Its Been a long while But I am Back and want to give some Hope to someone

[Serenitywithin]

Hey Guys been almost a year since I have been one the site. First and Formost This site got me through the decision that something had to change and gave me a ton of info to equip myself form an exit form a Relationship with someone who would not get Help. Helped me over come the fear of the unknown. I can tell anyone about to read my story, that there is hope, there is a better way.

Hi, I am a 40 Year old Man in a full on divorce process form a 42 r old wife with BPD, I have 4 kids with this woman. I for years walked on eggshells did all of the house work and mostly took care of the kids and shielded them form some raging. I for years thought I was going crazy with all the gaslighting and downright lying. But she always ensured her outer image was perfect, everyone thought our relationship was perfect that she was a great Wife and Mom. 4 years ago after the birth our 4th child I realized that when when I was not home she was mentally/emotionally abusing the kids as well as myself. I had been making excuses for her behavior and helping her keep her external facade alive for years.
I always though that the lying and manipulations were with me only and that they were not effecting the kids. It was only after my parents and grandparents came to me with some disturbing facts and stories about what the two older girls had been telling them happened when  I was nto home that I became aware how bad it was for them as well. I came home form a hunting trip where while I was gone my Wife had raged at teh girls about the house being a mess and about how  some of the Mini Blinds were tore up(they had been broken for over a year at this point) and she waled into my then 8 year old daughters room with a 10 inch pair of Sewing siccors and started yelling if you dont want to take care of stuff and you want to tear up the blinds , I will show you how to tear up the blinds and started cutting them  with the scissors. My 11 yr old and 8 yrold were telling my Mom about it. and apparently had been telling her and my grandparents that they were scared of mommy and how she lied about stuff all the time saying they did something when they did not and that she was the one who had done it.
After this story I started watching alot closer and not going on hunting trips and checking the camaras we had at the house a little more often to see what was going on. I knew she had issues and would fight with me and rage at me but did not realize how bad it was when i was gone for the kids.
We would fight alot because she would accuse me of thigns that never happened or jsut start arguments over something as stupid as how the towels were folded even though she had not touched laundry in 3 months. She would do one load of Laundry after 4 months and then act like she did all the housework even though I did nost of the cleaning, all of the cooking in addition to being the breadwinner in the home. During a ton of these fights she would turn thigns on me that she had done or started and would end in I am calling a laywer we are done. Then I would beg her to reconsider an d change her mind, and tell her I would change , even though in retrospect most of the time I was asking myself why i was begging her to stay.
I confronted her in oct of 2017 after thigns had gotten really bad and she had accused my mom of things and of yelling at her about stuff, when I got the full story form others who witnessed the interaction in question it was clear Wife came into the room asking my mom for advise crying, and the nwhen mom offered her some she took the advise as critisim and came home and told me mom attacked her. Made things rocky with me and my mom for a while. She did not even want the kids to go over there anymore when they were used ot be ing there 2-3 times a week.
Whe \n I confronted her I had been doing some research and told her about the girls being scared of her and that I thought we should see someone and look into bipolar disorder. As expected this calm nurturing interaction was taken as an attack and She kicked me out I took the kids and went to my moms. Told my mom about all the stuff that had happened over the years .. She called an hour later wanting me to come back. I left the kids and did we talked a bit then she went from I hate you and we will never be together again to wanting to have sex with me the next minute. She promised ot get checked out and we even went on a camping trip that weekend which looking back on seems crazy. She did not get help and for the next 5 months after that everytime we fought she would say you think i am cray blah blah and yell and cuss at me in front of the kids.
I finally gave an ultimatum that I was leaving with the kids the next day if she did not get some help. She would not go to counselor but to out pastors. We had a bout a two hour conversation with them which she was up and down  the whole time and even admitted she did nto know how to love her 12 yr old daughter anymore.
After that conversation she said i think it went well and said let continue this. But the next mornign she stewed on everythign and said she was never going back and why would she, the pastors are basically on my side because they have known me longer. Complete 180 had no idea where it came from . I kept seeing my pastor after that and he encouraged me but said she needed some help.

