was available and not working. She also gave a dangerous toy to my 8 months old and snapped when I informed her it was a choking hazard.

Anyway, it got very difficult managing my own role as a mother to my children while being the daughter of my BPD mother. My father got me out of there. He brought me and my children half way to my home, and my husband picked us up for the rest of the road. The whole thing, having my mother help me with the children while I worked, was a disaster. I felt like I was in hell... I am so thankful for my father.  I truly thought it would work out... Now I know I truly have to mourn the mother I will never have.

While I was going through an emotional hell, I was able to not blame her, and wrote her something along the lines of learning to respect both our limits to preserve our relationship. But I did left while she was gone ... Which ... Really set her off and she disowned me (which I honestly don't care about anymore, I now know she is sick and probably doesn't mean it).  I didn't mean to, there was a storm and I had to leave earlier, but I will admit I was glad because I didnt have to put my children through saying goodbye to a frenzied or inappropriate grandmother.  Knowing her, she would have put the world on my three years old shoulders and I would have had to fight it... Probably would have ended up worst that me just leaving while she was gone.

I don't want to blame her...I realize now, she is sick. And I probably would be too if it hadn't been for my father, shielding me when I was young and offering me a secure attachment, and unconditional love. He was always there and I owe him a big part of my own emotional stability.

Now though ... What to do? Having children basically brought her back in my life. She started ignoring me mostly when I left to live with my dad, she never fully accepted it. When I was very young, she would go as far as not speaking to me for weeks at a time if I mentioned my father or wanting to be with him. As a young adult, she would only speak to me when I was mad at my father, which didn't happen too often. I was not loved not by her anyway. she wasn't proud of me, but I was left to do my own things without having to care for her and deal with her needs.  But when I got pregnant, although I lived far, she started calling me and messaging me. Now she wants to see her grandchildren but the thing is... It feels like a love competition for her. She tries so hard to be the best grandmother they will have it feels fake. She glances at me like she won a battle when my daughter asks for her instead of me. It is unbearable to share the two people I love the most with the woman who abused me all my life... I'm not jealous of her because they would love her, I am unnerved. I am scared she will try to create a wedge between me and my children, like she tried (and almost succeeded) to do with me and my father. It worked for my brother, he didn't speak to my dad for years! .. part of me feel like I have to share, because after all, she is sick... But it's like I am in a predators nest everytime we are in her house, I am guarded and I look at my daughter and it breaks my heart to imagine what mess she could plant in her head...

I don't know where to begin, how to even start a discussion around boundaries. My husband does not want her around our children and definitely never alone with them, which is fair..  do I even need to start a discussion or just ... Play it by ears when she requests time? We are moving back in our home province and our 10 hours buffer will become a 3 hours buffer... Still better than nothing I guess?

I guess I just needed to share what's been going on with people who can understand. Maybe some of you will have some insights that can help. Communication with her is hard. Now I know she is better than I thought at faking understanding... The only reason I know she doesn't understand is because when she is hurt, everything comes back, with no forgiveness, no rationality, just anger and guiltripping. She remains the victim and will always be the victim, while I am stuck being the mean daughter who is too harsh. Unless she needs me, of course...

It actually felt good just writing this up... Thanks for reading this far!

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome, Riv3rW0lf! 

So nice to have you join us and become a part of our online family!

I am thankful that you now have a physical boundary in place of distance between you and your mom. It's much healthier for you and your little ones. I'm thankful that you were able to see clearly what was happening, and kudos to you for having the courage to step away from it all and protect those dear little ones.

The physical distance will certainly help, but what other boundaries do you think you might need to help keep her away? How long has it been since you left her place?

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

The physical distance will certainly help, but what other boundaries do you think you might need to help keep her away? How long has it been since you left her place?

Thank you for your kind welcome.

I left her house three weeks ago now, and have been working on getting back on my feet since then. I was relatively ok yesterday when I wrote the post, I didn't feel like blaming her, but then, we had a talk with my husband and I remembered a lot of childhood memories... Woke up this morning wanting to hurt her and tell her just how cruel she has actually been. The worst is though, I know it would change nothing... She would cry and play the victim, and I would believe her. She learned, in AA, to blame her misbehaviors on her alcoholism, but she never seeked treatment for the root cause of her outbursts, depression and emotional instability. We were, as her children, trained to see her as a victim of her past and alcoholism as well...

