Shelter in place advice please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone

Again it has been some time since I have posted, sorry. Thank you to all who have responded to my previous posts, your kind and informative words have helped a lot!

I am looking for advice / guidance on coping with a UpwBPD spouse, who is getting worse, while I continue to stay in the home. There are various circumstances keeping me here, mostly due to children and finances, but I am (finally) thinking of eventual alternatives that could be as much as few years down the road.

When I say the UpwBPD is getting worse it is not (usually) big arguments or raging, it is more the "daily digs", resentment, criticism, scolding, and outright rudeness. Any, and I do mean any, challenging of that behavior brings on a totally out of proportion negative response. How have you coped with similar? My counselor has helped me deal with the big outbursts and confrontations with techniques like JADE; it is the chipping away at my emotional well being that is becoming very draining (I'll be speaking with my counselor about this too).

I find it hard to be any more specific. In fact, trying to describe living with a person with BPD is **always** difficult to describe.

Thanks

[Navigator2]

Hi everyone

Again it has been some time since I have posted, sorry. Thank you to all who have responded to my previous posts, your kind and informative words have helped a lot!

I am looking for advice / guidance on coping with a UpwBPD spouse, who is getting worse, while I continue to stay in the home. There are various circumstances keeping me here, mostly due to children and finances, but I am (finally) thinking of eventual alternatives that could be as much as few years down the road.

When I say the UpwBPD is getting worse it is not (usually) big arguments or raging, it is more the "daily digs", resentment, criticism, scolding, and outright rudeness. Any, and I do mean any, challenging of that behavior brings on a totally out of proportion negative response. How have you coped with similar? My counselor has helped me deal with the big outbursts and confrontations with techniques like JADE; it is the chipping away at my emotional well being that is becoming very draining (I'll be speaking with my counselor about this too).

I find it hard to be any more specific. In fact, trying to describe living with a person with BPD is **always** difficult to describe.

Thanks

[BigOof]

1) Are you getting exercise (alone)?
2) Are you taking the time to proactively validate pwBPD's emotions?
3) Are you keeping a diary to understand your emotions?
4) Are you eating well?
5) Are you noting triggers and avoiding them?
6) Do you have an exit plan?

[formflier]

Any, and I do mean any, challenging of that behavior brings on a totally out of proportion negative response. How have you coped with similar? 

Oh yes...FFw does NOT like being "challenged" about anything.

Much better for me (and maybe you can try) "Oh babe...what do you mean by that?"  (see..no suggestion of good or bad..just letting her have another crack at it.)

Also..let's say she has some kind of outsize reaction...I would likely talk about what I'm going to do.

"Hey babe...I'm going to go for a walk and clear my head.  Let's talk more when I get back."

For your own sanity...I do suggest that you keep trying to address issues with her...and let her (fill in the blank).  Over time..as she realizes that BPDish reactions don't work...it most likely will get somewhat better.

Best,

FF

[sterlingblue]

Hi Navigator,

It sounds like our situations are similar.  After years of D threats from my ubpd stbxw, I moved out and filed for D a few months ago.  If you read my other posts, you'll see it hasn't been easy.  Perhaps my story can be helpful.

The biggest benefit of me moving out has been the improvement in my mental health from having peace that comes with space and setting boundaries that I was unable to set in the marriage (partly my fault).  My physical health also has improved as I have been exercising, which I never did before (in part due to fear of being criticized as selfish).

I have experienced two big negatives: 1) My time with the kids (S11 and S8) has decreased, and my relationship with them has suffered.  While S8 is taking things very well, I only see him for about 12 hrs/wk.  S11 has sided with his mom and refuses to visit me or speak to me at all.  I am trying to get 50/50 time through the courts, but it is going slowly and meanwhile S11's alienation continues.  My stbxw refuses to support my relationship with him and blames me.  I honestly did not see that coming from her or my son, as I did a lot of the parenting (when not working) when we were together.

2) Financially, supporting two households plus attorney fees is obviously difficult.  We had some marital savings so have avoided debt thus far, but that will soon change.  I foresee lawyers making a lot of money (possibly 6 figures) off of our case, as my W refuses to agree to anything I suggest.  It took about 20 emails and multiple lawyers for me to get 8 hours of time with my kids on Christmas.  (It was the only time I have seen S11 in 3 months, so it was worth it.)

Overall, despite the negatives, I am so much happier and glad I moved out.  I like the phrase you used, "chipping away at my emotional well-being".  I experienced that chipping away for many years.  That has reversed since I moved out, but there are definitely drawbacks.  I agree with BigOof to make an escape plan.  You want to be prepared, because you never know when things with pwBPD will escalate.

[redpoppy]

"challenging of that behavior brings on a totally out of proportion negative response"
Yes! Definitely, same here.
Now that I understand the situation and spouse's motives, I should be able to stay calm and detached, and not be reactive, but I have so much resentment bottled up that I can't. I also am more aware of my boundaries and try to enforce them, which enrages him that he is losing grip of his power over me, which isn't my fault.
I am also staying at home for a few months for purposeful reasons, and it's getting so difficult. For my own well being I should be strategic and try to stay disengaged.
Also, wanted to say, have you seen a physician? This could well bring on depressive symptoms.
Hugs and take care.

[Couscous]

Learning about Non-Violent Communication was probably a life-saver for me. It helped me massively with regard to becoming “immune” to the digs and insults and to stop taking things personally. The videos of the seminars on YouTube are a great starting place.

Learning about Karpman drama triangle was also really helpful.

[HeWho]

When I say the UpwBPD is getting worse it is not (usually) big arguments or raging, it is more the "daily digs", resentment, criticism, scolding, and outright rudeness. Any, and I do mean any, challenging of that behavior brings on a totally out of proportion negative response. How have you coped with similar? My counselor has helped me deal with the big outbursts and confrontations with techniques like JADE; it is the chipping away at my emotional well being that is becoming very draining (I'll be speaking with my counselor about this too).

I find it hard to be any more specific. In fact, trying to describe living with a person with BPD is **always** difficult to describe.

Thanks

Read up on validation and BPD. I found that with validating and truly understanding their reality keeps things peaceful. Usually the rudeness and rage stops if you can validate their reality or emotions.

Disclaimer though... be careful about how you validate,  it can't always be an apology or you folding to preserve the peace. This will lead to them using this as a weapon or evidence later.

Effective/active communication and "I" statements also helped out tremendously. With always making your partner feel heard by giving positive feedback they appreciate you more. Also I statements allow you to convey your feelings without placing blame on someone.

[formflier]

   it can't always be an apology or you folding to preserve the peace. This will lead to them using this as a weapon or evidence later.

 

So true...very important advice.

If you can take your validation to the form of questions..that seems to be the least likely way of having it come back in the future.

Move towards validating questions!


Best,

FF