Fast forward a few months we went to a christian counselor and went together a few times each time she thought i was attacking her therapist saw us separately a few times after that. Therapist was the one that clued me into borderline and Narc traits. But she would get so mad during our visits that she would be standing up screaming s ohard her head was red and she was spitting with her words. The therapist told me it was severe and i was kidding myself if i thought it was a mild problem.
Same therapist saw the kids but they would only talk to her after she promised that she would not share anything they said with mom. They gave her a ton which made me sad becasue  I was seeing how bad the issues were.

After I foudn this site and did a ton of research I told the therapist the Walkgin on eggshells book was my life? During a session I brought htis up with Wife in session and the therapist gently explained what BPD was and what its symptoms were to which wife was oblivious she had any of these traits. On the way home she screamed at me in the car the whole time and never went back to that therapist, i did go back and talked a bunch about the made up things she had accused family of and that now I did not know for sure who i was even married too? Was anythign she ever told me about her past real? Turns out more and more of the stories she told me abotu family and past issues unraveled.

A fight almost a year later prompted me telling her I was done again and that thie kids were scared and that even some mutual friends of our who she likes made a comment about not being sure if she even like the two older girls the way she talks to them sometimes but that our youngest son always got a pass for the same thing. He was her golden child. and was ever her target.
This time I told a PHD not a therapist was needed or I was leaving she found one and made the appointment. She went 4 times and said she liked him and thought he could help her. The nhe asked me to come to a session with her. She came unglued about things when I started talking and started screaming  Iwas attacign her. Her Psych said Amy he is not attackign you, he said I see a man who loves you so much he is tryign to help you. Then she started tellign him I was abusive and making stuff up till I lost control and yelled it wasnt true. Heexcused me and said he had heard enough. She only went to him about 3 more times after that and then made up excuses for month. However she did start reading PBD books and research and even anxiety and depression books and said he heped her a ton but that he was retiring so she could not see him anymore. (He is still practicing today)
We went along like this for almost a year. I started backing her up on thing and tryign to show my support for her after thigns i read here. But soon after I realized I was jsut excusing behavior and back to walkign on eggshells.
The girls now were 14almost 15 and 11 goign on 12. They started getting mad at me for takign her side on things and started getting very depressed i think. She had kept a lid on fighting and even went overboard snot wanting to parent at all and would say you deal with it I am afraid everyone will think I am yelling or being mean if i do it. Se slowly tried to make me the bady guy.
Luckily the older girls saw tight through this I finally told her I was taking the girls to see a Kids therapist because between what I saw and My mom was telling me the girls were needing some help. I took them to a therapist and I was so so scared to let Wife know i was .. Should have been a red flag but i was still in hunker down mode myself.
They started seeing therapist and Wife would jsut say how was your talk and roll her eyes when we got back. Therapist talked to me a bunc hand let me know the  girls were needing more help. I finally gave wife ultimatum and tried making it work another 6 months. The last year I was with her the girls would ask Dad if mom doesnt go get help when are we leaving.
Finally i got papers drawn up in later 2020 and was waiting till the right time to serve her, and meanwhile kept asking her to get help sure God would anwer my prayers if i tried hard enough i could change her. I filed Jan of 2021 and had a special server, server he the papers as I made an exit and planned to be gone with the kids that day. She thoughts something was up and followed me tomy parents house so i had to call her and have her served there on the porch while the kids were inside she was so surprised and the nbroke down and went to love bombing then raging, and then finally left. I felt so bad the empath in me I know.
I was giving her some time to cool so I could call or go talk to her about it but she showed up wit hher best friend and the cops to my moms house. I explained the situation and they said they could not intervene or make me let the kids go with her but that she is asking to talk to them and they would stay there while it happened. The cps said they could not make me let her talk to them but that she wanted to ... I had jsut told the m what was goign on and son who was golden boy was crushed , he knew mom yelled alot but it was nto at him so he was not the target. finally I agreed and my 15 yr old walked outside to talk to the cops and told her mom this is BS I am not goign with you this is all your fault and walked back inside. The next daughter came out and and would not look at or speak to her mom, the cop asked her if she wanted to go wit hher mom and she told him never... I told them I had jsut gotten son calmed down a few minutes ago about telling him about the divorce and did not want to upset him again but she was instant and i was afraid he would tell the cops he wanted to go wit hher. I went in the back of the house and told him mom had called the police and they were on the porch and that he did not do anything wrong but that mom and the cops wanted to talk to him for am minute he came outside and gave mom a hug and cried. The nshe said hey beddy you want to come home with me and the cop said or you can stay here with your dad as well. Kevin looked at his mom and said I will jsut stay right here with dad for now.
He walked in and she was crushed. She then want to see our then 3 yr old daughters who did not understand anything. ad she tried to talk her into goign back home with her and she told her mom I want to stay at mamas and play...