I don't think I could tolerate her in my house more than one night. And my children will never go at her house by themselves. My husband decided yesterday he will never allow it. I'm not sure how I feel about him now hating my mother... Having this discussion with him yesterday made me realize I had never really gave him details about the things she did. And now he can't unhear it, and hates her. He called her cruel, mean, told me I had to see how a bad person she was and I do, but I also don't if it makes sense?

While today is a bad day, because I woke up angry and hating her, part of me still believe she doesn't mean to do any of these things, which is what most website about BPD mentions. She is not a monster, she is basically a hurt child who's love needs were never met... She just, can't help herself repeating the pattern. What I realize from our dynamics though is that I want to help her so bad that everytime I allow us to have a relationship, I get sucked in... Which my husband says is bad for my mental health, because this is usually when I start stumbling and feeling stressed out.

I guess... I will never be able to have a relationship with her at all? I am not sure what boundaries to set when she is visiting her grandchildren, honestly. She is very intense with them and she cannot control it. No go is definitely anything close to emotional abuse and making them feel her pain and feel that she misses them "so very much". I can't have that. But I don't see how I could get her to stop it, short of decreasing the amount of time she spends with them, which will surely become a source of resentment.

I see you have a parent with BPD as well, were you ever able to have a "good" relationship with them without falling back into old patterns? What kind of boundaries did you set?

[Notwendy]

Welcome and I am sorry you are dealing with this. Becoming a mother also brought a realization that how my BPD mother behaved was not appropriate. As a teen, she was convincing that I was the cause of issues between us- she attributed them to "mother-daughter" teen issues.

When my own kids were teen agers, I realized the difference between typical teen age- parental relationships and my own teen age years. These were issues like wanting to see friends before finishing homework, or wanting to wear "what all the kids are wearing" even if I didn't like it. This is normal stuff that might irritate parents but never warrants the kind of rages and verbal abuse my mother did. My mother also would call me "fat"- but it was the kind of weight a child puts on normally during puberty as they fill out. I would not ever call a child that.

My kids are grown now, but I had boundaries with my mother. My parents stayed married and so my father was there too during visits. I would not ever leave my mother alone with my children and so was present for most of the time. I did trust my father enough to let them be with the children for a short period of time but not my mother alone.

Another issue was when they were teens. At this time, they didn't need a lot of supervision, I could leave them on their own. This is where my BPD mother began to enlist them as her emotional caretakers. At this point, not being alone with her took on a different importance. They didn't need an adult to take care of them, but it isn't their job to be adult emotional caretakers.

Can I have a normal relationship with my mother? No- because the situation isn't normal. One thing I did focus on is supporting my kids' boundaries- with her and anyone else who didn't seem to respect boundaries. They are young adults now and aware of BPD, so they don't have hostile feelings towards her, but keep boundaries.

I think you are wise to protect your children when they are small, and also it's good to support their natural boundaries as they grow.

[GaGrl]

My parents did not leave my sister and me alone with my uBPD/NPD step-grandmother until we were teens, and by then, we rarely wanted to spend time with her. My grandparents rarely traveled to see us, as Dad had moved us 200 miles away after I was born and a scene at the hospital made it clear that living close to her would be an ongoing disaster.

My step-grandmother was a cruel, mean woman. She treated my mother horribly and with great resentment. She was jealous, controlling, and interfering. The best thing my father did was move us away from her and put boundaries in place to protect us.

[Riv3rW0lf]

My step-grandmother was a cruel, mean woman. She treated my mother horribly and with great resentment. She was jealous, controlling, and interfering. The best thing my father did was move us away from her and put boundaries in place to protect us.

Thank you very much for your input. It is hard for me to untangle from the family dynamics, especially since I was raised as "her mother", when I wasn't the bad daughter, or even her competition. It is like, part of me resent her,  but part of me wants to believe it can improve, part of me wants to protect my children, but part of me doesn't want to punish her for her mental state.  I am glad your father stood his ground and protected you. And it helps to know that you, as the protected one, understand why he did it and do not hold resentment toward his decision to cut them from you.

 It is a fine line, for a parent, to protect VS overprotect. My brother decided against protecting his children. They have been spending alone time at my mother's house since they were young kids, and I can see that she uses his firstborn as a caretaker now... She texts him every morning... She worked very hard to severe the ties he has with his own mom and to some extent, she did do some damages I believe. But my brother still won't recognize there is a problem... He considers it his son's life and challenges. Maybe he helps him define boundaries behind closed doors, I don't know... He won't recognize our mother is mentally ill, she didn't treated us the same, and he bends to her will to avoid the crisis... 

I am lucky that we will still be 3hours from her. although, 3hours might not be enough to negate all chances of emotional manipulation, it will be enough that she will have to go through us to visit and will not ever be able to just drop by our house.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I think you are wise to protect your children when they are small, and also it's good to support their natural boundaries as they grow.

Thank you.

I guess it it harder than I thought to tune out my shame and guilt. I was hardwired to feel this way around her.  Your story gives some validations to my current thoughts, which help. 

It is a good point, using this as a teaching tool about mental health, BPD and healthy boundaries. My husband wants to cut all ties, but maybe there are some compromises to be found.

Did you mother give you any grief for always supervising visits and not allowing your children to go spend a weekend at her house?

[Couscous]

Welcome to the board! 

I am currently navigating this exact issue. Like you, I do not wish to hurt my mother but I also am determined to break the cycle of dysfunction and am willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish that. I also feel the need to protect my children from being recruited as her allies and emotional caretakers, which she has already started to do.

This video gave me some real food for thought on this very topic: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xLuAPoCyFhs

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Couscous, this video hit home on a lot of points. I have lots to meditate on. 

I am currently taking a break from my mother. I have her under "Spam" in messenger, the objective was that I would only look on my own time if she wrote, but it's funny how I always end up checking even though I don't really want to... Out of habit, or fear maybe.

She is in the covert, manipulative category and a cut off truly feels hard. I often wonder if I was imagining things. Then I read what I wrote the night before I left, how I felt like I was in hell, emotionally shaking, surely I didn't imagine that. I didn't eat for almost 24 hours despite breastfeeding an infant. My throat was tight, I couldn't stand straight, couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye. When she started being nice again, I questionned if maybe I really am the bad person, maybe I really am too harsh on her, maybe it truly was my fault. And then my husband brings me back out of the water and I can breathe again... until the next wave.

I felt so good living away from home for 5 years,  I became me. and I feel stressed out about going back home, living somewhat close to her again... For a while, after my daughter was born, I kept dreaming of a black Wolf which wanted to eat me whole when I fell asleep thinking about my own mother. Living away, I got to control when I was seeing her or not and she could not be angry,, I had the perfect excuse... All this to say, I never considered a full cut off... But maybe it really is what I need to be the mother I want to fully be, to give my children a new family legacy of emotional responsibility, self awareness and true unconditional love.

Anyway, she won't let me be who I am when she is there, what good is it to be there if I can't be me? What am I bringing? Nothing but pain to myself, really...

Thank you again, I have a lot to think on. If you ever want to share and discuss more what's happening with you, I'd be happy to read you.

[Notwendy]

Did you mother give you any grief for always supervising visits and not allowing your children to go spend a weekend at her house?

My mother wanted what she saw her friends and family have- a close relationship with her grandchildren. The issue wasn't about hands on care. My mother isn't "maternal"- and she likes to be the Queen. Tasks like changing diapers, feeding toddlers, cleaning up messes are not things she wants to do. She'd rather have someone else there do them, so her visits were more that she was present, but I would do these things.

My mother has a need for others to "do things for her". These are things she can do herself, but she began to enlist my kids to do things for her as they got older. They are good kids who would be glad to help- but I could see this was manipulative and meeting her emotional needs. This is not their job as kids to do that. She also tends to triangulate- pull someone to her side and tell them something about me, then tell them not to tell anyone, confide too much information, and ask personal questions. She's triangulated other family members against me. She wanted one on one time with my kids to meet that need. That's when I put up boundaries. Some were "soft" boundaries. She'd try to coerce one child to go off with her, so I would go too. The kids knew to not be alone with her- they also felt uncomfortable if they did that as they by that time felt manipulated. I know she'd not do something overtly harmful to them, but she'd strategically enlist them to meet her emotional needs.

She did not like this. Told people I was "keeping her from her grandkids". It probably seemed odd as by then, her friends and family were doing fun things with their grandkids but visits to my mother were about her and her needs. Any boundary to her was conflict. If she was angry at me, my father would be too. The cost of having boundaries with her was that it impacted my relationship with my father. But I would not allow her to enlist my children as her emotional caretakers.