The fact she put her kids through that was crazy.. She apologized toe the cops for wasting their time and her friend was giving me the riot act to which I told her I like you alot and care for you and your kids, but you have no idea who she is when no one is around. She would not have any of it...

It was feb of 2021 and snow came. I let Wife some to my parents house each day and hang out with the kids during snow break frm school and even had her over to sled and have hot cocoa with them. the girls did not participate but son and youngest daughter did. I had to keep a recorder on me the whole time.

On day 4 I had a conversation with her about the house, cohabitation and why I was not comfortable because I was afraid she would make something up about me or say i did something. I offered to give her money, told her she could stay at the house for now and i would make sure she saw the kids everyday, She told me she obtained Counsel and I told her that was good and that maybe we could now with the lawyers work through some of these things and get some stuff setup officially... I was being super nice and above board.

Next mornign I get a call form my lawyer, Based on that conversation Which i recorded. She wanted to know what I did because her lawyer filed a restraining order saying that when I talked to wife, she had said when she told me she had counsel I screamed at her and called her names, Said I threatened to kick her out of the house, That I threatened to not let her see the kids, that i threatened to pull the kids out of school and have my mom homeschool them, Threatened to take all of the money and her car away. Basically 8 accusations based on that call form the night before and that I had to be in court that afternoon for a restraining order hearing. She told her lawyer I was manipulative and a narcassist, and that i was takign her kids from her. All of this ws sworn to in her affadavid for the Restraining order.
I was shocked, and damn near had a heart attack.. Calmed down told the lawyer what happened and played her the recording.. She was like are you serious? She made me send her a copy which she sent to the other attorney. While this was goign on her laywer filed for A GAL for the kids and so had mine. Her lawyer never listened t the recording so he did not withdreaw the RO... The Judge thought all of this was a bit suspicious and ordered a GAL himself and picked a former judge form our count without consulting either side as he did not want their input..
I then got a call form the GAL asking to come talk to the kids, I sent him the recording as well but he did nto have time to listen before court time. he came ot house talked ot me for about 10 minutes and the girls about 15 minutes total. I also gave him the number of their therapist who he called on way to court but did not get ahold of..
Lawyers and GAL met in back room where my lawyer played them the recorded call that the whole RO was filed on. About five minutes later the GAL met with Judge and the ncame out and said mrs Wife. We are gonna get you some time with the kids where you are having togo see them at his parents house. My heart Sank. Then he said you will currently not be given any overnights, and you will have supervised visits. He said so lets talk schedule and started giving her 3 hours on two weeknights and one weekend day each week. I was so relieved but then asked if this was for all kids or jsut younger ones. he said all which i knew the older girls would be upset with. Then he had me approve supervisors. She picked one her twin who has worse issues than her and i said no he asked why and i explained so she picked her best friend i agreed, and the ni offered up do you want more than one incase she is not available during your time and found 4 more ... The GAL made a comment to my lawyer that things were going well and that was being more than reasonable.
I ran out of room will continue in a reply

[Serenitywithin]