[Notwendy]

Due to the dynamics around the time of my father's passing a while ago, I chose to be in low contact with her. She's verbally abusive to me but she wants to have contact with the kids. I have left that up to them now as they are old enough to choose how much contact they want to have but basically they have also been low contact. It's interesting to see how much more resilient they are to her drama than I have been- as they weren't raised with it. While I was raised to fear her moods, ( as we all walked on eggshells around her and were expected to do what she asked) my kids don't have that fear. They see her behavior as strange and so don't want to get too involved.

I have learned over time that unless I serve my mother's needs, she doesn't want much to do with me. But she wants the role of "grandmother". She wants to talk about this with her friends and family and have the image of grandmother. She didn't ever want the actual work of being a grandmother- which involves changing diapers, cleaning up messes, driving kids to and from day care/school, or taking them on outings. She mainly wants their attention.

My kids are grown now but are home for the holiday. We visit her from time to time but she lives a distance from us and so we don't include her in family get togethers as we don't want the drama. We planned to call her today. She called last night. I've realized over time that unless I am useful to her, she doesn't want much to do with me, but she wants contact with the kids. I told her we have plans to call today- the kids were busy when she called. She seemed to accept that, and we will call her. I tend to answer the phone when she calls as I want to be sure she's ok, but I didn't interrupt the kids for her needs. I set a time with her to for us to call.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I see... I'm sorry for your loss. I understand what you mean by them being more resilient to the drama, it makes sense. They were not deprived of love, and I am guessing you accepted them for who they are and not for what they could provide you, so it makes sense that they would see it as strange.

My mother is the complete opposite. While I don't like categorizing, I would see her a mix of queen/waif. She needs to be in the spotlight, and she is very competitive when it comes to her grandchildren love. She simply needs to be the one they love the most.  If my in-laws do something, she just have to do more. And my father well... She REALLY hates that my daughter loved his house (he has a hammock and a trampoline, of course she loved it there!).

My mother wants to be alone with them. When we visit, she basically wants my husband and I out of the house so she can play with them, or it's like I basically.. lose my role. She wants to become their mother. I kid you not, when I went to her house, she called herself their mother once while speaking to my daughter, my jaw dropped. The next day, she called me their grandmother. She said it was an accident, but it does say something about her mind state. She also keeps calling my son HER baby, but not in a lovely "you are all my babies" way, in a competitive, possessive way. She was pissed because he kept asking for me while in her arms... She basically threw him to me and went after my daughter instead... 

She does things for them she never ever did for us. This morning, she sent a video of her and my stepfather disguised as snowmen, dancing to a winter song, as a Mery Christmas for my kids... I mean... We didn't even have a Christmas tree when I was young. In the video, I could see, in her face, that she isn't well right now. She is overcompensating for the fact that I left before christmas because of the unhealthy dynamics while living there.

When I had my children, I started taking pictures, framing them and hanging them on the walls. I filled their baby books full of memories and have their baby feet in a plaster canvas. Growing up, my mother NEVER put anything of us on her walls, ever. The first photos she put on where my stepfather's nephews... It's like we didn't exist. Now she puts pictures everywhere  of her grandchildren. She started doing it after she saw me do it.

She would not hurt them, she is, however, hurting me any chance she gets, but in a very subtle way. Basically by providing them with everything she never provided me with, all the while making me feel like an outsider to my own children..  the worst is: I don't think she even recognize her own behaviors. To this day, she still thinks she was a good mother. She forgot all the abuse and even created herself false memories of her defending my brother when he got beaten, when in truth, she did absolutely nothing and even defended the guy who beat him up.

 And she is grooming them... My daughter had to "miss her". She will take her in her arms and say things like : I missed you so much, I love you so much (while crying) and asking her if my daughter missed her... And when my daughter answered No, I missed your dog. She says what ? Come on, I missed you, you must have missed me (but with an adult emotional weight). I always intervene when it gets out of hands... Usually, she stops because she knows it really is a hard no and I will get them out of her house if she continues on...

But you see the picture... I see quite clearly, writing this, that I will have many crisis to deal with, even on low contact.

Writing it down has a way to make the truth comes to light... I think my husband is right, she might be ill, but the end result is the same: she is toxic and will just hurt our family.

[Turkish]

She would not hurt them, she is, however, hurting me any chance she gets, but in a very subtle way. Basically by providing them with everything she never provided me with, all the while making me feel like an outsider to my own children..  the worst is: I don't think she even recognize her own behaviors. To this day, she still thinks she was a good mother. She forgot all the abuse and even created herself false memories of her defending my brother when he got beaten, when in truth, she did absolutely nothing and even defended the guy who beat him up.

If she's hurting you, then she's hurting them. You've already pointed out unhealthy emotional dynamics towards them as well.

I'm not an advocate of complete emotional cut off, yet boundaries are certainly in order. On one hand, one might think that she's trying to be a better grandmother than she was as a mother. On the other hand, she's just repeating the same behaviors that reside in her limited emotional toolbox because that's all that she knows. It isn't necessarily evil, but that's all that she knows. You know better.

Those of us with kids definitely do relate to the guilt of enacting boundaries with grandparents.

[Notwendy]

My mother tries to do similar things- groom the children to "her side"- but in different ways. She's also copied me in some ways as well. She also tends to Queen and Waif- Waif in that she needs people to do things for her. Queen in that they are menial things that she doesn't do, like cleaning or changing diapers. She's not trying to be their mother, but elevate the role of grandmother. My role as mother is still to meet her needs.

Once she told me she "felt sorry for me" for having to do so much of the job of mothering- cook, carpool, help with homework, tidy the house. She had help with this. She won't do these things. As a result though, her own kids aren't emotionally bonded with her. I think she feels some shame at not being motherly but it's not her inclination to do that. I didn't worry she'd want to assume child care but as the kids got older it was manipulation and grooming.

She really wants the role of grandmother and I understand that all grandmothers want contact with grandchildren and so have tried to make this safely possible. But I can't allow her to harm my kids, and that's the boundary. I also learned to not tolerate how she treats me. This needed to be done, but this also caused a rift in the family and with my father.

[Riv3rW0lf]

On one hand, one might think that she's trying to be a better grandmother than she was as a mother. On the other hand, she's just repeating the same behaviors that reside in her limited emotional toolbox because that's all that she knows. It isn't necessarily evil, but that's all that she knows. You know better.

I wish I could just shut down the discomfort it creates when I see her play with them. I think you are right in saying she is trying to be a better grandmother than she was a mother. And maybe she also is trying to be a better mother but like you said she has a limited emotional toolbox, while I carry unhealed scars that open up everytime she is there. It's not a good mix. I am in a place right now where I keep occillating between seeing her as evil and cruel, and then as a deeply hurt being that can't help herself.

I do need to set boundaries. Yesterday I sent her pictures of my children opening their presents and texted her merry Christmas. She wrote something a bit later: Call me with "the" children when you have two minutes. Thanks.
Basically implying that I had do do it... I think she wanted to talk with them, make sure I had shown them her video (which I also didn't). I never called. Now I am waiting for the backslash and already working on distanciating myself from it. I wanted to call to buy peace, but I really didn't feel like it and I realized, Christmas or not, that I just wasn't ready, I still need time to heal from our last reunion.

All this to say, I wish I could allow her to be the great grandmother she wants to be, but I can see it clearly comes at a price I am just unable to pay. She just takes too much space. I don't know that I would have the strength of a clean cut off, but I am so not interested in dealing with the constant crisis. I will need a good therapist. Once I get to our new house, I will search for one. The cuts are deeper than I thought they were. I would like to forgive her, show compassion, and sometimes I am able to, but most times I act out of fear and to ease her. And really, I am filled with anger right now.

I am thankful for this forum though. It helps a lot to discuss with other adults that went through different, yet similar kinds of abuse.

[Riv3rW0lf]

She really wants the role of grandmother and I understand that all grandmothers want contact with grandchildren and so have tried to make this safely possible. But I can't allow her to harm my kids, and that's the boundary. I also learned to not tolerate how she treats me. This needed to be done, but this also caused a rift in the family and with my father.