That was last February and we are still on that schedule she gets supervised visits  only. About 3 weeks in after telling the GAL the older girls were not wanting to go he had finally gotten ahold of their therapist and she agreed the girls should not be going and that hse though my 12 yr old might have PTSD whic h I took her to her doctor and she was diagnosed along with given anxiety meds for her nervous ticks  she had developed the previous 6 months or so.
The divorce has been terrible me and the kids ended up living with my parents the last 10 months until i got a new house last month. She would not move out of the house claming she had no where to go. when she had a ton of family she could stay with the GAL recommended she go stay with someone and that the girls not be made to go see her until they were ready and they have not been to visitations since. Every court date since the RO save one which was to enforce the GAL recommendation to have me and the kids get the house back has been continued and the one for that her lawyer had the motion thrown out for missing a signature .. The GAL did not care nor di the Judge and my lawyer said he is in the next room lets have him sign it and her lawyer said no it has to go through official filing tih a signature before we will acknowledge it.. THen her lawyer said she is not moving out until he give her some money... The GAL made a comment that it seems one side does not have childrens best interest in mind and the judge agreed.. My lawyer told me these thigns as they were in chambers for all of this. I dont think she even knows her lawyer made her look like that but whatever.
So since she refused ot move out and we have not been to court as of yet. It is now 1 year later. and I am still payign the mortgage which is in my name. Her car payment. her car insurance the water/gas/ and elec bills at old house plus her charter internet, cell phone and even her apple watch service bills. I now have a new place i am paying rent and rehabbing myself but it is all worth it ..

I know some of that looks bleek... But I can tell you it is all worth it...My girls have done therapy and are getting better. oldest ones self esteem is shot but i am working on her. I feel like my happy go lucky self again for the first time in a really long time.

The longer I have been out of the relationship the mor  I can not believe i put up with all of the crazy making for so long. I genuinely cant wait for the process to be over and e able to sell the old house so that I can recoup some money and finally detach from her in a btter way.  I will always have to deal with her for the kids sake , but I am not goign to have to make excuses anymore or cover up the stuff that has gone on.

I am on my way to the otherside through this and I wanted to share my story a bit I skipped over a ton of things that are soo bad that they have my now 13yr old daughter referring to my wife as her first name and not mom which breaks my heart by the way. But she is healing.

I hope this helps someone or let them know they are not alone , or to know that at somepoint if your kids are effected or your mental health is at stake it is OK to let them go. It is OK to be happy again. It is OK to not take care of them anymore. They will not change until they want to. you cannot do it for them!    I was told by therapists and pastors that she would not change until she lost everythign. Well she has and even now she is still pulling someof the same crap that i have to deal with, but I am not living in it any longer which makes it way more tolerable.

[Serenitywithin]

I also jsut want to say I am where I am because I got my kids some help which gave GAL someone to talk to outside of friends and family to get perspective.. I also took the time to document everything for almost 3 yrs.. I have 400 pages of typed journal notes of daily weirdness that occurred and that all goes a long way to help prove things.

I may still be a ways out form finishing the process but life is better. Kids are better. Hope you get your Better

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you and it does give hope!

[ForeverDad]

Good for you and the kids, despite it still dragging out.  My own divorce process took about 2 years.  And that was before the plandemic.

It's a bit unusual for a member to report that she was limited to brief supervised visits and for so long.  But good for you and the kids.

Understand that the long term perspective is that the professional will try to determine what level of long term contact she can have with the kids.  Court will follow that lead and update the order.  But here's the problem.  BPD is a disorder of extreme ups and downs.  If she is doing "less bad" and an order reflects that, then what happens when she goes downhill?  Typically the answer is you go back to court to fix that.  However, that can take months to get another hearing and whatever other obstructions.

So my suggestion is that if the court is willing to grant her more time in the future that you press for some trusted professional to have the authority to ramp back the contact to what is less unsafe for the kids, and not have to wait months for the court to have a hearing.

As for the house, is it jointly owned?  If she won't move out, you may have to file in court for an order for it to be sold as part of the divorce (where she could get half the equity) and that 'consequences' be specified for any obstructions.

Whatever else, you cannot Gift her a quitclaim deed until she gets her own mortgage financing in place.  You can't risk her owning the house and you liable for the mortgage.  I my case, all that was prepared in advance and then done together at the same signing session.

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Serenitywithin. Really helpful to see for those of us who are earlier in the process.