It sounds like you were able to find in yourself a great deal of strength to protect yourself and your children. And still today, being able to be there in her old days, it takes a lot of compassion and courage. From my own experience, I can imagine it must not have been an easy task. I am sorry it created a rift with your father, I feel from your writing (maybe I am wrong though), that this was particularly hard for you.  Thank you for sharing your strength with me, and showing me that it is possible. Since your children are all grown and healthy now, it tells me that it is possible to break the cycle.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, Riv3rW0lf,

Some good disscussion and lots of great thoughts being shared.  I'm really glad you're here.

I see you have a parent with BPD as well, were you ever able to have a "good" relationship with them without falling back into old patterns? What kind of boundaries did you set?

Thank you for asking. My mom was an uBPD, and I only learned about BPD just 1 1/2 years before she passed away. I lived about 1200 miles away from her for about 25 years, and while I didn't even know what boundaries were until after she died, somehow I kept one by maintaining that physical distance between us. It was instinctual for me, knowing that it I moved close to her I would not survive. My siblings however, lived within a few minutes to a few hours from her. They were much more attached and paid the price but also reaped the strings attached benefits that I did not. In the end I was thankful to not have to pay for having accepted things or money from her. It allowed me some meager form of emotional protection.

The relationship I had with her was only good if I played the game right. If I didn't call often enough, I would pay the price by hearing the disapproval in her voice, resulting in my old behavior of distracting her with fun stories to make her laugh to take the heat off of me for being 'bad.' Believe me, I would pay for anything that might set her off, and who knows what that might be. Anytime I had a good phone conversation with her, it was truly a blessing.

I have been working on my journey to healing for a number of years now. The things you're becoming aware of are or can be rather shocking, so be sure and be kind to yourself. It's a whole new world to investigate. Take your time and keep sharing with us.

 
Wools

[Couscous]

Riv3rW0lf, a real turning point for me was an incident almost two years ago that resulted in the realization that my mother didn’t really love my children, and that this meant she didn’t really love me either. For the very first time the idea that she had betrayed me entered into my conscious awareness.

It was around this time that I had a bizarre experience in which I suddenly had this feeling that she wasn’t my real mother but rather, an imposter, and that my real mother was somewhere out there.

Fortunately because of Covid I have had the perfect excuse to suspend our annual visits, and I have been low contact since then. This has given me time to some work on some of this stuff and reduce my reactivity towards her. A couple of weeks ago she sent me an email that would normally have been highly triggering for me, but this time it wasn’t. I could clearly see how everything she wrote was pure projection. I didn’t absorb any of her anxiety or get angry, and I had no emotional hangover, which was a first for me.

I still have no idea what the future holds with respect to future visits but I do know that not seeing her in person and having very limited contact with her over the past two years has really helped with my recovery.

[Notwendy]

When my father passed away, I saw the the extent of my mother's dysfunction and the family dysfunction. You are correct in that it was difficult for me. It also was a shock to see the extent of my mother's "power" - a power she has through her ability to manipulate people, in combination with my father's enabling her behavior. Even if it caused him great distress- he did what she wanted.

My mother was angry at me at the time, and yet, I didn't imagine she'd be as deliberately hurtful as she was- and now I know what she's capable of. I still keep contact with her, because I don't feel comfortable with NC. I am not trying to appear like a "good person" by doing so. She's told so many lies about me to people in her circle, I have no idea what they think of me. It's that my own values - I wouldn't feel comfortable cutting contact completely with an elderly parent who is on their own so I do check in from time to time.

Our relationship though is superficial and since there's less drama, I think it probably always has been on her part. However, I don't think it's because of me and that if only I was good enough, or did enough, I could get approval from my parents. Since BPD mom blamed me for her behavior when I was younger, and I was expected to comply with her, I thought it was possible growing up. But now I know it was not about me at all. I am "good enough" to be loved, whether she sees it or not. We all are "good enough" to be loved and our dysfunctional family members aren't the measure of our self worth.

Covid has been hugely disruptive for everyone however, as Couscous said, it's also been an excuse to keep some distance.   We did plan a visit last summer after the vaccine became available and we could visit with extended family outside on the back porch. I planned a nice get together. BPD mother was her usual self, verbally mean, and -controlling. I had hoped perhaps she'd be a little more agreeable after not seeing us for a while, but I think, sadly for her, she doesn't seem to be capable of perceiving nice things we do for her, and was disappointed in the visit. Still, I know we made the attempt.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Just wanted to thank you all again for your helpful insights and for sharing your stories with me.

I will now take a small pause from everything to internalize what I have realized through our discussions.